The Oscars tends to make quite a few egregious mistakes from time to time, particularly in crowning Best Picture winners. But as far as I'm concerned, these mistakes have generally been for the betterment of society. So here's a few parallel universe scenarios in which a terrible choice by the academy saved the universe.
In 1971, A Clockwork Orange lost out on the Best Picture award, losing to The French Connection, a movie that has exactly one good scene. By not giving Kubrick a Best Picture (and by extension, a Best Director award), it means Kubrick never got his Oscar. Which, given the way his career shaped out, is a good thing. In the 1960s and 1970s, Stanley Kubrick started getting a bunch of press as a directing genius and thus he stopped making movies. Seriously, he made his next movie after four years, and then five years, and then seven years, and then twelve years. Why? Because he was a pretentious prick who just needed to have tremendous control over everything he did. And this was without an Oscar. He never would have filmed Full Metal Jacket, the only movie he made after Clockwork Orange worth mentioning, at that rate. And thus I wouldn't know who R. Lee Ermey is. And thus life would be far less worth living.
In 1973, the wildly antiquated The Sting beat American Graffiti for Best Picture, which meant the world got Star Wars, which honestly I'm somewhat apathetic about. But what's important is that since George Lucas didn't get his Oscar, he had some limits. If you think George Lucas got a big head with the Star Wars franchise, can you imagine if he had an Oscar-winning film under his belt? You know how Jesus wasn't a character in Star Wars? Thank The Sting for that.
In 1976, in what has to be the most egregious Oscar mistake, the sentimental bullshit known as Rocky defeated Taxi Driver. Seriously. But while snubbing Martin Scorsese should never be considered a good thing, consider this: Scorsese would have given a speech. And, because this is Martin Scorsese in the 1970s, he would have been on a LOT of cocaine. And he would have made a scene. And he wouldn't have been able to make Raging Bull. Maybe he resuscitates for Goodfellas, but why risk it?
In 1979, melodrama Kramer vs. Kramer defeated epic Apocalypse Now, preventing Francis Ford Coppola from the immortal distinction of directing three Best Picture winners in the 1970s. Now, imagine how high Coppola's profile would have been with three Best Picture winners. You know how he made a mediocre third Godfather movie? Get ready for the fourth! Starring Sofia Coppola. Fuck the fact that Sofia's awful character died in the third--she's resurrecting! It's Last Temptation of Christ, but with Coppola. Instead, we were basically spared a full-fledged Sofia Coppola acting career and instead just have to deal with occasional boring, pretentious movies.
1980. Ordinary People over Raging Bull. See 1976.
In 1983, weepie Terms of Endearment beat the greatest space exploration movie of them all, The Right Stuff. But Terms of Endearment made James L. Brooks a magical name in entertainment. Thus he was able to not only co-create The Simpsons, but negotiate a plush deal in which they got total creative control. Thanks again, Jim Brooks. You did God's work. It was completely worth making this chick flick to get to it.
In 1990, Kevin Costner's Dances With Wolves beat Scorsese's Goodfellas. Thus Marty kept shooting for the stars. It's okay that Costner gave up directing good movies--he wasn't going to do anything that good anyway. But thanks to Scorsese being motivated, we got Casino just five years later. Costner was going to deliver Waterworld regardless.
In 1994, Forrest Gump beat Shawshank Redemption. And since Frank Darabont ONLY makes movies about prison, and the genre isn't THAT deep, it's probably for the best that he didn't get a blank check.
So basically, thank you Academy for not knowing what the hell you're doing. Much obliged.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Ten Better Choices for the Super Bowl Halftime Show Than F***ing Madonna
I don't know how many musical acts there are in the world, thus I can't know exactly how many choices would be better than Madonna, this year's pick. It's really a fairly insane choice--get somebody who nobody has liked for at least a decade, who has terrible music, who is well past her "prime", and whose music is the antithesis of the kind of music you know and love in NFL stadiums. But here's ten better choices, in case the NFL wants to get its shit together and actually try to select good acts like it did just a few years ago (I left it to acts who have yet to perform the halftime show, but if the NFL decided to bring back Prince, U2, or Stevie Wonder, this guy isn't going to argue).
10. David Bowie--He may be perceived as too artsy for a halftime show, but he has enough epics ("Heroes" is just about the perfect song for a three-to-four song set at the most popular event on American TV every year) to carry it. He has a very deep catalog with an incredibly diverse group of songs--picking out three songs to play isn't exactly rocket science.
Proposed Set List: Changes, Space Oddity, Fame, Heroes
9. Queen+Paul Rodgers--Now, the second part of this explains why the NFL has probably never pursued Queen. I have absolutely no doubts that if Freddie Mercury were alive, they'd have been offered the slot around the time Prince got it. They're the kings of anthemic stadium rock, and while having Paul Rodgers perform is kind of like, to use a football analogy, replacing Joe Montana, Paul Rodgers is Steve Young. Better yet, Queen could lure Bowie into the show to perform Under Pressure!
Proposed Set List: We Will Rock You, We Are the Champions, Another One Bites the Dust, Under Pressure (with David Bowie--if they can't get Bowie, Bohemian Rhapsody)
8. John Mellencamp--His best chance of performing at the halftime show was probably this year, since it's in his home state of Indiana. But, of course, they went with fucking Madonna instead. And I don't even particularly like Mellencamp, but this was a no-brainer. This is "Getting a better backup for Peyton Manning than Curtis Painter" easy. Mellencamp is basically out of the same all-American vein as previous performers Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen and he makes a lot of anthems. A Mellencamp halftime show has little potential for greatness, but tremendous potential for goodness. It's safe, but at least it's not deplorable.
Proposed Set List: Jack and Diane, R.O.C.K. in the USA, Hurts So Good, Pink Houses
7. The Black Keys--One of the few contemporary rock bands (other than Nickelback, who I excluded because it has already caused a big enough backlash on Thanksgiving) who has produced rock anthems that also turned out to be fairly big hits. Having songs on commercials is the kind of fame that they're generally looking for here. The performance would almost certainly be energetic, if nothing else. It also allows the NFL to look hip (or hipster, depending who you ask).
Proposed Set List: Howlin' for You, Lonely Boy, Tighten Up, Gold on the Ceiling
6. Metallica--Probably too "edgy" for the halftime show, but they probably would have said the same thing about the Rolling Stones in the 1960s. Their songs are omnipresent enough in NFL stadiums to fit the bill. And it's not like they've never played a stadium before.
Proposed Set List: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Fuel, Enter Sandman
5. Foo Fighters--As the most popular American rock band of the last however many years, as well as being extremely energetic, this seems like the logical choice if the NFL really wants to pick a popular, non-decrepit band. They don't, of course, so they'll continue to pander to what the panelists on The View want, but in an ideal world, this halftime show would happen.
Proposed Set List: Learn to Fly, Everlong, Rope, Best Of You
4. Bon Jovi--Let me perfectly clear, I hate Bon Jovi. I absolutely despise everything they stand for. They are not a good band, they have never been a good band, they exist primarily so women and wussy men can pretend to like "heavy metal." If there were any justice in the world, Bon Jovi would have never emerged from New Jersey. But as it stands, it is impossible to deny both that they are popular, they're no worse now than they were in the 1980s (my careful way of saying that, unlike most bands of the era, they didn't drop off completely), and they write songs that are designed to be played at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Proposed Set List: Who Says You Can't Go Home (since this will be the halftime show when the Super Bowl is in the Meadowlands), You Give Love a Bad Name, Livin on a Prayer, Wanted Dead or Alive
3. Led Zeppelin--Okay, so they barely reunited, and this is past tense. A reunited Led Zeppelin, with Jason Bonham on drums, is the single greatest choice in the history of music. If all four Beatles were still alive, Led Zeppelin would be a better choice. And if Zeppelin were to cash in on the huge amount of money they would get for a reunion tour in the states, there would be no better venue to kick it off than the Super Bowl halftime show.
Proposed Set List: Good Times Bad Times, Whole Lotta Love, Black Dog, Rock and Roll
2. Elton John--Elton John appeals to basically everybody that the NFL is trying to appeal to. Elton John's popularity transcends race, gender, and era. He can throw out some ballads to appeal to the middle-of-the-road ladies, some energy for the young'ns, and assuming his voice is back together, it would be one of the better halftime shows of recent memory.
Proposed Set List: Your Song, Rocket Man, Bennie and the Jets, Crocodile Rock
1. AC/DC--This barely qualifies as a suggestion and more of a demand. Actually, it's probably more of a puzzled look. How could the kings of big dumb rock and roll (this is meant as a compliment), who would absolutely do it, not get the invitation to perform the halftime show? Afraid of an Angus Young wardrobe malfunction? AC/DC will appeal to the rocker dudes who complain every year about the halftime act (even when The Motherfucking Who were performing), but it also appeals to basically anyone who has ever been to a wedding reception and thus knows AC/DC's big hits.
Proposed Set List: Thunderstruck, For Those About to Rock, Back in Black, You Shook Me All Night Long
10. David Bowie--He may be perceived as too artsy for a halftime show, but he has enough epics ("Heroes" is just about the perfect song for a three-to-four song set at the most popular event on American TV every year) to carry it. He has a very deep catalog with an incredibly diverse group of songs--picking out three songs to play isn't exactly rocket science.
Proposed Set List: Changes, Space Oddity, Fame, Heroes
9. Queen+Paul Rodgers--Now, the second part of this explains why the NFL has probably never pursued Queen. I have absolutely no doubts that if Freddie Mercury were alive, they'd have been offered the slot around the time Prince got it. They're the kings of anthemic stadium rock, and while having Paul Rodgers perform is kind of like, to use a football analogy, replacing Joe Montana, Paul Rodgers is Steve Young. Better yet, Queen could lure Bowie into the show to perform Under Pressure!
Proposed Set List: We Will Rock You, We Are the Champions, Another One Bites the Dust, Under Pressure (with David Bowie--if they can't get Bowie, Bohemian Rhapsody)
8. John Mellencamp--His best chance of performing at the halftime show was probably this year, since it's in his home state of Indiana. But, of course, they went with fucking Madonna instead. And I don't even particularly like Mellencamp, but this was a no-brainer. This is "Getting a better backup for Peyton Manning than Curtis Painter" easy. Mellencamp is basically out of the same all-American vein as previous performers Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen and he makes a lot of anthems. A Mellencamp halftime show has little potential for greatness, but tremendous potential for goodness. It's safe, but at least it's not deplorable.
Proposed Set List: Jack and Diane, R.O.C.K. in the USA, Hurts So Good, Pink Houses
7. The Black Keys--One of the few contemporary rock bands (other than Nickelback, who I excluded because it has already caused a big enough backlash on Thanksgiving) who has produced rock anthems that also turned out to be fairly big hits. Having songs on commercials is the kind of fame that they're generally looking for here. The performance would almost certainly be energetic, if nothing else. It also allows the NFL to look hip (or hipster, depending who you ask).
Proposed Set List: Howlin' for You, Lonely Boy, Tighten Up, Gold on the Ceiling
6. Metallica--Probably too "edgy" for the halftime show, but they probably would have said the same thing about the Rolling Stones in the 1960s. Their songs are omnipresent enough in NFL stadiums to fit the bill. And it's not like they've never played a stadium before.
Proposed Set List: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Fuel, Enter Sandman
5. Foo Fighters--As the most popular American rock band of the last however many years, as well as being extremely energetic, this seems like the logical choice if the NFL really wants to pick a popular, non-decrepit band. They don't, of course, so they'll continue to pander to what the panelists on The View want, but in an ideal world, this halftime show would happen.
Proposed Set List: Learn to Fly, Everlong, Rope, Best Of You
4. Bon Jovi--Let me perfectly clear, I hate Bon Jovi. I absolutely despise everything they stand for. They are not a good band, they have never been a good band, they exist primarily so women and wussy men can pretend to like "heavy metal." If there were any justice in the world, Bon Jovi would have never emerged from New Jersey. But as it stands, it is impossible to deny both that they are popular, they're no worse now than they were in the 1980s (my careful way of saying that, unlike most bands of the era, they didn't drop off completely), and they write songs that are designed to be played at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Proposed Set List: Who Says You Can't Go Home (since this will be the halftime show when the Super Bowl is in the Meadowlands), You Give Love a Bad Name, Livin on a Prayer, Wanted Dead or Alive
3. Led Zeppelin--Okay, so they barely reunited, and this is past tense. A reunited Led Zeppelin, with Jason Bonham on drums, is the single greatest choice in the history of music. If all four Beatles were still alive, Led Zeppelin would be a better choice. And if Zeppelin were to cash in on the huge amount of money they would get for a reunion tour in the states, there would be no better venue to kick it off than the Super Bowl halftime show.
Proposed Set List: Good Times Bad Times, Whole Lotta Love, Black Dog, Rock and Roll
2. Elton John--Elton John appeals to basically everybody that the NFL is trying to appeal to. Elton John's popularity transcends race, gender, and era. He can throw out some ballads to appeal to the middle-of-the-road ladies, some energy for the young'ns, and assuming his voice is back together, it would be one of the better halftime shows of recent memory.
Proposed Set List: Your Song, Rocket Man, Bennie and the Jets, Crocodile Rock
1. AC/DC--This barely qualifies as a suggestion and more of a demand. Actually, it's probably more of a puzzled look. How could the kings of big dumb rock and roll (this is meant as a compliment), who would absolutely do it, not get the invitation to perform the halftime show? Afraid of an Angus Young wardrobe malfunction? AC/DC will appeal to the rocker dudes who complain every year about the halftime act (even when The Motherfucking Who were performing), but it also appeals to basically anyone who has ever been to a wedding reception and thus knows AC/DC's big hits.
Proposed Set List: Thunderstruck, For Those About to Rock, Back in Black, You Shook Me All Night Long
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Three Rational Observations About Tim Tebow
I make these statements knowing that I will be totally in the minority, knowing that Tebow fanboys will label this deplorable Tebow hating and Tebow haters will label this sheer idiocy.
1. Tim Tebow is a good quarterback, though not the best quarterback in the NFL: There seems to be this new notion as of late that Tim Tebow is a gritty underdog who has utilized raw desire to become a NFL starting quarterback.
Um, Tim Tebow won a Heisman Trophy.
And in spite of what Jason White may teach us, nobody should be all that surprised when a Heisman Trophy winner turns out to be a good football player. Jesus, look at his resume. Freshman year he played a significant role on a national championship winner. Sophomore year he became the first sophomore to win a Heisman. Junior year he won a national championship. Senior year he made his third trip to NYC for the Heisman ceremony and nearly won a third national title, were it not for one of the most stifling defenses that college football has ever seen. Tebow had the best college football career since Herschel Walker. Everybody should know he's good. It's not a huge surprise. He was also a first round pick. A Heisman winner who was picked in the first round. Matt Leinart was an instant dud in the pros yet received far more of a benefit of the doubt.
And look at his NFL stats. While not excellent, they're not that bad. Tebow has a low completion percentage because his offensive style comes right out of 1974, despite how many people at ESPN claim this style has never been seen before. He is not a West Coast offense quarterback--he throws deep passes. It means he has a low completion percentage but also an enormous yards per completion. Frankly, the two kind of balance out. And before you claim Tebow isn't worthy of being an NFL quarterback, consider that apparently, Tarvaris Jackson is. With the possible exception of Vince Young, has a quarterback received more unnecessary hate?
But with that said, the fanboys need to calm down their Teboners. Skip Bayless can say all he wants that "all Tebow does is win", but his NFL record, while above .500, isn't in the same class as Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers or countless other NFL quarterbacks. He doesn't have the arm strength of Matthew Stafford or the accuracy of Drew Brees or the legs of Michael Vick or the running power of Cam Newton. He has a good arm, below-average accuracy, good pocket presence, and comes out of the Ben Roethlisberger school of running as a quarterback (not spectacular, but good at avoiding pressure and can pick up a few yards when necessary). Nothing too notable here.
2. Tim Tebow isn't an oppressed minority: Tebow is a good-looking twenty-four year old white Christian male millionaire. If you think people are hating on him for who he is, I demand a drug test.
That's not to say that hatred of Tebow is rational--it isn't. Hatred of Tebow is based on the notion that the guy can't play, mostly (unlike with, say, John Skelton, who everybody agrees can't play, people don't have to shout this because there isn't a vocal group of supporters in his corner). And while it's true that some people hate on Tim Tebow for prosthelytizing his religious beliefs (which he doesn't particularly do--but more on that in a second), there is just as large of a contingent of people propping him up exclusively because of his religion. People who don't give two shits about football are propping up Tim Tebow for whatever cause they want to endorse, whether it be that Christianity is the way to success (not sure what God was thinking when he ordained O.J. Simpson a Heisman Trophy winner) or that Tebow proves that abortion leads to us killing millions of potential Tim Tebows (a solid assumption, since it's not like abortion on Hitler would have been a net positive or anything). It goes both ways. Hell, Tim Tebow, who clearly isn't the best athlete in the world, was recently voted America's most popular athlete, a title previously held by a bunch of guys who were at least in the running for world's greatest athlete.
Okay, but now onto this idea that Tim Tebow is a sanctimonious, obnoxious Christian mouthpiece--on what basis do you make this claim? He often gives God credit for making his life good and whatnot, but unlike thousands of athletes before him who were simultaneously cheating on their wives or doing drugs, I've never heard him thank God for a victory. Which is nice. Unlike the sanctimonious douchebags who espouse that God guided them to victory (an obvious implication both that God is paying attention to sports instead of poverty and war and stuff, and also that God conspired against somebody else to lose), Tebow takes a genuine, hard-to-knock position: That he loves God, but also that he doesn't expect God to do him any favors on the gridiron. He plays for himself and for his teammates--Tebow isn't going to convert people to his cause by stiff-arming a defender.
3. Tim Tebow has a personality that neither his fans nor his detractors want him to display: You know how every once in a while, you see Tim Tebow on the sidelines screaming and getting really pumped up and you think to yourself, "Hey, this guy has an edge to him. I'm not saying that he secretly kills hookers or something, but he has personality. He has a spark. He isn't just a walking, talking biblical scholar but he's a religious guy who also probably has friends, hobbies, and things he thinks about other than football and God." Well, I don't know if you think that. But I do.
I've met many people in my life who were quite religious, not limited to clergymen, and 100% of them had interests beyond the church. My great uncle was a Catholic priest and was a genuinely religious man, but he liked other things, too. He was a die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan, he enjoyed fishing, and he loved watching movies (and not just movies starring Charlton Heston from the 1950s). I have a really, really hard time believing that Tim Tebow only cares about football and religion. I'm sure when he was in college, he would gather with his teammates or his youth group and they'd hang out and watch movies or play board games or something to that effect. Does this make him an exceptionally exciting person? Not really. But it does make him a normal person. Tim Tebow is a human, yet even people who believe in his cause refuse to humanize him. Do they truly believe that Tim Tebow is the second coming? I doubt it. So why not treat him as a person? Just say what it is: "Tim Tebow is a good football player with tremendous physical ability who is devoutly religious and also enjoys (fill in hobbies)." Is that really that bad of a thing?
1. Tim Tebow is a good quarterback, though not the best quarterback in the NFL: There seems to be this new notion as of late that Tim Tebow is a gritty underdog who has utilized raw desire to become a NFL starting quarterback.
Um, Tim Tebow won a Heisman Trophy.
And in spite of what Jason White may teach us, nobody should be all that surprised when a Heisman Trophy winner turns out to be a good football player. Jesus, look at his resume. Freshman year he played a significant role on a national championship winner. Sophomore year he became the first sophomore to win a Heisman. Junior year he won a national championship. Senior year he made his third trip to NYC for the Heisman ceremony and nearly won a third national title, were it not for one of the most stifling defenses that college football has ever seen. Tebow had the best college football career since Herschel Walker. Everybody should know he's good. It's not a huge surprise. He was also a first round pick. A Heisman winner who was picked in the first round. Matt Leinart was an instant dud in the pros yet received far more of a benefit of the doubt.
And look at his NFL stats. While not excellent, they're not that bad. Tebow has a low completion percentage because his offensive style comes right out of 1974, despite how many people at ESPN claim this style has never been seen before. He is not a West Coast offense quarterback--he throws deep passes. It means he has a low completion percentage but also an enormous yards per completion. Frankly, the two kind of balance out. And before you claim Tebow isn't worthy of being an NFL quarterback, consider that apparently, Tarvaris Jackson is. With the possible exception of Vince Young, has a quarterback received more unnecessary hate?
But with that said, the fanboys need to calm down their Teboners. Skip Bayless can say all he wants that "all Tebow does is win", but his NFL record, while above .500, isn't in the same class as Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers or countless other NFL quarterbacks. He doesn't have the arm strength of Matthew Stafford or the accuracy of Drew Brees or the legs of Michael Vick or the running power of Cam Newton. He has a good arm, below-average accuracy, good pocket presence, and comes out of the Ben Roethlisberger school of running as a quarterback (not spectacular, but good at avoiding pressure and can pick up a few yards when necessary). Nothing too notable here.
2. Tim Tebow isn't an oppressed minority: Tebow is a good-looking twenty-four year old white Christian male millionaire. If you think people are hating on him for who he is, I demand a drug test.
That's not to say that hatred of Tebow is rational--it isn't. Hatred of Tebow is based on the notion that the guy can't play, mostly (unlike with, say, John Skelton, who everybody agrees can't play, people don't have to shout this because there isn't a vocal group of supporters in his corner). And while it's true that some people hate on Tim Tebow for prosthelytizing his religious beliefs (which he doesn't particularly do--but more on that in a second), there is just as large of a contingent of people propping him up exclusively because of his religion. People who don't give two shits about football are propping up Tim Tebow for whatever cause they want to endorse, whether it be that Christianity is the way to success (not sure what God was thinking when he ordained O.J. Simpson a Heisman Trophy winner) or that Tebow proves that abortion leads to us killing millions of potential Tim Tebows (a solid assumption, since it's not like abortion on Hitler would have been a net positive or anything). It goes both ways. Hell, Tim Tebow, who clearly isn't the best athlete in the world, was recently voted America's most popular athlete, a title previously held by a bunch of guys who were at least in the running for world's greatest athlete.
Okay, but now onto this idea that Tim Tebow is a sanctimonious, obnoxious Christian mouthpiece--on what basis do you make this claim? He often gives God credit for making his life good and whatnot, but unlike thousands of athletes before him who were simultaneously cheating on their wives or doing drugs, I've never heard him thank God for a victory. Which is nice. Unlike the sanctimonious douchebags who espouse that God guided them to victory (an obvious implication both that God is paying attention to sports instead of poverty and war and stuff, and also that God conspired against somebody else to lose), Tebow takes a genuine, hard-to-knock position: That he loves God, but also that he doesn't expect God to do him any favors on the gridiron. He plays for himself and for his teammates--Tebow isn't going to convert people to his cause by stiff-arming a defender.
3. Tim Tebow has a personality that neither his fans nor his detractors want him to display: You know how every once in a while, you see Tim Tebow on the sidelines screaming and getting really pumped up and you think to yourself, "Hey, this guy has an edge to him. I'm not saying that he secretly kills hookers or something, but he has personality. He has a spark. He isn't just a walking, talking biblical scholar but he's a religious guy who also probably has friends, hobbies, and things he thinks about other than football and God." Well, I don't know if you think that. But I do.
I've met many people in my life who were quite religious, not limited to clergymen, and 100% of them had interests beyond the church. My great uncle was a Catholic priest and was a genuinely religious man, but he liked other things, too. He was a die-hard St. Louis Cardinals fan, he enjoyed fishing, and he loved watching movies (and not just movies starring Charlton Heston from the 1950s). I have a really, really hard time believing that Tim Tebow only cares about football and religion. I'm sure when he was in college, he would gather with his teammates or his youth group and they'd hang out and watch movies or play board games or something to that effect. Does this make him an exceptionally exciting person? Not really. But it does make him a normal person. Tim Tebow is a human, yet even people who believe in his cause refuse to humanize him. Do they truly believe that Tim Tebow is the second coming? I doubt it. So why not treat him as a person? Just say what it is: "Tim Tebow is a good football player with tremendous physical ability who is devoutly religious and also enjoys (fill in hobbies)." Is that really that bad of a thing?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Ten Greatest Coattail Riders in Music History!
This isn't even an example of me hating on music, per se. Here is a list of ten household names in music who have gotten to their position largely by surrounding themselves with people who are better than they are.
10. Ozzy Osbourne--Ozzy came to fame with Black Sabbath, a band carried by Tony Iommi's innovative power chords, Geezer Butler's heavy bass, and Bill Ward's tremendous drumming. Ozzy stood there and yelled lyrics (generally written by Geezer Butler) about iron men, war pigs, and fairies which wear boots. After he got kicked out of Black Sabbath for being a drug-fueled mess, he proceeded to hook up with excellent guitarists like Randy Rhoads and Zakk Wylde, who wrote him good songs. I guess you can't hate Ozzy for riding the crazy train to immortality, but you can hate him for doing whatever the hell Sharon tells him to do.
9. Pete Wentz--This is an almost unfair inclusion because it implies Fall Out Boy is a greatest anything in musical history (they aren't even the best band named after a Simpsons character--see Laszlo Panaflex). But Pete Wentz does nothing. He isn't the singer. He isn't the guitarist. He doesn't write the songs. He does write the lyrics, which generally exist to be made fun of by people who hate the band. His greatest contribution to society is not using vowels in song titles. La dee freaking da.
8. Mick Fleetwood--Given that he is in Fleetwood Mac, it would imply he's the singer. He has never sung a Fleetwood Mac song (I'm not particularly a fan but I can name four people who have sung lead on Fleetwood Mac songs off the top of my head). He doesn't write songs. Fleetwood, while a drummer, isn't a particularly acclaimed drummer, yet he's probably the second most famous person from the band. Kind of like Ozzy in that he's good at finding talent and leeching on, but even more blatantly so.
7. Jim Morrison--Modern belief would suggest that The Doors were merely Jim Morrison's backup band. In fact, it was the musicians who carried Morrison. Ray Manzarek's organ made "Light My Fire" a classic, Robby Krieger was one of the best guitarists of his era, and Jim Morrison existed largely for lyrical pretension. I mean, can you tell me with a straight face "The End" isn't boring and pretentious bullshit?
6. Ringo Starr--This is almost unfair because most people acknowledge he's the worst of the Beatles, but in a world in which people will still (even if ironically) cite Ringo Starr as their favorite Beatle. Here's what it comes down to: I'm going to name a Beatle and then also name two songs which he sang lead vocals on and with which he is generally credited as the predominant writer. Paul McCartney: Hey Jude and Let It Be. John Lennon: Strawberry Fields Forever and Revolution. George Harrison: Something and While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Ringo Starr: Octopus Garden and Don't Pass Me By. One of these things is not like the others...
5. David Crosby--Besides being the subject of "I Am the Walrus", Crosby does a great job of riding coattails. He made the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame TWICE by riding them. With the Byrds, it was Roger McGuinn. It's hard to say whose it was when he teamed up with Stills, Nash, and Young, but I say with little-to-no hesitation that Crosby did the least of these three. Young has a slew of great hits; Stills had "Love the One You're With"; Graham Nash, while a wuss, at least wrote key songs for the bands he was is. David Crosby never had solo success for a reason--he isn't very talented.
4. Bernie Taupin--Bernie Taupin is a famous name in rock and roll for being Elton John's lyricist. And he's not even good at it! "If I was a sculptor, but then again, no." "Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids; in fact, it's cold as hell." These are not good lyrics. Elton John succeeds because Elton John is a hell of a singer, songwriter, pianist, and showman. I can't even begin to imagine how awful of a lyricist he is that he needs to outsource his lyrics writing TO BERNIE TAUPIN.
3. Gene Simmons--Not that Kiss is a great band, by any means, but what musical credibility which is had by the band derives from Paul Stanley, the lead singer/songwriter. Unless you consider "Calling Dr. Love" the apex of Kiss music (which, in fairness, wouldn't be the worst idea), there's really nothing the band did which was the work of Gene Simmons. Even their biggest hit was sung and written by Peter Criss. The best musician of the band's classic lineup is Ace Frehley. So what does Gene Simmons do? Well, he has the most famous makeup. And he has a really long tongue. And he follows the Ted Nugent school of "clean living in terms of not drinking but dirty living in terms of running down skanks." These skills aren't exactly musical.
2. Brian Jones--You'd think Brian Jones was the man who made the early Rolling Stones tick. But alas, it's ALWAYS been Mick and Keith. Every song they ever made worth mentioning was a Mick and Keith song. And it's not like Brian Jones was a lead guitarist or anything--his biggest contribution in reality was as a utility man, playing some of the more unusual instruments in the Stones arsenal. Which, if you think about it, doesn't have that much of a role (except "Paint It Black"). If you had to rank the most important members of the Rolling Stones sound, it goes Keith Richards, Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts, Bill Wyman, Mick Taylor, Ron Wood, Brian Jones. #7. Yet he's a legend. Apparently if you die at 27, people will turn you into a deity.
1. Sid Vicious--The Sex Pistols are a great band of bad musicians. Kind of. For as much talk as there is of the Sex Pistols being a ragged group of shitheads, its members did work. Paul Cook was an unsubtle (i.e. perfect for the band) drummer. Steve Jones made some of the greatest guitar riffs and pseudo-solos ("Holidays in the Sun") of all-time. Johnny Rotten was, for a year, the greatest frontman of all time. Even Glen Matlock, the original bassist, had a huge role, often being cited as a primary songwriter for the group. So what did Sid Vicious do, besides become the band's most famous member? Well, he played bass on "Bodies", one of the worst Sex Pistols songs. Though according to the band, Steve Jones actually overdubbed Vicious's bass to a point of being unable to hear it. It's not really a stretch--Steve Jones is credited to play bass on ten of the twelve songs on their only album. And that's it. Sid Vicious, the most famous member of the Sex Pistols, played the original, eventually over-dubbed bass on a forgettable Sex Pistols song. And that is it. I want somebody to justify to me why Gary Oldman didn't play Steve Jones in a movie.
10. Ozzy Osbourne--Ozzy came to fame with Black Sabbath, a band carried by Tony Iommi's innovative power chords, Geezer Butler's heavy bass, and Bill Ward's tremendous drumming. Ozzy stood there and yelled lyrics (generally written by Geezer Butler) about iron men, war pigs, and fairies which wear boots. After he got kicked out of Black Sabbath for being a drug-fueled mess, he proceeded to hook up with excellent guitarists like Randy Rhoads and Zakk Wylde, who wrote him good songs. I guess you can't hate Ozzy for riding the crazy train to immortality, but you can hate him for doing whatever the hell Sharon tells him to do.
9. Pete Wentz--This is an almost unfair inclusion because it implies Fall Out Boy is a greatest anything in musical history (they aren't even the best band named after a Simpsons character--see Laszlo Panaflex). But Pete Wentz does nothing. He isn't the singer. He isn't the guitarist. He doesn't write the songs. He does write the lyrics, which generally exist to be made fun of by people who hate the band. His greatest contribution to society is not using vowels in song titles. La dee freaking da.
8. Mick Fleetwood--Given that he is in Fleetwood Mac, it would imply he's the singer. He has never sung a Fleetwood Mac song (I'm not particularly a fan but I can name four people who have sung lead on Fleetwood Mac songs off the top of my head). He doesn't write songs. Fleetwood, while a drummer, isn't a particularly acclaimed drummer, yet he's probably the second most famous person from the band. Kind of like Ozzy in that he's good at finding talent and leeching on, but even more blatantly so.
7. Jim Morrison--Modern belief would suggest that The Doors were merely Jim Morrison's backup band. In fact, it was the musicians who carried Morrison. Ray Manzarek's organ made "Light My Fire" a classic, Robby Krieger was one of the best guitarists of his era, and Jim Morrison existed largely for lyrical pretension. I mean, can you tell me with a straight face "The End" isn't boring and pretentious bullshit?
6. Ringo Starr--This is almost unfair because most people acknowledge he's the worst of the Beatles, but in a world in which people will still (even if ironically) cite Ringo Starr as their favorite Beatle. Here's what it comes down to: I'm going to name a Beatle and then also name two songs which he sang lead vocals on and with which he is generally credited as the predominant writer. Paul McCartney: Hey Jude and Let It Be. John Lennon: Strawberry Fields Forever and Revolution. George Harrison: Something and While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Ringo Starr: Octopus Garden and Don't Pass Me By. One of these things is not like the others...
5. David Crosby--Besides being the subject of "I Am the Walrus", Crosby does a great job of riding coattails. He made the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame TWICE by riding them. With the Byrds, it was Roger McGuinn. It's hard to say whose it was when he teamed up with Stills, Nash, and Young, but I say with little-to-no hesitation that Crosby did the least of these three. Young has a slew of great hits; Stills had "Love the One You're With"; Graham Nash, while a wuss, at least wrote key songs for the bands he was is. David Crosby never had solo success for a reason--he isn't very talented.
4. Bernie Taupin--Bernie Taupin is a famous name in rock and roll for being Elton John's lyricist. And he's not even good at it! "If I was a sculptor, but then again, no." "Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids; in fact, it's cold as hell." These are not good lyrics. Elton John succeeds because Elton John is a hell of a singer, songwriter, pianist, and showman. I can't even begin to imagine how awful of a lyricist he is that he needs to outsource his lyrics writing TO BERNIE TAUPIN.
3. Gene Simmons--Not that Kiss is a great band, by any means, but what musical credibility which is had by the band derives from Paul Stanley, the lead singer/songwriter. Unless you consider "Calling Dr. Love" the apex of Kiss music (which, in fairness, wouldn't be the worst idea), there's really nothing the band did which was the work of Gene Simmons. Even their biggest hit was sung and written by Peter Criss. The best musician of the band's classic lineup is Ace Frehley. So what does Gene Simmons do? Well, he has the most famous makeup. And he has a really long tongue. And he follows the Ted Nugent school of "clean living in terms of not drinking but dirty living in terms of running down skanks." These skills aren't exactly musical.
2. Brian Jones--You'd think Brian Jones was the man who made the early Rolling Stones tick. But alas, it's ALWAYS been Mick and Keith. Every song they ever made worth mentioning was a Mick and Keith song. And it's not like Brian Jones was a lead guitarist or anything--his biggest contribution in reality was as a utility man, playing some of the more unusual instruments in the Stones arsenal. Which, if you think about it, doesn't have that much of a role (except "Paint It Black"). If you had to rank the most important members of the Rolling Stones sound, it goes Keith Richards, Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts, Bill Wyman, Mick Taylor, Ron Wood, Brian Jones. #7. Yet he's a legend. Apparently if you die at 27, people will turn you into a deity.
1. Sid Vicious--The Sex Pistols are a great band of bad musicians. Kind of. For as much talk as there is of the Sex Pistols being a ragged group of shitheads, its members did work. Paul Cook was an unsubtle (i.e. perfect for the band) drummer. Steve Jones made some of the greatest guitar riffs and pseudo-solos ("Holidays in the Sun") of all-time. Johnny Rotten was, for a year, the greatest frontman of all time. Even Glen Matlock, the original bassist, had a huge role, often being cited as a primary songwriter for the group. So what did Sid Vicious do, besides become the band's most famous member? Well, he played bass on "Bodies", one of the worst Sex Pistols songs. Though according to the band, Steve Jones actually overdubbed Vicious's bass to a point of being unable to hear it. It's not really a stretch--Steve Jones is credited to play bass on ten of the twelve songs on their only album. And that's it. Sid Vicious, the most famous member of the Sex Pistols, played the original, eventually over-dubbed bass on a forgettable Sex Pistols song. And that is it. I want somebody to justify to me why Gary Oldman didn't play Steve Jones in a movie.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The 10 Greatest Beatles Covers
The Beatles catalog is basically pop and rock music's equivalent to standards--they're songs that everybody knows, that most people like (even if they're played so damn much you get annoyed by them), and that people want to perform a lot to prove their worth as musicians and singers. And these are the ten best Beatles covers of them all.
10. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band--Bill Cosby: This song just sounds like jello pudding. It's a joke, but unlike when William Shatner would ham up Beatles songs, the Cos jokes are, well, funny. This cover is insane--the fact that anyone thought it was a good idea is hilarious; the fact that he actually did it is too ballsy to ignore. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUlv5FCqpeo
9. Day Tripper--Whitesnake: Whitesnake is an interesting band in that nobody really will admit they like them. But I'm man enough to admit the band has some charms in their more blatant attempts to rip off Led Zeppelin. While this clearly isn't ripping off Zeppelin (a Zeppelin cover would probably be more in line with that), it's amusing. It's not as good as the original. Nobody cares. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub8rPHBXd20
8. Magical Mystery Tour--Cheap Trick: Cheap Trick is somewhere between Cosby and Whitesnake in the musical lexicon--they also happen to be a whole hell of a lot better than either. They aren't a comedy act, but they don't have a scowling seriousness of Whitesnake. Bands don't cover Magical Mystery Tour because they have visions of grandeur--they do it because they think it'll be fun and amusing to do both for themselves and fans. Works for me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErGhMwR09r4
7. With a Little Help From My Friends--Joe Cocker: Okay, it's overbearing, pretentious, and Joe Cocker does too many goddamned Beatles covers. What's your point? It takes a Beatles song (scratch that: a RINGO Beatles song) and turns it into an emotional powerhouse. A bit schmaltzy perhaps, but genuinely emotional enough to be worthy of a spot on this list. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCrlyX6XbTU
6. Got to Get You Into My Life--Earth Wind and Fire: The best Beatles album is Revolver, hence the best Beatles covers are songs from Revolver. Here, one of the definitive pop-funk bands, without crazy levels of doctoring, puts a fresh and interesting spin on a Beatles classic. It also seems less about drugs, which is impressive given that, once again, this is a song off Revolver. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL7jUYjAaC4
5. Tomorrow Never Knows--Phil Collins: To me, nothing competes with the original, which might be my favorite song ever, much less my favorite Beatles song. But unlike the extremely dense, musically loaded original; Phil Collins goes the completely opposite direction--a relatively sparse, atmospheric cut from his most sparse, atmospheric album: Face Value. This was before he became a semi-bland balladeer; this sounds like the solo album of a guy who was in Genesis. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycS3mrt9niQ
4. She Said She Said--Black Keys: It doesn't sound one iota like the original. It sounds like a Black Keys original. Sure, the Black Keys aren't the Beatles, but they're still damn good. Hence this cover absolutely works for me, not exclusively as a tribute to the original but as a stand-alone gem. Like most Black Keys songs, this sounds like the best band you've ever heard in a dive bar. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYzYO-SdGY4
3. While My Guitar Gently Weeps--Various: Many great rock and rollers contributed to this impressive live version of George Harrison's classic as the Quiet Beatle was being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Tom Petty. Jeff Lynne. But really, this is Prince's song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifp_SVrlurY
2. Within You Without You--Oasis: Nobody does Beatles covers like Oasis, and they did something really smart with their cover of Within You Without You--they made it sound like Tomorrow Never Knows. It's a blend of the two songs, really, but it's mostly the latter. It's really unique. And it's really interesting. It also gives credence to my argument that Oasis isn't THAT much like the Beatles--in general, they're much heavier and louder. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoNNZlRYX2M
1. We Can Work It Out--Stevie Wonder: Really, this is an easy call. It's a top ten Beatles song for me, and the cover blows the original away. For as good of a vocalist as Paul McCartney is, Stevie Wonder is unparalleled. This is one of those songs that the first time I heard it as a freshman in college, I thought, "What the hell kind of friends do I have that I'm just hearing this now?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB24z00ajU4
10. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band--Bill Cosby: This song just sounds like jello pudding. It's a joke, but unlike when William Shatner would ham up Beatles songs, the Cos jokes are, well, funny. This cover is insane--the fact that anyone thought it was a good idea is hilarious; the fact that he actually did it is too ballsy to ignore. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUlv5FCqpeo
9. Day Tripper--Whitesnake: Whitesnake is an interesting band in that nobody really will admit they like them. But I'm man enough to admit the band has some charms in their more blatant attempts to rip off Led Zeppelin. While this clearly isn't ripping off Zeppelin (a Zeppelin cover would probably be more in line with that), it's amusing. It's not as good as the original. Nobody cares. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub8rPHBXd20
8. Magical Mystery Tour--Cheap Trick: Cheap Trick is somewhere between Cosby and Whitesnake in the musical lexicon--they also happen to be a whole hell of a lot better than either. They aren't a comedy act, but they don't have a scowling seriousness of Whitesnake. Bands don't cover Magical Mystery Tour because they have visions of grandeur--they do it because they think it'll be fun and amusing to do both for themselves and fans. Works for me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErGhMwR09r4
7. With a Little Help From My Friends--Joe Cocker: Okay, it's overbearing, pretentious, and Joe Cocker does too many goddamned Beatles covers. What's your point? It takes a Beatles song (scratch that: a RINGO Beatles song) and turns it into an emotional powerhouse. A bit schmaltzy perhaps, but genuinely emotional enough to be worthy of a spot on this list. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCrlyX6XbTU
6. Got to Get You Into My Life--Earth Wind and Fire: The best Beatles album is Revolver, hence the best Beatles covers are songs from Revolver. Here, one of the definitive pop-funk bands, without crazy levels of doctoring, puts a fresh and interesting spin on a Beatles classic. It also seems less about drugs, which is impressive given that, once again, this is a song off Revolver. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL7jUYjAaC4
5. Tomorrow Never Knows--Phil Collins: To me, nothing competes with the original, which might be my favorite song ever, much less my favorite Beatles song. But unlike the extremely dense, musically loaded original; Phil Collins goes the completely opposite direction--a relatively sparse, atmospheric cut from his most sparse, atmospheric album: Face Value. This was before he became a semi-bland balladeer; this sounds like the solo album of a guy who was in Genesis. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycS3mrt9niQ
4. She Said She Said--Black Keys: It doesn't sound one iota like the original. It sounds like a Black Keys original. Sure, the Black Keys aren't the Beatles, but they're still damn good. Hence this cover absolutely works for me, not exclusively as a tribute to the original but as a stand-alone gem. Like most Black Keys songs, this sounds like the best band you've ever heard in a dive bar. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYzYO-SdGY4
3. While My Guitar Gently Weeps--Various: Many great rock and rollers contributed to this impressive live version of George Harrison's classic as the Quiet Beatle was being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Tom Petty. Jeff Lynne. But really, this is Prince's song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifp_SVrlurY
2. Within You Without You--Oasis: Nobody does Beatles covers like Oasis, and they did something really smart with their cover of Within You Without You--they made it sound like Tomorrow Never Knows. It's a blend of the two songs, really, but it's mostly the latter. It's really unique. And it's really interesting. It also gives credence to my argument that Oasis isn't THAT much like the Beatles--in general, they're much heavier and louder. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoNNZlRYX2M
1. We Can Work It Out--Stevie Wonder: Really, this is an easy call. It's a top ten Beatles song for me, and the cover blows the original away. For as good of a vocalist as Paul McCartney is, Stevie Wonder is unparalleled. This is one of those songs that the first time I heard it as a freshman in college, I thought, "What the hell kind of friends do I have that I'm just hearing this now?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB24z00ajU4
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)