Who To Root for in the NFL Playoffs (If Your Team Isn't There)

Hello, Internetfolks! Right as the MLB playoffs were starting, on a different blog, I wrote a piece where I tried to objectively gauge the eight best teams to root for in the MLB playoffs. Luckily, with the NFL playoffs impending, I can look with even more objectivity since my favorite NFL team is terrible. This also makes me much angrier towards teams that actually are successful. FIGHT!

12. New England Patriots

Pros: I don't hate Tom Brady. A lot of people hate Tom Brady, but I don't. Do I think he's overrated? A little bit, yeah, but that's not really his fault--he just does what he can do (which is usually 'be a successful NFL quarterback') and his acclaim or over-acclaim is the result of media and not himself. Has he gotten absurdly lucky, in life and in football (Mo Lewis should get a specific shoutout in Tom Brady's Hall of Fame speech)? Yes, but what's the guy gonna do, decline his good fortune? He has exploited the breaks he has caught and, while you can call him generic or bland and you would be correct, he really hasn't done much to offend football fans besides win.

Cons: Speaking of Brady...remember that time he left his pregnant girlfriend? Remember that time coach Bill Belichick got caught illegally spying on his opponents and the NFL offices destroyed the evidence after imposing a penalty that cost the team no games? Remember that time their running back was suspended for a season in college for punching an opponent? Remember that time in the off-season when their Pro Bowl tight end got arrested for murder? Remember that time their cornerback got arrested for pretty much everything? There are plenty of reasons to hate the Patriots. Also, Bill Simmons is long overdue to actually remember what sporting suffering actually is.

11. Seattle Seahawks

Pros: Russell Wilson is becoming the definitive example of finding out just how big of a hater you are in the NFL. He's just about the most innocuous, least vile player in the league. Sure, people hate him, but there are also people who root against Tim Tebow. Note: It's perfectly okay to question Russell Wilson's game, just as it's perfectly okay and probably expected that you question Tebow's, but what reason on Earth do you have to specifically root against them? People are weird, man.

Cons: Although lacking the Patriots' volume of detestable players and coaches, they're catching up. Players  and coaches exhibit a lack of regard for basic sportsmanship, basic laws, and basic NCAA rules. Also, while they don't have a super-fan as obnoxious as Bill Simmons, they do have the 12th Man (which they stole from Texas A&M), with its self-declared status as a great football fan base (assuredly, it is mere coincidence that all of this acclaim for their passion came after they hit their most successful period in franchise history).

10. Green Bay Packers

Pros: Their fans.

Cons: Their fans. They come from all over--Illinois, Iowa, pretty much anywhere where lazy sports fans don't want to root for a team loyally and instead want to root for a good team every year. If you're going to be a Packers fan, you better also be a Brewers and Bucks fan. Otherwise, this is the fan equivalent of tax evasion. You are skirting your civic duty. Also, this guy. Damn you, State Farm, for making this kind of douchebaggery normalized. Now people will for eternity call this the Discount Double-Check rather than a cocky idiot getting away with generally unacceptable behavior because he's a white guy in rural Wisconsin.

9. New Orleans Saints

Pros: Drew Brees. Of all of the megastar quarterbacks (I'd have used the word "elite", but since there's somewhere between three and twenty elite quarterbacks, I'll play it safe), Brees is arguably the most likable--he's a personable guy who seems to be universally respected by his teammates, he had to overcome career adversity (he had a stellar college career and yet wasn't considered a major NFL prospect based on height, he was run out of town for very little reason in San Diego), and his charitable nature is second to none.

Cons: How soon we forget.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

Pros: Alex Smith is the Rodney Dangerfield of the NFL. Is he a great quarterback? No. But he got a horribly bad rap for the lack of success of some horribly coached 49ers teams and then, once the team finally turned the corner with Alex Smith, he was benched for Colin Kaepernick. And while some have overstated Alex Smith's impact on the Chefs, he deserves to get something resembling redemption after the unceremonious end to his last season in San Francisco.

Cons: Chiefs fans are the football equivalent to St. Louis Cardinals fans--A ton of self-righteous sanctimony about being the best fans in the sport, an obnoxiously perpetual chip on shoulder about how the team doesn't get enough respect nationally (only Alex Smith gets this right), and the need to participate in a pointless contest for a pointless reward.

7. San Francisco 49ers

Pros: With the possible exception of Aldon Smith, the Niners have a pretty consistently likable cast of players. Colin Kaepernick, though often overrated, seems to have a good head on his shoulders, and is probably the most electrifying player in the playoffs. Frank Gore has been a consistent, grinding running back and Patrick Willis, Navarro Bowman, Justin Smith...what is there to hate about the 49ers personnel?

Cons: This.

6. Philadelphia Eagles

Pros: If the Iggles win the Super Bowl, even if Nick Foles is their quarterback, Michael Vick will win a Super Bowl, which may be the greatest trolljob in history. Vick haters will never give up their pointless endeavor, fostering more vehement hatred for Michael Vick, who killed dogs, than for Aaron Hernandez, who killed people. Also, there could be protests at the Super Bowl. It's not quite the thing I'd be targeting, but it'll be fun regardless.

Cons: The stupid and pointless Riley Cooper redemption story. Now, I'm not necessarily the most hawkish about believing Riley Cooper should have been punished to the fullest extent of the laws for his, um, incident, over the summer (I feel no need to link this--you know the story by now), but let's not pretend that because he has been more successful on the football field, that THIS is the atonement for acting like an asshole.

5. San Diego Chargers

Pros: To troll lazy, sexist/homophobic fans. Also, I enjoy the idea of watching PFT Commenter live-tweeting Danny Woodhead playoff games.

Cons: Mike McCoy is being dangerously overrated for San Diego's success this season. He's doing a good job, but Norv Turner truly was the worst coach in NFL history. And he replaced a guy who got fired after a 14-2 season. The Chargers are a mess.

4. Cincinnati Bengals

Pros: They have a fun, well-rounded team. A.J. Green is, conservatively, a top-five NFL wideout and Giovani Bernard, when actually given opportunities, has shown flashes of brilliance. Also, this is a reward to the Bengals for sticking with Marvin Lewis after some people wanted him fired. A few NFL teams are more patient than others and apparently the Bengals have become one of those patient teams, and they're being properly rewarded for it.

Cons: Watching Andy Dalton play football is occasionally a miserable experience. Also, you will be often scared because he's the most unathletic looking player in the NFL.

3. Carolina Panthers

Pros: Cam Newton haters. I'll admit that I once was one but once the 2011 season happened, I realized that I was an idiot. But there are still people unwilling to admit they were wrong. But Cam's been nothing short of terrific--he has a world-class arm, he seems to have matured considerably from his college days, and he may be the most sustainable running quarterback in the league--he is a battering ram of a running, with a style more similar to Ben Roethlisberger but with far more speed.

Cons: Calling Ron Rivera "Riverboat Ron" may be the least apt coach nickname since "Big Game Bob" was bestowed upon Bob Stoops. Though he DID spawn the dumbest graphic in the history of television.

2. Indianapolis Colts

Pros: The columns that will be written about the Trent Richardson trade if the Colts win a Super Bowl in spite of him (Trent gets 15 carries for 20 yards per game, something like that) and how the Colts were shrewd to trade a first round pick for him will be AWESOME.

Cons: None. #1 is just too perfect.

1. Denver Broncos

Pros: Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback ever. You can argue otherwise and I will respect your wrong opinion, but he is. Yet people will argue for Joe Montana and they will argue for Tom Brady because of total titles and because Peyton Manning "only has one." It doesn't matter that the Colts were 2-14 the year after Peyton got hurt and nothing else changed from that year's playoff team. If he wins the Super Bowl, this is unquestionably the greatest quarterback season ever.

Cons: Skip Bayless has insisted forever that Tom Brady is better than Manning because of the rings. So if Peyton wins, Skip Bayless might look foolish. Can't be having that, folks.

Johnapedia's Top 10 Songs of 2013

Thanks to the magical place known as the internet, everybody in the world is currently compiling lists of the best songs and albums of 2013, and as a member of said institution (INTERNET!), I will commence with my list of the ten best songs of 2013. I simply haven’t listened to enough albums to make an even remotely educated list so I will instead focus on this, at which I’m at least not woefully underprepared.

I self-imposed a few ground rules for the list. First of all, I’m only listing singles—I don’t have the time (well, I might, but I’d rather not admit that to myself) to sift through every album of the year but I have listened to enough radio, sought after enough music on my own, and listened to major singles from end-of-year lists to at least give this a shot. Also, I’m limiting myself strictly singles which had their initial release in 2013—singles released in 2012 from 2013 albums do not count, nor do singles released in 2013, say, in the United States but released earlier elsewhere.

As a final disclaimer, any omitted songs have been omitted because I hate them and if you disagree it’s because you are stupid, not because I merely don’t think it is in the ten best singles of the year. Here it goes!

10. New—Paul McCartney: Sir Paul’s solo career has been ridiculed by music snobs for a couple of generations now for a few reasons. The most obvious is that it doesn’t stack up to his work with The Beatles, which is true. Another is that his songwriting is regarded as lightweight, which is an unfair generalization based mostly on John Lennon’s criticisms of him and not his actual discography. But at this point, with Macca in his seventies, I’m not expecting him to write something as inventive as “Eleanor Rigby” or “Helter Skelter” again, but I do want to enjoy his songs. He’s gotten tepid from time to time, but with “New”, it felt like a classic Beatles tune. It’s not raucous by any means, but knowing that the same man who wrote “Got to Get You Into My Life” wrote this one isn’t a shocker. And, as importantly as his songwriting—the man hasn’t lost a note vocally. Only when expecting a stone cold classic along the lines of “Let it Be” or “Maybe I’m Amazed” would this not be considered a joy.

9. You’re Not The One—Sky Ferreira: It is entirely possible that Sky Ferreira’s lone single (to be fair, she’s 21—give her some time) is in reality more the result of a combination of serendipity and high production values than her own vocal talent, but that’s not really for me to judge. This song features the lethal combination of utterly feminine vocals and a claustrophobic production that, in a year in which David Bowie and Nine Inch Nails each released solid albums, manages to out-Bowie and out-Nine Inch Nails them each. The chorus’s vocals, matched with the instrumentation, borders on haunting.

8. Mind Your Manners—Pearl Jam: I don’t remember at what point I became aware of Pearl Jam’s existence, but at no point from then until this summer did I ever think in a billion years that I would rank a Pearl Jam song among the ten best of anything. Admittedly, I’ve never understood the fascination—all I heard were mumbled vocals and power chords. So when I learned that the new Pearl Jam single was causing division among their notoriously loyal fans, I had to find out what was so different. And instead of hearing a bastardized Springsteen song like I expected, I heard a fast, hardcore punk inspired riff and Eddie Vedder’s mumbling no longer mattering much to me. All of a sudden, this grunge group I never had much time for sounded like they were the friggin Dead Kennedys or something. Had I not already known it was a group of guys closing in on fifty, I’d have been excited for a youthful punk revival. But as it is, I’ll accept this. It was my favorite Pearl Jam song ever after one listen.

7. What Doesn’t Kill You—Jake Bugg: For those of you who do not follow the NME on Twitter, Jake Bugg is a nineteen year-old English wunderkind who has completely won the hearts of the British music press due to his personal charisma and retro-but-not-too-retro musical style. He’s sort of a Justin Bieber for music snobs, which isn’t to say that his music isn’t incredibly accessible; it’s just not what you’d expect from somebody his age. Depending on the song, he echoes Donovan or Bob Dylan or Neil Young, though with this particular song, which lacks the pop bona fides of 2012’s “Lightning Bolt” but has the fire you’d expect from an artist who wants you to notice him, it’s a strange hodgepodge of influences. The riff sounds like Arctic Monkeys (some fans have accused him of strict plagiarism); the vocal sounds a little like Young drunkenly doing an impression of Dylan (this is meant to sound like a relatively good thing though maybe I suck at analogies, I don’t know); and while the chorus doesn’t live up to the liveliness of the verses, it’s hard to not listen and hear that something new and exciting is happening. If I continue to make this list, I suspect Mr. Bugg will be on here for some time.

6. Love Illumination—Franz Ferdinand: The same reasons that will prevent Franz Ferdinand, generally speaking, from topping lists like these are the same reasons that form their appeal and in turn make them a contender to rank somewhere on these lists. They are decidedly not a transcendent band; instead, they have merely churned out a string of fun, danceable singles. Ironically, of course, by being this type of band (Who are the historical parallels anyway? The B-52s? That doesn’t seem right but, I mean, kind of?), they’ve cemented themselves as their own unique entity. And this particular single hits the entire Franz Ferdinand checklist: Processed guitar sound, playful vocal harmonies, and campy lyrics.

5. Colours to Life—Temples: There’s a fine line between transcendence and dullness, and that fine line is what separates a band like U2, whose ballads can teeter on the brink of shallow but are still generally accessible, and a band like Coldplay, whose ballads exhibit similar craftsmanship to U2’s yet also seem cookie-cutter. “Colours to Life” manages to cut the line even closer than U2 while creating a better song than U2 has put out in years by taking a song that fits comfortably in that type of ballad structure while peppering in echoes of great British Indie from years past. Johnny Marr is known to be a big fan of Temples, which have released singles but have yet to release a debut album, and you can hear his influence on the guitar parts of this song. Perhaps, though, the song is most reminiscent of the Stone Roses; Temples, as a whole, seems positioned between the sort of indie rock popularized by The Smiths and psychedelic rock, which is more or less a perfect summation of the Stone Roses. But whereas the Stone Roses haven’t released an album since I was five and I remain skeptical that their alleged reunion album will ever actually happen, Temples seem more than willing to carry the torch.

4. Second Bite of the Apple—Beady Eye: The inherent problem with Beady Eye and with Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, the two spinoff bands of Oasis (a band for whom my undying love and admiration is well-established), is that the three total albums released by the bands are comparatively top-heavy. The last few Oasis albums were easily separated into Noel songs and songs from the eventual lineup of Beady Eye and due to limited space, there was minimal filler, but Beady Eye has so far released two albums with some utterly fantastic songs but also with mediocrity. If you buy into Oasis-as-modern-Beatles (which I don’t, although there’s an entire section of the Wikipedia article The Beatles’ influence of pop culture devoted just to Oasis), then Gem Archer was its George Harrison, quietly writing underrated songs when given the rare opportunity and elevating the guitar play of the band. And in “Second Bite of the Apple”, an Archer composition, the lyrics are minimal and steeped in 1960s neo-psychedelia tradition, relying primarily on Liam Gallagher’s always-stellar vocals and Chris Sharrock’s steady drumming. It works.

3. Black Skinhead—Kanye West: Music critics have spent a decade telling rock fans that they’re missing out on Kanye West by ignoring hip hop but now more than ever, the critics have it backwards. Rock fans shouldn’t listen to Kanye West because he’s producing hip hop that’s so good you won’t care if it’s not really your style—he’s producing what is essentially hard rock music with rapped vocals. It’s closer to Rage Against the Machine than it is any old school hip hop artist. And “Black Skinhead”, and the Yeezus album as a whole (which, if I were opting to make an albums list, would top it in a relative runaway), defies genre—it’s too heavy to be minimalist but too sparse to fit within the confines of what we expect from a rock band. But the drums, processed as they may be, make every word Kanye says feel as intense as he assuredly wants us to feel they are. People scared off of Kanye based on his public persona are missing out. There are at least four or five genres where this is the best song of the year.

2. Get Lucky—Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams: The summer of 2013 was the Summer of Pharrell, with two songs in which he performed and co-wrote owning the airwaves. The bigger hit was Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines”, a solid throwback in the vein of early Prince (I know the analogy du jour is Marvin Gaye but I never quite heard it) which got a lot right but also got a lot wrong (looking at you, T.I.). But the better song was “Get Lucky”, probably the overall best liked song of the year. The song, which unsurprisingly featured Nile Rodgers as guitarist and co-writer, is a disco throwback—straight disco, not disco-rock or post-punk or whatever other qualifiers you wish to add. The rhythm section is steady; the keyboards are optimistic and fun; it’s been at least a decade since a song on pop radio was this overwhelmingly beloved. I was ready to (and probably did) declare this the best song of 2013 the second I heard it. Unfortunately for Daft Punk, and fortunately for the rest of the world, it was somehow topped.

1. Do I Wanna Know?—Arctic Monkeys: There’s a strange double standard in British indie music that led to The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now?” being categorized as a soul song and “Do I Wanna Know?”, which granted is by a rock band, being categorized as a rock song. But make no mistake—this is as much a soul or R&B song as anything. The Arctic Monkeys are probably the most consistently interesting band going right now—aside from Alex Turner’s ultra-British vocal delivery, it would be impossible to know that the band that made indie rockers like “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor” and “Brianstorm” would evolve to make a tight, emotional tattered relationship song like “Do I Wanna Know?” Turner’s aforementioned vocals perfectly articulate the lyrics, which as is typically the case are quite literate for a band that most people associate with a punk spirit. But on this particular song, he may just be overshadowed by his own guitar playing, which is strictly rhythmic here but which overpowers the chorus, creating a soft/loud verse/chorus dynamic as invented by The Pixies and popularized by Nirvana. Additionally, the borderline-whispered backing vocals of Matt Helders and Nick O’Malley. And the guitar riff is one of the year’s best. This was everything you could possibly want in a great song.

Thanks for reading, folks. And, just as a reminder, if you disagree with this list, it is because you are objectively wrong and have an inferior opinion to me.

Audio Johnapedia 30

My Heisman ballot.

1991 Bowl Games for the 2013 Season

A majority of teams who are eligible for bowl games will make bowl games in 2013 because there are so damn many of them. For a long time, though, there were not as many bowl games, and the system was even stupider than it is now. For instance, in 1991, there was a split national championship between the Washington Huskies and the Miami Hurricanes, because in spite of the fact that they were by far the top two games heading into the bowl season, the Huskies were contractually obligated to go to the Rose Bowl and play the champion of the Big Ten. And so the stupidity continued. As much as people rag on the BCS, and much of it is deserved, the BCS allows for us to avoid the impossible stupidity of not allowing Big Ten or Pac 10 (or 12) teams to play in a 1 vs. 2 national title game against a different conference.

But what if we were re-immersed into the stupidity of the pre-BCS bowl system? I decided to take the bowl games of the 1991 season--the penultimate season in which there was no Bowl Alliance (a crappier version of the BCS which nevertheless represented a sizable improvement over the anarchy of 1991 and before) and fill them according to 2013 results. Since conferences have changed considerably, I'm going to go by final BCS rankings of teams as placed in their old conferences (for instance, Texas belonged to the now-defunct Southwest Conference in 1991 and thus will be given consideration to bowls as a Southwest Conference team would have in 1991).

Rose Bowl Game (Big 10 Champion vs. Pac 10 Champion): Michigan State vs. Stanford

Sunkist Fiesta Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Oregon vs. Clemson

USF&G Sugar Bowl (SEC Champion vs. At-Large): Auburn vs. Florida State

FedEx Orange Bowl (Big 8 Champion vs. At-Large): Missouri vs. Alabama

Mobil Cotton Bowl (Southwest Champion vs. At-Large): Baylor vs. Ohio State

John Hancock Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Oklahoma vs. Arizona State

Mazda Gator Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): South Carolina vs. LSU

Liberty Bowl (Commander-in-Chief Trophy winner vs. At-Large): TBD vs. Louisville

Florida Citrus Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Oklahoma State vs. UCF

Peach Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Texas A&M vs. Georgia

Poulan Independence Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Wisconsin vs. USC

Thrifty Car Rental Holiday Bowl (WAC Champion vs. At-Large): BYU vs. UCLA

Hall of Fame Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Northern Illinois vs. Duke

Weiser Lock Copper Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Fresno State vs. Notre Dame

Blockbuster Bowl (At-Large vs. At-Large): Texas vs. Cincinnati

What you will perhaps first notice is the high number of at-large bids. This is because the point of bowl games has always been to cash in. You will also notice that in this year's situation, things work out fine, because it is likely (though not a guarantee, because once again this system was unspeakably stupid), but in many year's past, it would be a disaster. In fact, every 1 vs. 2 between 2004 and 2010 would be impossible even though a vast majority of people agreed that it was a matchup of the two best teams in the country. 

Another couple of notes: BYU was declared WAC Champion because of pure subjectivity. No 1991 WAC teams made the BCS standings. Additionally, I was going off straight rankings (starting with BCS and then going on to poll results), but Notre Dame would probably wind up in a better bowl game than what is now the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl because Notre Dame. Also, there are a few currently in-conference games in here, but none of the games are in-conference according to 1991. WHICH IS THE YEAR THAT IT CURRENTLY IS.

R.I.P. BCS: You may have been stupid and arbitrary but you could have been worse.

An Amateur's Guide to Hating Auburn

Hello, folks! Are you all Mizzou fans? Of course you are! At least you should be this weekend, when the Missouri Tigers play for the SEC Championship against the Auburn Tigers. There are admittedly things to dislike about Mizzou--arrogant fans/alumni despite a lack of relative success, loud bandwagon fans who never even bothered to learn the last name of the first Heisman finalist the school had in half a century (Chase Daniels was beloved in spite of not really existing--there is a Te'o joke here to be had), and several more. But these factors are irrelevant because it is so much easier and more rewarding to hate Auburn. This may be difficult because Auburn beat college football's Evil Empire, the Alabama Crimson Tide, in an all-time classic game just a week ago, but it must be done. So here is your primer on way to hate Auburn.

1. Auburn destroyed their own goodwill regarding Toomer's Corner: Now, for anyone unfamiliar with the story, Alabama resident/Crimson Tide fan/honorary FLORIDA MAN Harvey Updyke became angry at the Auburn Tigers for loudly celebrating their 2010 Iron Bowl victory (the year that Cam Newton did not receive some Heisman votes, for some reason) and so rather than, I don't know, writing a sternly worded letter (Updyke couldn't have possibly had e-mail, at least since AOL stopped putting out free internet discs), he did the next best thing: He poisoned trees. As he first reported to Paul "PAWWWWWWWWL" Finebaum, Updyke used a herbicide called Spike 80DF and that, like, apparently meant the trees in Toomer's Corner, an area of the Auburn campus famous for being teepeed (there are multiple spellings acceptable for this action--if you take umbrage with the way I spelled it, consider what you're worrying about and cry yourself to sleep) after big Auburn wins.

Now, I'm not condoning Updyke's actions. Everything about the story is unabashed idiocy, and God knows I'm not one to root for Alabama. But a simple Google search about the Toomer's Corner poisoning and you will see page after page of moving eulogies, tributes, and other extremely earnest takes on the death of trees. The reality is that the Updyke story became a national fascination not because it was the single most egregious crime one could fathom but because it seemed so damn weird. It came across as a lunatic Alabama stereotype--as I mentioned before, he is an honorary FLORIDA MAN, which is a phrase for relatively petty criminals in Florida. A FLORIDA MAN isn't a mass murderer--it's a guy who gets arrested for public urination in his child's kiddie pool at 8 a.m. while guzzling a Busch Light. It's offbeat and weird and, in a way, harmless feeling. Yet Auburn has turned the death of trees into some sort of national crisis. Calm down.

2. Jay Jacobs is an insane person: First, he chased Tommy Tuberville out as coach, only to replace him with the awful, two-wins-the-previous-season Gene Chizik, who won a national championship in spite of the worst defense in recent memory to win the title because the Cam Newton-Gus Malzahn tandem was THAT lethal. But worst of all, his claim this week that a one-loss SEC team not making the title game would be un-American. Now, I don't care if you agree or disagree that a one-loss SEC team should make it to the title game, but depending on your overall conference loyalties, this guy is either a blowhard who is using absurd analogies that just so happen to side with his team, or he's making the SEC case seem like one of arrogance and bluster rather than reasoning and logic.

3. Alabama sucks: Alabama has too much of a strangehold on national titles, and if Auburn wins tomorrow, they will have a decent chance at winning another one for the state. I observed recently to a friend of mine that every single college football season that we have experienced since meeting has culminated with a team from Alabama winning it all, and this is a "since midway through my time in college" thing. Maybe Mizzou continues the obnoxious ESSEEESEE CONTROLS YOUR COLLEGE FOOTBALL ROLL DAMN TIDE attitude in some ways, but certainly less so than Auburn. Most of the SEC still hates Mizzou, just as their hate of Texas A&M required Johnny Manziel to have the college game of the century in order to win last year's Heisman. The SEC relished in watching Mizzou's struggles last season, disregarding a mammoth series of unfortunate breaks which mirrored the good breaks that Mizzou received in 2013, because they felt that it validated the conference's long-time reputation. And if Auburn beats Mizzou, it will only feed the egos of the hardcores and convince the state of Alabama that whoever wins the Iron Bowl every year should get an automatic berth in the upcoming playoff system. And the loser should get into the playoff if they're bowl eligible. And UAB and Troy should probably just round out of the field as well. *Plays song by band from Jacksonville, FL to reinforce local Alabama pride*

I would have liked a longer list, but frankly I'm tired and must rest up for tomorrow's FOOBAW. Hate on.

Audio Johnapedia 29

College football, as it was and as it will be.

I start off talking about the Iron Bowl and around the fifteen minute mark, I talk about the Texas A&M/Missouri game and how the BCS will and should shake out.

Audio Johnapedia 28

I tackle two of the immortal music debates: Beatles vs. Stones and Hendrix vs. Clapton. Hear why the two conversations are extremely similar.

Audio Johnapedia 27

The Cardinals are going to the World Series. Enjoy it please, Cardinals fans.

Audio Johnapedia 26

The Crazy Weekend in Sports

5:15--The Cardinals two-game lead and the bright future of the Cardinals
18:00--Mizzou's program-defining win over Georgia
24:00--The curious case of the St. Louis Rams and how they may prosper down the line
29:00--My under-educated optimism about the Blues

Today in Horrible People on Twitter--Adrian Peterson Edition

As you may or may not have heard, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson's two year-old son is in critical condition and is, according to several sources, not expected to survive as a result of being brutally beaten, allegedly by his mother's boyfriend. It is a horrific, heart-wrenching story which should make even the coldest among us wince. Due to the horrible tragedy in Peterson's life, there are some doubts as to whether or not he will play Sunday against the Carolina Panthers. Whether he plays or not is up to him and I personally support any decision he makes here. But that hasn't stopped legions of assholes from worrying about a young child's death because of how it impacts their fantasy football teams.

So you mad what happened to Adrian Peterson cuz he's on your fantasy football team -_-
— Jordan. (@PHirstn3rd) October 11, 2013

I feel bad for Adrian Peterson and all but I need him to play this weekend. I take fantasy football to da heart lol
— 223ent (@CVille223) October 11, 2013

Adrian Peterson's son was assaulted by the child's step father. Proving people will go to great lengths in order to win in Fantasy football
— Greg Berman (@bermancomedy) October 11, 2013

Am I a bad person if when I heard about Adrian Peterson's son I wondered how it would impact my fantasy team? @YahooFantasy #perspective
— Tim LoCascio (@G8rtim) October 11, 2013

If Adrian Peterson plays Sunday I envy whoever has them in fantasy.....that man is going to run with no regard for human life
— Lex Luthor (@ImJusBeinHonest) October 11, 2013

Thousands of fantasy football owners just breathed the single most awkward sigh of relief after hearing that Adrian Peterson would play.
— The Levine Machine (@Eitanthegoalie) October 11, 2013

For anyone who doesn't pay much attention to fantasy football, Adrian Peterson was the #1 overall pick in almost every league in the country. Perhaps more than any other player in the world, people who own him in fantasy are not binded by any particular sense of loyalty since his owners were almost entirely assigned by random draft and not a draft. Many of his owners don't even particularly like him--they selected him purely for his value as a commodity.

It shows. 

I stole Drew Magary's Funbag. Here is my plagiarism.

As many of you may be aware, I am a big fan of The Funbag, a weekly (occasionally bi-weekly) feature run on Deadspin. The concept is very simple—columnist Drew Magary answers reader questions. The questions are just kind of—bizarre. As great as Magary’s answers are, there’s at least as much importance on the questions. You’ll see.

I like the idea of doing something similar to this, either via audio or via text, but decided to avoid pressuring Twitter followers (THIS TIME) by answering questions from a random Funbag from a year ago. I included a link to the original below. I decided to skip questions which weren’t actually questions. I also didn’t read the Magary answers until I finished mine. Important note: I’m doing this as an enjoyable exercise for myself. If you enjoy it, that’s just icing on the cake.

I have a 2-year-old that has a bit of a unibrow. Not an Anthony Davis unibrow, but noticeable. Does it make me shallow and superficial to secretly want to get it waxed or use some sort of hair removal product on it?

Not at all. In some ways, you have an obligation to take care of this. Now, people with unibrows are harshly mocked unless they play center in the NBA or co-create Oasis, but that’s the way it is, and children are bastards and will make fun of this child. It would be one thing to succumb to society because of your child’s personality or race or something like that, but a unibrow? The unibrow isn’t exactly part of his (or anyone’s) persona. Especially at two. Go for it.

Is it possible to kick somebody out of your long-standing fantasy football league and still remain friends with them?

Probably not, because if it wouldn’t greatly offend the friend, he or she probably would have voluntarily left the league already. To me, the only reason to get rid of somebody from a fantasy league is if they don’t try—if they purposely troll the draft, if they make ludicrous trades to help somebody else out, etc. And if they’re in that mode, they probably aren’t going to bother to want to be part of the league again. Frankly, there’s no excuse to kicking someone out for reasons that aren’t that, anyway. Oh, so a guy in your league tried to hook up with your ex or your sister or something? RIVALRY WEEK!

Why hasn't ESPN learned how long a college football game takes to broadcast? I don't think I've watched a game in the past three years that hasn't gone at least 40 minutes past its allotted time slot. I'm sick of having to set my DVR to record an hour and half beyond the end of the program to make sure I see everything. Just allow at least 3.5 hours, and if for some reason a random game ends a few minutes earlier, send it back to the d-bags in the studio until the next time slot starts.

It is in ESPN’s best interest to imply that a game will last a short period of time. No matter how much you like a sport or no matter how much you were looking forward to watching a game at the onset, you will be pretty much sick of it by the end. By the same token, investing three hours of a Saturday afternoon in a football game just seems so much more reasonable than investing three and a half to four hours. Also, I don’t think it would really affect this, but the question implies more studio time. So more of Mark May trolling Ohio State fans and Lou Holtz spittling about how Noth-tre Dame is going to beat Stanford by thirty. This is what you want? You deserve this.

You can hook up with any one girl of your choosing. The two catches are that you have to choose the girl from a particular venue and you only have 15 minutes to pick her. What kind of venue do you choose? The Mall of America on a Saturday? Florida football game?

Playboy Mansion is a safe answer because you’re guaranteed to run into various attractive women. The only problem is the women are relatively similar appearance-wise: They’re attractive so it’s not really a problem for most guys, but since you’re only hooking up with one, it doesn’t really matter if there’s a bunch of them around. With MOA or the football game, there will be some attractive women, some every bit as attractive as the bunnies, but there will also be many not-as-attractive women, and you only have fifteen minutes to choose.

The real answer for the venue is the house of (fill in name of attractive woman you want to hook up with). You only get to pick one girl anyway. I just found a loophole to this stupid little hypothetical, which will do me absolutely no good in advancing the cause of making this hypothetical a reality.

I love Five Guys' fries, but let's be honest we all go there for the orgasm inducing burgers. Well, my biggest problem with this surplus of fries is for some Godforsaken reason, they decide to put the burger at the bottom. So naturally I stick my hand in that bag of freshly cooked food digging for that burger, but I always end up getting third degree burns from those little bastard fries. Seriously, fuck that guy who decided, "hey lets put the best part of the meal at the bottom of the bag and see how many morons it takes to figure out how to get it out unscathed." What's the best way to attack this dilemma?

I’d say just eat the fries first but that would be hypocritical of me. I will never eat a single fry before I finish all of the burger(s) or sandwich(es) I am assigned. Your best bet is to take a paper napkin and, if you don’t have a fork or something around, slowly shake the bag and dump the fries out. OR JUST MAN UP AND DEAL WITH THE BURN. IF YOU WANT THE BURGER ENOUGH, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

Would you rather...

A) Be an All-American running back on a National Championship college football team, but never see a down in the NFL?

or

B) Be a rookie starting running back in one season-opening NFL game, play well (maybe 105 yards rushing and a touchdown), and then immediately get injured after the game, never to play again?

Is this a serious question? All-American running back, by far. Far more overall success, higher Q rating, everything is better. You’re more or less asking if I want to be Tommie Frazier or Jahvid Best. The only argument for B, which is that you’d get an NFL paycheck, is flawed. Assuming you didn’t get pre-rookie wage scale first overall money from B, you wouldn’t make THAT much in the NFL if you only played one game. On the other hand, guys with non-factor NFL careers like Eric Crouch and J Leman coast into cushy analyst jobs that they SUCK at because they were All-Americans in college. “You see, Bob, the quarterback here wasn’t able to help his team because rather than throwing it to a receiver downfield or running for positive yardage, he was sacked.” Thanks guys!

Would you rather receive oral sex every day immediately when you wake up, or immediately before you go to bed?

The latter, because your life would be a sad and unproductive mess if you got it immediately after waking up. You’d also pretty much never be unhappy going to bed, whereas there are days where you will hate life in the morning regardless because you have to go to work.

Last week at my bachelor party, 10 guys went out to lunch at a casual restaurant. When I was done stuffing my face, I engaged in my usual routine of "throwing in the towel" - taking my napkin off of my lap and placing it on my plate - in an effort to stop myself from further overeating. Have you ever taken the napkin back off and resumed eating?

No, but I also haven’t put the napkin on the plate. It’s something that a lot of people do, but it’s pretty illogical if you think about it. I’ve worked in food service, bussing plates and whatnot, and if people put their napkins on the plates and they’ve been stacked up, somebody has to filter the napkin out. Which would be okay if it weren’t for knowing that putting the napkin on the plate in the beginning was inconvenient for you, too. For future reference, just put your napkin somewhere to the side of your plate. It’s just easier for everybody.

If you had to chose one calendar month to stay sober, what month would be the easiest?

The correct theoretical answer is February because it’s the shortest month but it’s also the most boring month. Hell, the one highlight of the month from a sports perspective—the Super Bowl—is marked by drinking. And what are you going to do, watch the NBA All-Star Game clean and sober rather than drinking? I don’t even like drinking all that much—not as an activity in and of itself, at least—but February blows. I’m going to say April—there are no interesting beers you’ll want to explore (picking October means limiting intake of Pumpkin Ales or Oktoberfests, if that’s your thing) and the weather is decent enough that you can do things without drinking. I’m sure somebody will disagree and say that you need beer available for baseball season, which I think is your elaborate way of admitting that you don’t like baseball.

When was the last time a president got shitfaced?

It probably depends how you define “shitfaced”. Legally drunk, I’d say it happened under Obama. Not to a point of being dangerous or out of control, but while on vacation or something, having a few too many of the White House microbrew (This actually exists—look it up). George W. Bush says he hasn’t had a drink since the eighties—that may well not be true, but I highly doubt that he ever had more than, like, a glass of wine or something. Clinton though? If a president has gotten shitfaced before, it was Clinton. First term. You seen that picture of him on SI in the Razorbacks jacket? That guy partied.

My boy jerks it in the sink. Swears by it. Is that okay?

No. That’s horrifying. Also, this sentence implies your boy is relatively young and probably still lives with you. Put an end to that shit. There are so many alternatives, all of which are better than this. Let him jerk it in his own sink someday.

At any given moment, how many books in a college library have secret messages slipped into the pages? I'm just wondering how many books I'd have to randomly open to find the hidden treasure/track down a spy/discover a lost work of Shakespeare.

Secret messages that lead somewhere? Not many. The concept of buried treasure is an insane one. Why would you bury treasure? Isn’t that something you would like to have? Things humans actually bury primarily consist of dead bodies because we don’t really want those hanging around on terra firma. Extravagant riches don’t count in there.

If we’re talking messages in general, the answer is all of them. Scribblings about how girls of a given sorority are whores, homophobic slurs about fraternities, shit like that. I checked out a copy of The Godfather (the novel, not the movie) and in that book there were references to a Greek-letter organization that, at the time I attended school, did not exist on campus. Fratboys are morons.

UPS just buzzed my apartment and I was taking a shit. It was the worst experience of my life.

UPS usually comes during the middle of the day. A very high number of people the UPS guy will request won’t be there—they’ll be at work, at school, or possibly running errands. You have no obligation to be ready for him. Fret not.

Do you think the Obamas have tried anal? No way Lady Bird Johnson let Lyndon go five-hole on her.

I’ll say no, though this is with absolutely no particular logic behind it. But Lyndon Johnson is a freak. He also might have killed Kennedy. LBJ is so much worse in terms of general humanity than JFK but doesn’t get nearly the attention. Oh, Kennedy may have nailed Marilyn Monroe? Lyndon B. Johnson nailed EVERYTHING THAT MOVED.

In 30 years when all of the baby boomers are dead, will antiquated ice cream flavors like maple walnut, butter pecan, and heavenly hash cease to exist?

No, because they will resurrect. Everything from the past that should have died a dishonorable death comes back because RETRO. The whole reason for Michael Buble’s career existing is because of humanity’s undying desire for baritones with kind of limited vocal range to do carbon copies of old songs. People called him a Sinatra ripoff, which is misleading, because Sinatra was doing a bunch of songs other people had done too. Journey was a terrible band for decades and it looked for a while that they were going to be forgotten but NOPE. People a few years older than I am decided to start having an affinity for Don’t Stop Believin, even though it sucks, simply because it was older. And this will happen with crappy ice cream flavors too. Asshole millennials won’t want to listen to the Black Keys and get DQ because it isn’t spectacular or unique enough. It may not be great, but it’s serviceable, damn it! Instead, they’ll sip pumpkin spice lattes while listening to terrible old music and eating old people food.

NFL QBs are supposed to be great leaders, right? Assuming they all had equal intellect and business acumen, based solely on leadership traits, which NFL QB would you pick to be your boss in an office? Assuming equal positions on the issues, which would you pick to be the President of the United States?

TEEEEEEEBOW! Actually, Tebow is an annoyingly good pick for this because he represents all of the things we’re annoyed at presidents for being—bland, inoffensive, all too chipper. Peyton Manning would be a popular pick but I don’t really know what he does that translates beyond the football field. I’m going to go with Matthew Stafford because, as a Bill Clinton fan, I see a lot of him in Stafford. Both have easygoing, self-effacing attitudes and could probably get any girl in the world in spite of not really being all that good looking. That’s what you need as president. A charmer.

To be clear, for all practical matters I wouldn’t pick any of these guys. The idea of a celebrity president comes up a lot because of Reagan, but Reagan was a politician for as long as most presidents. It’s not like by 1980, people mostly associated Ronnie with his acting career.

What single food item would kill you the fastest if you ate it and only it with water to drink three meals a day? I say Sour Patch Kids.

I assume this has to be an actual food and not just, like, straight lard or laxatives or something. Sour Patch Kids aren’t a bad answer but the fat content is negligible. They’re still horrible for you because of the sugar content, but a stuffed jelly donut has the same level of sugar concentrations while also proving no vitamins and a ton of fat. I’ll go jelly donuts.

NOTE: This only applies if you’re like most Americans and kinda overweight anyway. If you’re underweight, the answer goes the opposite direction. It would be something that is crazily low calorie. I’m fat though and don’t know what this would be.

what are the odds that the average American adult has eaten part of a dog or cat without their knowledge in their lifetime?

I can’t really assign a numeric value but the odds are decent. Every once in a while, I’ll find myself in a social situation (usually with family) where there is some kind of mystery meat there. I could ask somebody what it is but 1. They probably don’t know either; 2. Some things are better left unknown. This isn’t even counting sketchy, unregulated foods (especially if abroad). Frankly, the idea that I’ve had dog or cat doesn’t really bother me. Like, I would never kill a dog or cat for eating but if it’s dead already, I’m not all that offended. This rule applies to pretty much all animals, too. Maybe I’ll put in my will that I want people to taste me after I die just to see if I taste good. This is actually an elaborate prank because I know that with my diet, I could not possibly taste good at all.

Is there any better feeling than unexpectedly getting to leave work early? My apartment always looks so much brighter when I get home a few hours early. What's the best way to use this extra time? I like to turn it into an extended jack-session followed by a second lunch.

Leaving work early is okay but it can be kind of unfulfilling. Unless you get to leave early during March Madness or something, there’s probably not much to do. You get home and you can, like, turn on Around the Horn or whatever stupid show ESPN has going at the moment but…basically, I usually end up kind of waiting until 5:30 or so before I want to do anything. In order for me to fully appreciate it, I better get off before noon.

Instead, I prefer the alternative scenario of being in an office, like, the Friday before Labor Day when basically everybody leaves and you get to just kind of sit around and kill time. On New Years Eve last year, people at my work were allowed to leave early if they wanted but without pay. I elected, along with maybe 15% of people who bothered to show up (so like 5% of actual capacity), to stay. I openly GameTracked the Sun Bowl on my phone. I swore at will. It was glorious and it felt rebellious. Had I gone home, it would have felt like Sundays when it isn’t football season. Sundays not during football season are horrible.

What is the best way to shave my pubes at college while living in the dorms? Should I sneak into the bathroom late at night (shared with half the floor)? Should I wait until my roommate leaves and lay down a towel?

Well, the best way is to just, like, not. But the latter, if you have to choose between the two. If a roommate leaves, you can probably know reasonably speaking how long he will be gone. Maybe he has a class or he’s part of an organization and you can assure yourself at least an hour to do what you want to do. The problem with sneaking into the bathroom, no matter how late, is that the people you run into, while rarer, are the worst. “HEY BRAH YOU SHOULD GET A SLAMPIECE FOR THAT BRAH.” This guy will be drunk and possibly accompanied with another bro (frat guys travel to the bathroom in a stereotypically female way, or at least they did in my freshman dorm).

Have you ever gotten someone's work voicemail and it begins "Listen carefully to the following message...?"

In that moment, I'm fully prepared for the next part of the message to be something along the lines of: "...I don't have much time; they're onto me. I've uncovered proof that THE CHINESE ARE PLANNING A FULL SCALE INVASION. They expect to launch the first missiles in less than 48 hours. If you're hearing this, you are America's only hope. In my office, I've hid the intel on a flash drive; you must get it to Col. Hal McAllister (played by Louis Gossett Jr.) at Fort Eagle as soon as possible. He is the only person I trust, and he's the only person you should trust. The flash drive is hidden in—-*door bursts open*...*loud orders barked out in Mandarin*...*multiple gunshots*...*end of message*"

Of course, the actual following message is some asshole telling you they're going to be in Cabo for the next two weeks and to forward all messages to their fat fucking secretary.

They just wanted to humblebrag a vacation to Cabo, which is dumb, because unless you’re Sammy Hagar, who the fuck is excited to go to Cabo?

http://deadspin.com/5950269/should-you-shave-your-childs-unibrow

Audio Johnapedia 25

For the first ten or so minutes, I talk about problems with the Rams organization. For the remaining time, I talk about problems with the Rams player personnel and coaches.

Every Starting Quarterback in the NFL Sucks

As a fan of an NFL team for whom one of its best players is its quarterback and yet fans still insist the quarterback is bad, I find the standard by which fans compare a team's most visible player to be obnoxious. My favorite team's quarterback has played three seasons--two in which he played every game and they went 7-9 and 7-8-1, and one in which he was oft-injured and they went 2-14. But SAM BRADFORD SUCKS GUYS. Luckily, every quarterback in the NFL sucks according to Twitter!

AFC East

I still want the Dolphins to draft @JManziel2 #toomobile #unfair #sleeper #tannehillsucks
— Official Cj Chatham (@CjChatham) September 15, 2013

Might as well give Mallett some reps here. Not like Brady is lighting it up or anything. Pathetic
— madraslover (@madraslover) September 13, 2013

EJ Manuel still sucks 💉
— J salsa (@Jerry24Hutch) September 15, 2013

Idzik boutta bench Geno Smith from the skybox next week 😭😭😭😭
— Meyer Lansky (@Steve_gunsss) September 15, 2013

AFC North

Andy dalton sucks #Ginger
— Braden Hanlon (@braden03) September 17, 2013

Roethlisberger sucks those rings are flukes or definitely purely only cuz of defense #Steelers #NFL #Rapethlisberger
— B$ (@AK_BMONEY) September 17, 2013

Things Joe Flacco has in common with his newborn: Neither has ever made the Pro Bowl. #Ravens #overpaid
— Dylan Tomlinson (@Dylan1226) September 15, 2013

Donovan Mcnabb & Tim Tebow are Free Agents and Brandon Weeden is our starting quarterback. Lol I don't care if Mcnabb is old and Tebow sucks
— Calvin Sauder (@Cal_Dean_41287) September 16, 2013

AFC South

I'm sorry, but Matt Schaub sucks, yo. They need to let TJ Yates start.
— Kae. (@itsKaeBRO) September 15, 2013

ANDREW LUCK SUCKS LIKE HONESTLY.. #needabetterqb
— HeatFan561 (@Mcnabb_ryan) September 15, 2013

Not if the Jags bring in god &Tebow! RT@PTI: does Peyton Manning have more TD passes thru 2 games (9) than the Jaguars will throw all year?
— larry vance (@Larryland99) September 17, 2013

Jake Locker is not a consistant NFL qb. Our defense was as good as gold most of the time. Locker sucks.
— JMJanks (@JMJanks) September 15, 2013

AFC West

Fact: Peyton Manning has been in the easiest division his entire career. Overrated??
— Travis A. Miller (@Travisty08) September 17, 2013

Philip Rivers sucks i dont give a flying fuck if he threw for over 400 yards look at the throws he made. No control.
— Ryan (@LastNameIsDREDD) September 17, 2013

Alex Smith fucking sucks…
— D (@DT905) September 16, 2013

@RobB248 terrell pryor sucks dick
— malloy (@malloy609) September 15, 2013

NFC East

Tony Romo is a fucking homo
— Josh Lenartowicz (@BurrNardo16) September 16, 2013

Put cousins in the game , RG3 fucking sucks
— Jeff Benedetto (@jbenedetto17) September 15, 2013

Eli Manning sucks, really always has
— VincethaPrince (@Vinni_Vicci) September 16, 2013

My god, why do people still defend Michael Vick? Enough of it. He sucks. He has 11 years in the NFL. He's incapable of winning.
— James (@halladaysbiceps) September 15, 2013

NFC North

aaron rodgers is so overrated like matt flynn was so much better in that one game he played
— Ryan Hennessey (@hennesseyr14) September 15, 2013

(Note regarding Aaron Rodgers: It was virtually impossible to find negative tweets about Aaron Rodgers, even harder than it was to find them for Peyton Manning, but there were MANY tweets lambasting the "people" who had been saying he was overrated. Perhaps he is the Matt Holliday of the NFL?)

No offense but stafford sucks lol
— Nino™ (@Yung_NinoB) September 17, 2013

Jay Cutler still sucks
— Andy Blank (@xBlankers) September 15, 2013

I think I would rather watch Joe Webb every week #PonderSucks
— Brady™ (@LBrady17) September 15, 2013

NFC South

Drew Brees sucks ass
— Evan (@SuperSayianEvan) September 16, 2013

Josh freeman sucks
— SanTanA (@SantanasWorld) September 16, 2013

Matt Ryan sucks!
— Dominic Jaranilla (@Dom_Jaranilla) September 15, 2013

Cam newton shouldnt have any commercials. He sucks. D coordinators have figured him out and hes a bust.
— Matthew Patrick (@Matt_Patrick5) September 17, 2013

NFC West

I wonder why the 49ers don't put Alex smith in kaepernick sucks!!!
— Jayce Haywood (@_Jayceeepoo) September 16, 2013

Russell Wilson sucks ass. He can't throw the ball.
— Austin Richardson™ (@austin_winsss) September 16, 2013

This just in: CARSON PALMER STILL SUCKS. #NFLNews
— Vee Wells (@VeeWells) September 15, 2013

Sam Bradford sucks! Time to release him! #goaway
— Cory Landon (@cmlandon1) September 15, 2013

I'm amazed that with every single starter at the league's most glamorous position sucking that the NFL has become as big of a league as it has. But looking at Twitter, it's definitely the case. BRB, gotta take a nice cold shower to recover from extended exposure to HOT SPORTS TAKES.