I don't know how many musical acts there are in the world, thus I can't know exactly how many choices would be better than Madonna, this year's pick. It's really a fairly insane choice--get somebody who nobody has liked for at least a decade, who has terrible music, who is well past her "prime", and whose music is the antithesis of the kind of music you know and love in NFL stadiums. But here's ten better choices, in case the NFL wants to get its shit together and actually try to select good acts like it did just a few years ago (I left it to acts who have yet to perform the halftime show, but if the NFL decided to bring back Prince, U2, or Stevie Wonder, this guy isn't going to argue).
10. David Bowie--He may be perceived as too artsy for a halftime show, but he has enough epics ("Heroes" is just about the perfect song for a three-to-four song set at the most popular event on American TV every year) to carry it. He has a very deep catalog with an incredibly diverse group of songs--picking out three songs to play isn't exactly rocket science.
Proposed Set List: Changes, Space Oddity, Fame, Heroes
9. Queen+Paul Rodgers--Now, the second part of this explains why the NFL has probably never pursued Queen. I have absolutely no doubts that if Freddie Mercury were alive, they'd have been offered the slot around the time Prince got it. They're the kings of anthemic stadium rock, and while having Paul Rodgers perform is kind of like, to use a football analogy, replacing Joe Montana, Paul Rodgers is Steve Young. Better yet, Queen could lure Bowie into the show to perform Under Pressure!
Proposed Set List: We Will Rock You, We Are the Champions, Another One Bites the Dust, Under Pressure (with David Bowie--if they can't get Bowie, Bohemian Rhapsody)
8. John Mellencamp--His best chance of performing at the halftime show was probably this year, since it's in his home state of Indiana. But, of course, they went with fucking Madonna instead. And I don't even particularly like Mellencamp, but this was a no-brainer. This is "Getting a better backup for Peyton Manning than Curtis Painter" easy. Mellencamp is basically out of the same all-American vein as previous performers Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen and he makes a lot of anthems. A Mellencamp halftime show has little potential for greatness, but tremendous potential for goodness. It's safe, but at least it's not deplorable.
Proposed Set List: Jack and Diane, R.O.C.K. in the USA, Hurts So Good, Pink Houses
7. The Black Keys--One of the few contemporary rock bands (other than Nickelback, who I excluded because it has already caused a big enough backlash on Thanksgiving) who has produced rock anthems that also turned out to be fairly big hits. Having songs on commercials is the kind of fame that they're generally looking for here. The performance would almost certainly be energetic, if nothing else. It also allows the NFL to look hip (or hipster, depending who you ask).
Proposed Set List: Howlin' for You, Lonely Boy, Tighten Up, Gold on the Ceiling
6. Metallica--Probably too "edgy" for the halftime show, but they probably would have said the same thing about the Rolling Stones in the 1960s. Their songs are omnipresent enough in NFL stadiums to fit the bill. And it's not like they've never played a stadium before.
Proposed Set List: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Fuel, Enter Sandman
5. Foo Fighters--As the most popular American rock band of the last however many years, as well as being extremely energetic, this seems like the logical choice if the NFL really wants to pick a popular, non-decrepit band. They don't, of course, so they'll continue to pander to what the panelists on The View want, but in an ideal world, this halftime show would happen.
Proposed Set List: Learn to Fly, Everlong, Rope, Best Of You
4. Bon Jovi--Let me perfectly clear, I hate Bon Jovi. I absolutely despise everything they stand for. They are not a good band, they have never been a good band, they exist primarily so women and wussy men can pretend to like "heavy metal." If there were any justice in the world, Bon Jovi would have never emerged from New Jersey. But as it stands, it is impossible to deny both that they are popular, they're no worse now than they were in the 1980s (my careful way of saying that, unlike most bands of the era, they didn't drop off completely), and they write songs that are designed to be played at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Proposed Set List: Who Says You Can't Go Home (since this will be the halftime show when the Super Bowl is in the Meadowlands), You Give Love a Bad Name, Livin on a Prayer, Wanted Dead or Alive
3. Led Zeppelin--Okay, so they barely reunited, and this is past tense. A reunited Led Zeppelin, with Jason Bonham on drums, is the single greatest choice in the history of music. If all four Beatles were still alive, Led Zeppelin would be a better choice. And if Zeppelin were to cash in on the huge amount of money they would get for a reunion tour in the states, there would be no better venue to kick it off than the Super Bowl halftime show.
Proposed Set List: Good Times Bad Times, Whole Lotta Love, Black Dog, Rock and Roll
2. Elton John--Elton John appeals to basically everybody that the NFL is trying to appeal to. Elton John's popularity transcends race, gender, and era. He can throw out some ballads to appeal to the middle-of-the-road ladies, some energy for the young'ns, and assuming his voice is back together, it would be one of the better halftime shows of recent memory.
Proposed Set List: Your Song, Rocket Man, Bennie and the Jets, Crocodile Rock
1. AC/DC--This barely qualifies as a suggestion and more of a demand. Actually, it's probably more of a puzzled look. How could the kings of big dumb rock and roll (this is meant as a compliment), who would absolutely do it, not get the invitation to perform the halftime show? Afraid of an Angus Young wardrobe malfunction? AC/DC will appeal to the rocker dudes who complain every year about the halftime act (even when The Motherfucking Who were performing), but it also appeals to basically anyone who has ever been to a wedding reception and thus knows AC/DC's big hits.
Proposed Set List: Thunderstruck, For Those About to Rock, Back in Black, You Shook Me All Night Long
No comments:
Post a Comment