Audio Johnapedia 44--Top NHL Players to Build Around

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SWQ-mpsBHQ&feature=youtu.be

Who You Should Root For in Today's Stupid Bowl

NOTE: For those of you who will not be watching Super Bowl XLIX, I just want to tell you how impressed I am. You are truly a hero and deserve to be congratulated endlessly for not watching this event, which will be unwatched by hundreds of millions of Americans and billions of non-Americans. You are, to quote former Seattle athlete Kevin Durant, “the real MVP.”

Super Bowl XLIX is stupid and I hate it and I want it to end already. But it’s the only Super Bowl we have, damn it, and as with pretty much every game ever, there is a correct team to root for. I can’t tell anybody which team that is (well, I probably will) but I can help you sort out which team to root for tonight. There are subtle differences between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots and if one team’s victory will be less destructive to society, that team deserves your allegiance, if only for one night. So I will break down every component of the big game and which team is less awful in it.

Quarterback

The New England Patriots have Tom Brady, widely considered to be one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. If the Patriots win tonight, Brady will have his fourth Super Bowl win as a quarterback, tying him with professional country music vocalist Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana, namesake for a video game in which I never learned how to pass and thus Jim Everett led my playoff team in rushing in a season. He has cultivated a famously clean-cut image, even after leaving his pregnant actress girlfriend so that he could start dating a supermodel that a strangely larger number of people consider unattractive (yeah, okay).

The Seattle Seahawks have Russell Wilson, who has a chance to win his second Super Bowl tonight, which is a tremendous benchmark in that every eligible quarterback to have won multiple Super Bowls is currently in the Pro Football Hall of Fame with the exception of the guy who was terrible. Like Brady early in his career, Wilson appears to be following the trajectory of coasting to a Super Bowl with the help of a great defense before emerging as a formidable talent himself. Russell Wilson has an even more immaculate public image than Brady, which is understandable given that his greatest “sin” appears to have been getting divorced and possibly stealing Joseph Fauria’s girlfriend, though this comes with the annoying consequence of Russell Wilson being unnecessarily praised for fulfilling such basic quarterback duties as watching game film and being a leader. Is this his fault? Mostly no, but we all suffer the whiny consequences.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Eventually people are going to start claiming Russell Wilson is the best quarterback in the NFL, which is clearly insane, but in the hype machine if Brady ties Montana, and to a lesser extent Bradshaw, will never go away. As will the claims that Tom Brady, who has spent most of his career on a team with a capital-E Elite defense and also put up his biggest number throwing to Randy Moss, arguably the most talented wide receiver in NFL history, is now better than Peyton Manning, whose team with him once made the playoffs and then, while losing him with very little other roster attrition, went 2-14.

Running Back

The Seahawks have Marshawn Lynch, who famously is refusing to do interviews, much to the chagrin of old hot sports take providers nationwide. I bet he doesn’t even like Springsteen! Lynch has an exciting, decidedly old-school mix of power and speed and is an objectively exciting player to watch, though he is far from perfect himself—in 2008, he was involved in a hit-and-run accident and in 2012, he was found to be legally drunk after a traffic stop.

Meanwhile, the Patriots have LeGarrette Blount, who is shockingly the same age as Lynch but with far less extensive of a résumé. Perhaps his NFL career has been somewhat eschewed by his tendency to punch opponents after losing and get released after leaving games early and then immediately signing with the best team in the conference.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Lynch’s infractions seem to be a matter of stupidity and Blount’s seem to be a matter of being a straight-up unlikable guy. Plus, Marshawn Lynch cajoling the media is always a good thing. I thought at first this was going to be like Richard Sherman last year, where there were twenty people defending Richard Sherman from his critics for every one person actually criticizing him, but a material portion of the media is serious about this. I guess they’re more inclined to defend newspaper reporters than sideline reporters, one of whom was the “target” of Sherman last year, because that’s where most columnists started.

The Rest of the Offense

The Patriots have Rob Gronkowski, a man who stands for fun and youthful exuberance and partying. I can see the argument for whether this is good or bad either way, but in the case of the dour, thoroughly anti-fun Patriots organization, I think it’s a positive, even though I can’t see Gronk without assuming he would probably break into my apartment and steal my beer. Aside from him, on either side, there’s not much to feel much passion about. His ex-teammate did kill a guy, but I guess at least the Patriots eventually cut him

ADVANTAGE: Patriots. They can’t really be  justly blamed if we have to hear five thousand times about what a great, natural possession receiver College Quarterback Julian Edelman is.

Defense

The Patriots have a mostly anonymous defense. You’re mostly looking at Rob Ninkovich, notable only because he has the most New England Patriots name possible (which is impressive because they have Rob Gronkowski and had Tedy Bruschi); Vince Wilfork, notable for being an exceptionally large player in the sport in which being fat is the least endearing relative to other sports; and Darrelle Revis, who isn’t as good as he used to be but because we’ve firmly placed “Revis Island” in our vernacular, we will pretend he is. Also, they don’t have Aqib Talib anymore, which is nice.

The Seahawks have a bunch of guys who have been popped for Adderall (though one of the more notable cases, Brandon Browner, is now on the Patriots), though the most famous by a mile is Richard Sherman. There isn’t a great cross-sport analogy for Sherman, though I guess one could reach and say he’s the equivalent of a decent starting pitcher who becomes a great closer, or a sixth man in basketball that doesn’t start and thus doesn’t face the best competition generally speaking. But word is Sherman may miss the Super Bowl (he won’t actually miss the Super Bowl) due to the impending birth of his child, and frankly, I’m not sure how Seattle can survive without a designated guy whose job will be to cover Brandon LaFell or something.

ADVANTAGE: Patriots. Again, close.

The Owners

Seahawks owner Paul Allen co-founded Microsoft. If not for Microsoft, the internet would still be a thing, but it would likely be much different and much worse than it is now. Patriots owner Bob Kraft is a close personal friend of Roger Goodell, a man who destroyed video evidence of the Patriots cheating to an extent we may never fully know because, without any video to consult, it’s all speculation. This one isn’t close.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks.

The Coaches

Seattle has Pete Carroll, who became Seahawks coach after fleeing USC right as they were about to go on probation for allowing boosters to pay players. New England has Bill Belichick, a sourpuss who is arguably the best coach in NFL history, even giving consideration to his previously-alluded-to cheating. Both men are cheaters who have largely avoided consequences for their actions (Carroll by fleeing the scene of the crime; Belichick by having an owner who is unbelievably cozy with the insanely corrupt commissioner of the NFL), though Carroll probably deserves some credit for at least bothering to have a smile on his face. Also, amazing fun fact: Pete Carroll is older than Bill Belichick. Seriously.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Also, the Patriots have Josh McDaniels, who when not roped in by Bill Belichick, contemptible but indisputably good at his job, drafted Tim Tebow in the first round and offensive coordinated the Rams to two wins. He was sandwiched between Pat Shurmur and Brian Schottenheimer as OC and was STILL the worst of the bunch. Screw him.

Fans

New England Patriots fans, and by proxy Boston fans, are the most insufferable in sports as a whole. In the 21^st century, Boston has an astonishing eight championships, including at least one in all of the major professional leagues. And yet they STILL complain. About how the Celtics are down. About the Yankees. About how you don’t “respect” the Patriots enough.

Seattle Seahawks fans are amazingly an even more self-celebratory bunch. What else can you call a group that has the number 12 retired by the franchise in their honor? And this is the same fan base that lost an NBA team within the last decade in no small part due to pedestrian fan support and which almost lost their NFL franchise in the late 1990s to Los Angeles. Amazingly, though, the Patriots had an even more pathetic near-relocation slightly earlier in the decade, when the team almost relocated to…St. Louis. Again, and I can’t stress this enough: Both of these teams, now acclaimed for having passionate fans that you can find EVERYWHERE, nearly skipped town. I’m old enough to remember a time when each of these franchises were mediocre and absolutely nobody thought much of their fans. Being “good” or “bad” fans is an artificial construct. Every “good” fan base is “good” because their team is generally successful with the exception of the Chicago Cubs, whose fan base is “good” because it’s mostly hipsters who don't know actual players. And yes, I’m very bitter about the Rams right now. I better stop.

ADVANTAGE: Patriots. At least when Patriots fans wear a #12 jersey, it’s commemorating a great player and not themselves.

This game is stupid and you shouldn’t watch it. But you will. And so will I. So in the meantime, root for whatever outcome will make fans the least happy in total. Personally, I want Seattle to win an ugly game in which Richard Sherman does not play but the Patriots passing offense remains totally ineffective. And for Roger Goodell to get upset about the poor quality of play and resign.

A Line-by-Line Breakdown of "All About That Bass"

While most attention to crowning seasonal pop music champions is focused upon declaring a "Song of the Summer", 2014 has produced an interesting battle for the pop hit which defined the Fall. 

In one corner, you have "Shake It Off" by pop veteran (who is 24 years old) Taylor Swift, a song which, for lack of a better phrase, is what it is: It's not a particularly profound song; it's built upon a few hooks and catchy, inane melodies; it's the very epitome of pop music. Some people like this song a lot but nobody is claiming it to be great art--it's a fun diversion.

In the other corner, you have "All About That Bass" by newcomer Meghan Trainor. The 20 year old has, in "All About That Bass", a huge pop hit with her very first single. But unlike Swift, who wrote a pop song, Trainor's song has been praised as something more. I fully expect the song to be nominated for a Grammy and it has a very good chance of winning it. Purported lyrical profundity is a good way to gain kudos.

Here, I am going to break down, line by line, the lyrics to "All About That Bass", since lyrical content is a major reason for its acclaim. I have little to say, really, about the musicality of the song--arguing about whether non-lyrical elements of music sound good seems a bit like arguing whether a person is attractive or not to me. Though don't worry--I have plenty of potshots to go around!

Because you know I'm all about that bass, bout that bass, no treble (Repeat a few times)

First of all, I'm amazed by how many people apparently think she's saying trouble. Are people not familiar with bass and treble? Am I dating myself by observing that as a child, I learned what bass and treble were through an actual, real life stereo? Anyway, I can sort of buy "bass" as an analogy for being larger since "bass" is a heavy sound. It's kind of weird but I THINK I GET IT. But treble? Like, I get that treble is the opposite of bass musically but can you imagine a body being referred to as "treble"? Does that mean it looks like a treble clef? Treble clefs are pretty damn curvy!

Yeah it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two, but I can shake it shake it, like I'm supposed to do

Here is a picture of Meghan Trainor.

Okay, she's probably not a size two. But she's not exactly big. If you knew a girl who looked like Meghan Trainor...wait, why am I being condescending here? You do know a girl who looks like Meghan Trainor. Several. She's a pretty girl who isn't super skinny. The implication that she has faced any kind of serious level of discrimination for her size is ludicrous. I don't tend to read too much into lyrics as a reflection on personal experiences--to steal a sentiment once used by Ice-T, I don't get mad that David Bowie isn't ACTUALLY an astronaut. But if we're going to make this song out to be Trainor's personal rally cry, it's probably worth questioning the validity of it.

And as for the fact that she can shake it shake it like she's supposed to...good for her. Just...cool. I question a little bit that you're supposed to do anything, or that you're under any obligation to do something in particular, but I'm just nitpicking here.

'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase, and all the right junk in all the right places

I want you to remember this line for later. I have nothing to say about it just yet, but I will. OHHHHH, I will.

I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop. We know that shit ain't real. C'mon now, make it stop

In a weird way, this is the point where "All About That Bass" starts to remind me a little bit of "Royals" by Lorde, in the sense that both songs are perfect autumn "message songs". Coming off of the summer songs, which are almost uniformly decadent good time jams, people decide they want a song with some kind of lyrical depth, but in both of these cases, the lyrics reach for some low-hanging fruit. Lorde expressed the pretty safe social critique that having money isn't all that important and Trainor expresses here that the media portrays a disingenuous image of women. Like, they're both right, but who is arguing with them? Now, mind you, I liked "Royals" for reasons aside from the lyrical content (until you heard it five billion times and got sick of it, it was pretty hard to deny that the production was pretty great). I don't quite hear the same accolades for the production of "All About That Bass".

If you got beauty beauty, just raise em up, 'cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

A lovely sentiment. I mean that. Perhaps somewhat trite, but that's okay. But let's revisit that line from before I told you to keep in mind. And now you have a mixed message. In this line, the message is that you're beautiful because of who you are. In the previous line, the message is that if you're not a "size two", you meet a special categorization of beauty because, well, boys like it. Honestly, I think Meghan Trainor was very well-meaning when she wrote the song and that she wanted to write a largely feminist anthem, but that she still felt the need to dip into cliches about empowered sexuality--I don't even mind songs about empowered sexuality, but a message of "It doesn't matter what anybody thinks" is quite different from a message of "Take advantage of what other people think."

Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size

You have a very good mother.

She says boys like a little more booty to hold at night

I question my previous statement. Not that I endorse the conventional parenting wisdom that you should make young girls ashamed of their sexuality, but this seems somewhat extreme on the other end.

You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll

Isn't the criticism of Barbie's physique generally less that she's a stick figure and more that she has an incredibly unrealistic bust size? Perhaps Barbie is the one who's all about that bass, Trainor.

So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

This line in and of itself is okay. If it weren't for a whole bunch of other lines saying the opposite, this line essentially saying "If you don't like the way I look, then fuck off" would be quite nice.

I'm bringing booty back

THANK GOD! I'm so sick of pop stars like Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj and Beyonce who forced "booty" (this sentence feels ridiculous on any level so I'm compromising by putting "booty" in quotes and adding this disclaimer) into a dark corner.

Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that

I am strongly opposed to discrimination against people because of their size. I have dealt with weight issues almost my entire life and I remain paranoid that if I ever slip up and fall back into unhealthy habits that once had me dangerously overweight, I will quickly undo everything I have done to keep my health under control. I understand that for some people--hell, for most people--their weight is a factor that, while they technically do have some agency in the matter, it can quickly spiral, and that any spiral that occurs is not a reflection on them being any lesser of a person. If a person is overweight, it's usually due to some combination of genetics (which they can't control), diet and inactivity (both of which they can control but what the hell difference is it to you, an independent human being, what he or she does?). So in summation, screw you for discriminating against overweight people.

But it works both ways. And you can't call people "skinny bitches" and expect to be taken seriously if your point is that discrimination is bad. Overweight people can be cool and awesome and vibrant and whatnot but so can skinny people. So much for every inch of you being perfect from the bottom to the top--this rule only applies if you aren't deemed a "skinny bitch."

No I'm just playing, I know you think you're fat, but I'm here to tell you, every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

As long as you think you're fat. If you're insecure because you don't think you are shapely enough (which isn't exactly an uncommon insecurity), you evidently aren't invited to the party.

In conclusion, this song is lyrically not for me. If you enjoy whitewashed pseudo-doo wop, that's up to you. But as for me, I'll go ahead and move along.

The Unique Pain of Rams Fandom

The St. Louis Cardinals are a team I root for. The St. Louis Rams are my team. There is a difference.

The Cardinals are the team that everybody roots for. They're the team that people who don't like sports watch because they're the team that wins. They aren't the team for sports fans--they're the team for fans of parades. There are few, if any, teams in professional sports in the United States for whom being a fan is easier than the St. Louis Cardinals--this is a team that has never finished back-to-back full seasons with  a losing record in my mother's nearly fifty-six years on Earth. For Cardinals fans, "pain" is being eliminated in the playoffs or maybe (GASP!) occasionally having to settle for a couple mostly irrelevant weeks in September.

Pain for a Rams fan is a decade of irrelevance and constant threats of the team leaving town. It's knowing that my team, the team whose successes and failures actually alter my mood, may leave me and knowing that a substantial segment of St. Louis will be happy to see it happen.

St. Louis, at its core, isn't a good sports town. That's not even a unique indictment--few towns are. But it's a town full of people who have deluded themselves into believing that the relative lack of passion for the Rams is somehow unrelated to the lack of on-field success of the team. Note, of course, that the popular non-Rams teams in the area are uniformly teams with tremendous, successful histories (Packers, Steelers, 49ers, Cowboys--the Cowboys ones even try to defend their fandom by claiming that they "suck", since they evidently have a dramatically different definition of ineptitude than anybody who has watched the last decade of the Rams). The next fan of the Jacksonville Jaguars I meet in St. Louis will be the first. But everybody has an excuse. Everybody has family in the successful NFL city (yet I don't know hoards of Pirates or Stars fans, oddly enough); people became fans before the Rams moved to town (again, nobody ever seems to have jumped on board with the Buffalo Bills, and if they did during their early 90s heyday, they appear to be long gone). Whatever gets you through the night, I guess.

But this isn't about the Rams losing or even the Rams being non-competitive. It's about the seeming inevitability that it's going to end and that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. And all I will have is a Cardinals team with self-congratulatory, "loyal" fans (until the team sucks, at least) and a hockey team that is eight years removed from being terrible and thus having the #30 attendance in the NHL. And it's considered a joke. The fact that a region whose entire identity is (sadly) built around sports doesn't care. The times got tough and the masses got going to Lambeau. And St. Louis refuses to believe that it could happen again with a different sport, as though St. Louis in September of 1999 was still fully invested in baseball above all else.

If the Rams move, and I'm not going to say "when" they move because I refuse to speak in the vernacular of the bandwagoning shits who may cause my team to move in the first place, it would create a permanent hole in my sporting heart. It will make me root less for the Blues and especially for the Cardinals. I don't think I will be able to go to Busch Stadium, see people trash-talking what losers the Cubs are, and compartmentalize it as something other than "these people cost me my team". That these people haven't earned their success with anything beyond minor heartbreak.

Of course, if the Cardinals fall apart and start losing 100 games a season (it seems crazy, but it seemed crazy after 1999-2001 that 2007-2011 would happen for the Rams), Busch Stadium will be a ghost town, relatively speaking. Not after one season, but if the Cardinals had a decade, say, like the Kansas City Royals had from 2000-2009, an average attendance of around 20,000 would be reasonable to expect. And then maybe I'd frequently pick up cheap tickets on Stubhub and maybe it'd feel like my team for the first time in my life. But it sure seems like some kind of sick personal issue that I would need a team to play poorly to feel like I belong as a fan. It makes me think of the legendary Groucho Marx quote: "I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member."

Of course, maybe if the Rams get good again in St. Louis, I wouldn't feel the same way. Maybe that's how I know they're my team, after all.

Audio Johnapedia--Game 5 and the Offseason

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8_5dfo2vik

Charlie

Tonight, the only dog I have ever owned passed away, a month shy of what would have been his sixteenth birthday.

Charlie Brown was adopted by my family in November of 1998, when I was in fourth grade, and we knew early on that Charlie was going to be around for a while—his father was adopted by my uncle, now 50, while he was in college (for historical reference, he was named Spuds MacKenzie). He died in the mid-2000s. And Charlie held up his end of the bargain.

Charlie was always there for me, even if he didn’t know it. Obviously he didn’t know it—even after hearing it thousands upon thousands of times, it’s doubtful he ever learned my name. But whether he really grasped it or not, Charlie was always there.

When my dad and I leapt out of our seats to bob-and-weave after the Rams won the Super Bowl, Charlie was there (startled, and presumably not very happy with us, but nevertheless there). When I needed a hug while watching news coverage on 9/11, Charlie was there. When I was an unhappy high school freshman, totally incapable of making friends after being immersed into a social situation in which a vast majority of my school went to the same middle school which I had not attended, and I felt destined for a permanently lonely existence, Charlie was there. When I overcame my social struggles, and then when I graduated from high school, and then when I went away to college, Charlie was there. When I moved back in after college and when I moved out a year and a half or so later, Charlie was there.

I can say with absolute certainty that Charlie didn’t remember any of those things. I doubt he had memories, really—just enough to know that he loved sitting in one specific recliner in the living room, he hated the sound that a toaster makes, and he had a definitive preference for “human food”. But for me, his presence was valuable in ways I couldn’t begin to measure. It is completely impossible to explain, but I am glad Charlie was there for so many important years of my life. I assume this is the way most pet owners feel—I probably just needed somebody to be my friend, whether it was a human or a small animal, and he was that.

He, like most dogs, was constantly happy. When my family got Charlie, we didn’t even have dial-up; in the ensuing decade and a half, my eyes were opened to a much more cynical world than I had anticipated (whether that was because of the internet or just growing up as a whole, I’m not entirely sure). But Charlie was always happy. Even as he was dying and certainly going through pain, he lit up the lives of not only me but my family. Anybody outside of my family who met Charlie probably didn’t think much of him and I can’t blame them—until he went almost totally deaf late in life, he would bark at just about anybody who walked through or near our front door. But to the four of us, he was a galvanizing ally who kept us together through the enormous changes that happen as a family’s children go from 9 to 25 and from 8 to 23.

I’m sad that Charlie is gone, but I’m happy that he was able to go peacefully, and I’m delighted that he was ever a part of my life.

Audio Johnapedia 42--The Haiku NFL Preview

http://youtu.be/yJEUG9tr9xU

I have given up on embedding, but click this link and you can watch what I'd have just embedded here anyway. Timestamps are there too!