Hello, Internetfolks! Right as the MLB playoffs were starting, on a different blog, I wrote a piece where I tried to objectively gauge the eight best teams to root for in the MLB playoffs. Luckily, with the NFL playoffs impending, I can look with even more objectivity since my favorite NFL team is terrible. This also makes me much angrier towards teams that actually are successful. FIGHT!
12. New England Patriots
Pros: I don't hate Tom Brady. A lot of people hate Tom Brady, but I don't. Do I think he's overrated? A little bit, yeah, but that's not really his fault--he just does what he can do (which is usually 'be a successful NFL quarterback') and his acclaim or over-acclaim is the result of media and not himself. Has he gotten absurdly lucky, in life and in football (Mo Lewis should get a specific shoutout in Tom Brady's Hall of Fame speech)? Yes, but what's the guy gonna do, decline his good fortune? He has exploited the breaks he has caught and, while you can call him generic or bland and you would be correct, he really hasn't done much to offend football fans besides win.
Cons: Speaking of Brady...remember that time he left his pregnant girlfriend? Remember that time coach Bill Belichick got caught illegally spying on his opponents and the NFL offices destroyed the evidence after imposing a penalty that cost the team no games? Remember that time their running back was suspended for a season in college for punching an opponent? Remember that time in the off-season when their Pro Bowl tight end got arrested for murder? Remember that time their cornerback got arrested for pretty much everything? There are plenty of reasons to hate the Patriots. Also, Bill Simmons is long overdue to actually remember what sporting suffering actually is.
11. Seattle Seahawks
Pros: Russell Wilson is becoming the definitive example of finding out just how big of a hater you are in the NFL. He's just about the most innocuous, least vile player in the league. Sure, people hate him, but there are also people who root against Tim Tebow. Note: It's perfectly okay to question Russell Wilson's game, just as it's perfectly okay and probably expected that you question Tebow's, but what reason on Earth do you have to specifically root against them? People are weird, man.
Cons: Although lacking the Patriots' volume of detestable players and coaches, they're catching up. Players and coaches exhibit a lack of regard for basic sportsmanship, basic laws, and basic NCAA rules. Also, while they don't have a super-fan as obnoxious as Bill Simmons, they do have the 12th Man (which they stole from Texas A&M), with its self-declared status as a great football fan base (assuredly, it is mere coincidence that all of this acclaim for their passion came after they hit their most successful period in franchise history).
10. Green Bay Packers
Pros: Their fans.
Cons: Their fans. They come from all over--Illinois, Iowa, pretty much anywhere where lazy sports fans don't want to root for a team loyally and instead want to root for a good team every year. If you're going to be a Packers fan, you better also be a Brewers and Bucks fan. Otherwise, this is the fan equivalent of tax evasion. You are skirting your civic duty. Also, this guy. Damn you, State Farm, for making this kind of douchebaggery normalized. Now people will for eternity call this the Discount Double-Check rather than a cocky idiot getting away with generally unacceptable behavior because he's a white guy in rural Wisconsin.
9. New Orleans Saints
Pros: Drew Brees. Of all of the megastar quarterbacks (I'd have used the word "elite", but since there's somewhere between three and twenty elite quarterbacks, I'll play it safe), Brees is arguably the most likable--he's a personable guy who seems to be universally respected by his teammates, he had to overcome career adversity (he had a stellar college career and yet wasn't considered a major NFL prospect based on height, he was run out of town for very little reason in San Diego), and his charitable nature is second to none.
Cons: How soon we forget.
8. Kansas City Chiefs
Pros: Alex Smith is the Rodney Dangerfield of the NFL. Is he a great quarterback? No. But he got a horribly bad rap for the lack of success of some horribly coached 49ers teams and then, once the team finally turned the corner with Alex Smith, he was benched for Colin Kaepernick. And while some have overstated Alex Smith's impact on the Chefs, he deserves to get something resembling redemption after the unceremonious end to his last season in San Francisco.
Cons: Chiefs fans are the football equivalent to St. Louis Cardinals fans--A ton of self-righteous sanctimony about being the best fans in the sport, an obnoxiously perpetual chip on shoulder about how the team doesn't get enough respect nationally (only Alex Smith gets this right), and the need to participate in a pointless contest for a pointless reward.
7. San Francisco 49ers
Pros: With the possible exception of Aldon Smith, the Niners have a pretty consistently likable cast of players. Colin Kaepernick, though often overrated, seems to have a good head on his shoulders, and is probably the most electrifying player in the playoffs. Frank Gore has been a consistent, grinding running back and Patrick Willis, Navarro Bowman, Justin Smith...what is there to hate about the 49ers personnel?
Cons: This.
6. Philadelphia Eagles
Pros: If the Iggles win the Super Bowl, even if Nick Foles is their quarterback, Michael Vick will win a Super Bowl, which may be the greatest trolljob in history. Vick haters will never give up their pointless endeavor, fostering more vehement hatred for Michael Vick, who killed dogs, than for Aaron Hernandez, who killed people. Also, there could be protests at the Super Bowl. It's not quite the thing I'd be targeting, but it'll be fun regardless.
Cons: The stupid and pointless Riley Cooper redemption story. Now, I'm not necessarily the most hawkish about believing Riley Cooper should have been punished to the fullest extent of the laws for his, um, incident, over the summer (I feel no need to link this--you know the story by now), but let's not pretend that because he has been more successful on the football field, that THIS is the atonement for acting like an asshole.
5. San Diego Chargers
Pros: To troll lazy, sexist/homophobic fans. Also, I enjoy the idea of watching PFT Commenter live-tweeting Danny Woodhead playoff games.
Cons: Mike McCoy is being dangerously overrated for San Diego's success this season. He's doing a good job, but Norv Turner truly was the worst coach in NFL history. And he replaced a guy who got fired after a 14-2 season. The Chargers are a mess.
4. Cincinnati Bengals
Pros: They have a fun, well-rounded team. A.J. Green is, conservatively, a top-five NFL wideout and Giovani Bernard, when actually given opportunities, has shown flashes of brilliance. Also, this is a reward to the Bengals for sticking with Marvin Lewis after some people wanted him fired. A few NFL teams are more patient than others and apparently the Bengals have become one of those patient teams, and they're being properly rewarded for it.
Cons: Watching Andy Dalton play football is occasionally a miserable experience. Also, you will be often scared because he's the most unathletic looking player in the NFL.
3. Carolina Panthers
Pros: Cam Newton haters. I'll admit that I once was one but once the 2011 season happened, I realized that I was an idiot. But there are still people unwilling to admit they were wrong. But Cam's been nothing short of terrific--he has a world-class arm, he seems to have matured considerably from his college days, and he may be the most sustainable running quarterback in the league--he is a battering ram of a running, with a style more similar to Ben Roethlisberger but with far more speed.
Cons: Calling Ron Rivera "Riverboat Ron" may be the least apt coach nickname since "Big Game Bob" was bestowed upon Bob Stoops. Though he DID spawn the dumbest graphic in the history of television.
2. Indianapolis Colts
Pros: The columns that will be written about the Trent Richardson trade if the Colts win a Super Bowl in spite of him (Trent gets 15 carries for 20 yards per game, something like that) and how the Colts were shrewd to trade a first round pick for him will be AWESOME.
Cons: None. #1 is just too perfect.
1. Denver Broncos
Pros: Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback ever. You can argue otherwise and I will respect your wrong opinion, but he is. Yet people will argue for Joe Montana and they will argue for Tom Brady because of total titles and because Peyton Manning "only has one." It doesn't matter that the Colts were 2-14 the year after Peyton got hurt and nothing else changed from that year's playoff team. If he wins the Super Bowl, this is unquestionably the greatest quarterback season ever.
Cons: Skip Bayless has insisted forever that Tom Brady is better than Manning because of the rings. So if Peyton wins, Skip Bayless might look foolish. Can't be having that, folks.
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