DISCLAIMER: This blog
post is purely for entertainment purposes.
Johnapedia endorses neither the actual killing of people nor threatening
to do so.
Playing a game of
Fuck/Marry/Kill is kind of like running a classic rock radio station—on paper,
it’s really not very difficult to do pretty well, yet many fail. And largely, it’s due to the same
mistakes. Just as many mediocre classic
rock stations fall into the traps of overplaying mediocre arena rock bands like
Aerosmith or Boston, playing horrid arena rock bands like Journey or Styx, and
ignoring bands like bands that didn’t play many arena shows, many ignore a few
basic tenants which can make Fuck/Marry/Kill a treasured pastime.
Now, first, for those
unfamiliar with the game completely, let me explain. First, actually, let me explain to those of
you who don’t know me in real life—I *love* this game, which may henceforth be
abbreviated as FMK. To me, playing FMK
(when done PROPERLY) is one of the finest things a man (or woman) can do. But it must be done well.
The game’s structure could
really not be much simpler. What happens
is a person will provide another person with three names, either with names of
celebrities or people who the person knows, and the receiving person must
decide, hypothetically, which of the three he/she will choose to engage in holy
matrimony with, which he/she will choose to engage in sexual activities with,
and which he/she will end the life of.
It’s not a “game” in the sense that there are winners and losers—it’s
really just an exercise in fun, relaxedness, and mental flexibility. Yet people screw up this very simple game in
very simple ways. So here are seven
ground rules, not only for legitimizing gameplay but also as general elements
of strategy.
1.
Pick people all participants know
personally, whenever possible—For maximum fun, pick people you know. Why?
Because it’s more fun, duh. The
point is, if you give me Katy Perry/Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie, who the hell
honestly cares what I pick? They’re all
generally considered hot but I don’t know any of them personally—I have no good
reason to suspect any would be good as a wife or murder victim. And, say, I fuck Perry/marry Jolie/kill Fox—what
are you going to do about it? Obviously
you can’t tell a person the results if they’re in the trio supplied (I won’t
even qualify that with a rule it’s so obvious) but under what circumstances
could I feel sincere shame in picking any of the three for any of the three options? It’s just not fun.
2.
Avoid actual significant others—I don’t
say this because it’s inappropriate, I say this because you know EXACTLY which
way the person is going. The actual
significant other will be married 98% of the time, fucked 2% of the time, and
never killed. Where’s the fun in
that? Hell, I’ve never played FMK with a
married person, but I can’t imagine any circumstance under which the game works
if the spouse is involved. “Gee, you’d marry
her? Seems pretty far-fetched there.”
3.
IT’S A GAME—Often, a person who is
present will be included in the trio. If
you’re included in the trio, please don’t concern yourself with how the other
person picks. So what if your friend
decides they want to kill you? They aren’t
actually doing it. Recreational purposes
only. However, this should be a fairly
rare circumstance. It actually leads
into my fourth point.
4.
Don’t Neglect the Kill Option—It seems
that most players basically go in order of F, then M, then K. A person picks the hottest one, and then of
the remaining two picks the most marriage-worthy, and then the other one is
killed. But why? I’ll give you a situation once posed to me,
names completely retracted in case somebody reading this knows all three of
these people (which is highly unlikely because it implies anyone reads this
blog): I was given Girl A, Girl B, and Girl C.
Girl C is the hottest of the group but also is by far the worst
person. Girl B is fairly attractive and
a wonderful person. Girl A is also
fairly attractive and a mediocre person—not somebody I despise but not somebody
I particularly like either. Girl C,
under conventional wisdom, gets fucked.
But why? Can I really pass up the
opportunity to kill this person? The
answer, of course, is no. So I
considered all options and went with killing Girl C, marrying Girl B, and
fucking Girl A.
5.
Marriage Cannot Factor in Sex—This is an
absolute must. In fact, when considering
the Marry option, basically treat it as “Be Besties With”. Because that’s what this is. I recognize that if you’re marrying a person
in real life it means you’re probably going to be intimate with them more than
the once that the F option gives in this game.
But for simplicity’s sake, we cannot have options overlapping here. So assume a friendship. Actually, better yet, assume a totally
abstinent marriage. Consider who you’d
like as the parent of your child but assume that this child is adopted or from
a previous relationship. Regardless,
just as you shouldn’t just choose the hottest person you can for a spouse, you
shouldn’t just choose the hottest person for the marry option on here unless
they’re also your best option for a life partner.
6.
Marriage CAN Factor in Things Other Than
How You Get Along With A Person—Namely, money.
Money is hard to resist in this game—unless one of the other options is
your actual significant other (which, as has been established, it shouldn’t
be), how do you resist the billionaire option?
If you give me a trio in which it is two fairly attractive, fairly
likable women and a billionaire CEO with whom I have no specific moral
objection, I’m going with the CEO.
Shallow? Yes. But this is also hypothetical. And also a blog post about strategy of
playing Fuck Marry Kill—hopefully your expectations weren’t too high for the
level of class that would be exuded here.
7.
There’s Factors for Fuck Besides
Hotness!—Such as venereal diseases. You
gotta think things out here. One thing
which should not be a factor is legality.
Because nobody under the legal age should ever, under ANY circumstances,
be used. I shouldn’t have to tell you
people that, though.
