Saturday, July 7, 2012

Seven Essential Rules of Fuck, Marry, Kill


DISCLAIMER: This blog post is purely for entertainment purposes.  Johnapedia endorses neither the actual killing of people nor threatening to do so.
Playing a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill is kind of like running a classic rock radio station—on paper, it’s really not very difficult to do pretty well, yet many fail.  And largely, it’s due to the same mistakes.  Just as many mediocre classic rock stations fall into the traps of overplaying mediocre arena rock bands like Aerosmith or Boston, playing horrid arena rock bands like Journey or Styx, and ignoring bands like bands that didn’t play many arena shows, many ignore a few basic tenants which can make Fuck/Marry/Kill a treasured pastime.
Now, first, for those unfamiliar with the game completely, let me explain.  First, actually, let me explain to those of you who don’t know me in real life—I *love* this game, which may henceforth be abbreviated as FMK.  To me, playing FMK (when done PROPERLY) is one of the finest things a man (or woman) can do.  But it must be done well.
The game’s structure could really not be much simpler.  What happens is a person will provide another person with three names, either with names of celebrities or people who the person knows, and the receiving person must decide, hypothetically, which of the three he/she will choose to engage in holy matrimony with, which he/she will choose to engage in sexual activities with, and which he/she will end the life of.  It’s not a “game” in the sense that there are winners and losers—it’s really just an exercise in fun, relaxedness, and mental flexibility.  Yet people screw up this very simple game in very simple ways.  So here are seven ground rules, not only for legitimizing gameplay but also as general elements of strategy.
1.      Pick people all participants know personally, whenever possible—For maximum fun, pick people you know.  Why?  Because it’s more fun, duh.  The point is, if you give me Katy Perry/Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie, who the hell honestly cares what I pick?  They’re all generally considered hot but I don’t know any of them personally—I have no good reason to suspect any would be good as a wife or murder victim.  And, say, I fuck Perry/marry Jolie/kill Fox—what are you going to do about it?  Obviously you can’t tell a person the results if they’re in the trio supplied (I won’t even qualify that with a rule it’s so obvious) but under what circumstances could I feel sincere shame in picking any of the three for any of the three options?  It’s just not fun.
2.      Avoid actual significant others—I don’t say this because it’s inappropriate, I say this because you know EXACTLY which way the person is going.  The actual significant other will be married 98% of the time, fucked 2% of the time, and never killed.  Where’s the fun in that?  Hell, I’ve never played FMK with a married person, but I can’t imagine any circumstance under which the game works if the spouse is involved.  “Gee, you’d marry her?  Seems pretty far-fetched there.”
3.      IT’S A GAME—Often, a person who is present will be included in the trio.  If you’re included in the trio, please don’t concern yourself with how the other person picks.  So what if your friend decides they want to kill you?  They aren’t actually doing it.  Recreational purposes only.  However, this should be a fairly rare circumstance.  It actually leads into my fourth point.
4.      Don’t Neglect the Kill Option—It seems that most players basically go in order of F, then M, then K.  A person picks the hottest one, and then of the remaining two picks the most marriage-worthy, and then the other one is killed.  But why?  I’ll give you a situation once posed to me, names completely retracted in case somebody reading this knows all three of these people (which is highly unlikely because it implies anyone reads this blog): I was given Girl A, Girl B, and Girl C.  Girl C is the hottest of the group but also is by far the worst person.  Girl B is fairly attractive and a wonderful person.  Girl A is also fairly attractive and a mediocre person—not somebody I despise but not somebody I particularly like either.  Girl C, under conventional wisdom, gets fucked.  But why?  Can I really pass up the opportunity to kill this person?  The answer, of course, is no.  So I considered all options and went with killing Girl C, marrying Girl B, and fucking Girl A.
5.      Marriage Cannot Factor in Sex—This is an absolute must.  In fact, when considering the Marry option, basically treat it as “Be Besties With”.  Because that’s what this is.  I recognize that if you’re marrying a person in real life it means you’re probably going to be intimate with them more than the once that the F option gives in this game.  But for simplicity’s sake, we cannot have options overlapping here.  So assume a friendship.  Actually, better yet, assume a totally abstinent marriage.  Consider who you’d like as the parent of your child but assume that this child is adopted or from a previous relationship.  Regardless, just as you shouldn’t just choose the hottest person you can for a spouse, you shouldn’t just choose the hottest person for the marry option on here unless they’re also your best option for a life partner.
6.      Marriage CAN Factor in Things Other Than How You Get Along With A Person—Namely, money.  Money is hard to resist in this game—unless one of the other options is your actual significant other (which, as has been established, it shouldn’t be), how do you resist the billionaire option?  If you give me a trio in which it is two fairly attractive, fairly likable women and a billionaire CEO with whom I have no specific moral objection, I’m going with the CEO.  Shallow?  Yes.  But this is also hypothetical.  And also a blog post about strategy of playing Fuck Marry Kill—hopefully your expectations weren’t too high for the level of class that would be exuded here.
7.      There’s Factors for Fuck Besides Hotness!—Such as venereal diseases.  You gotta think things out here.  One thing which should not be a factor is legality.  Because nobody under the legal age should ever, under ANY circumstances, be used.  I shouldn’t have to tell you people that, though.