Johnapedia: October 2013

As many of you may be aware, I am a big fan of The Funbag, a weekly (occasionally bi-weekly) feature run on Deadspin. The concept is very simple—columnist Drew Magary answers reader questions. The questions are just kind of—bizarre. As great as Magary’s answers are, there’s at least as much importance on the questions. You’ll see.

I like the idea of doing something similar to this, either via audio or via text, but decided to avoid pressuring Twitter followers (THIS TIME) by answering questions from a random Funbag from a year ago. I included a link to the original below. I decided to skip questions which weren’t actually questions. I also didn’t read the Magary answers until I finished mine. Important note: I’m doing this as an enjoyable exercise for myself. If you enjoy it, that’s just icing on the cake.

I have a 2-year-old that has a bit of a unibrow. Not an Anthony Davis unibrow, but noticeable. Does it make me shallow and superficial to secretly want to get it waxed or use some sort of hair removal product on it?

Not at all. In some ways, you have an obligation to take care of this. Now, people with unibrows are harshly mocked unless they play center in the NBA or co-create Oasis, but that’s the way it is, and children are bastards and will make fun of this child. It would be one thing to succumb to society because of your child’s personality or race or something like that, but a unibrow? The unibrow isn’t exactly part of his (or anyone’s) persona. Especially at two. Go for it.

Is it possible to kick somebody out of your long-standing fantasy football league and still remain friends with them?

Probably not, because if it wouldn’t greatly offend the friend, he or she probably would have voluntarily left the league already. To me, the only reason to get rid of somebody from a fantasy league is if they don’t try—if they purposely troll the draft, if they make ludicrous trades to help somebody else out, etc. And if they’re in that mode, they probably aren’t going to bother to want to be part of the league again. Frankly, there’s no excuse to kicking someone out for reasons that aren’t that, anyway. Oh, so a guy in your league tried to hook up with your ex or your sister or something? RIVALRY WEEK!

Why hasn't ESPN learned how long a college football game takes to broadcast? I don't think I've watched a game in the past three years that hasn't gone at least 40 minutes past its allotted time slot. I'm sick of having to set my DVR to record an hour and half beyond the end of the program to make sure I see everything. Just allow at least 3.5 hours, and if for some reason a random game ends a few minutes earlier, send it back to the d-bags in the studio until the next time slot starts.

It is in ESPN’s best interest to imply that a game will last a short period of time. No matter how much you like a sport or no matter how much you were looking forward to watching a game at the onset, you will be pretty much sick of it by the end. By the same token, investing three hours of a Saturday afternoon in a football game just seems so much more reasonable than investing three and a half to four hours. Also, I don’t think it would really affect this, but the question implies more studio time. So more of Mark May trolling Ohio State fans and Lou Holtz spittling about how Noth-tre Dame is going to beat Stanford by thirty. This is what you want? You deserve this.

You can hook up with any one girl of your choosing. The two catches are that you have to choose the girl from a particular venue and you only have 15 minutes to pick her. What kind of venue do you choose? The Mall of America on a Saturday? Florida football game?

Playboy Mansion is a safe answer because you’re guaranteed to run into various attractive women. The only problem is the women are relatively similar appearance-wise: They’re attractive so it’s not really a problem for most guys, but since you’re only hooking up with one, it doesn’t really matter if there’s a bunch of them around. With MOA or the football game, there will be some attractive women, some every bit as attractive as the bunnies, but there will also be many not-as-attractive women, and you only have fifteen minutes to choose.

The real answer for the venue is the house of (fill in name of attractive woman you want to hook up with). You only get to pick one girl anyway. I just found a loophole to this stupid little hypothetical, which will do me absolutely no good in advancing the cause of making this hypothetical a reality.

I love Five Guys' fries, but let's be honest we all go there for the orgasm inducing burgers. Well, my biggest problem with this surplus of fries is for some Godforsaken reason, they decide to put the burger at the bottom. So naturally I stick my hand in that bag of freshly cooked food digging for that burger, but I always end up getting third degree burns from those little bastard fries. Seriously, fuck that guy who decided, "hey lets put the best part of the meal at the bottom of the bag and see how many morons it takes to figure out how to get it out unscathed." What's the best way to attack this dilemma?

I’d say just eat the fries first but that would be hypocritical of me. I will never eat a single fry before I finish all of the burger(s) or sandwich(es) I am assigned. Your best bet is to take a paper napkin and, if you don’t have a fork or something around, slowly shake the bag and dump the fries out. OR JUST MAN UP AND DEAL WITH THE BURN. IF YOU WANT THE BURGER ENOUGH, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

Would you rather...

A) Be an All-American running back on a National Championship college football team, but never see a down in the NFL?

B) Be a rookie starting running back in one season-opening NFL game, play well (maybe 105 yards rushing and a touchdown), and then immediately get injured after the game, never to play again?

Is this a serious question? All-American running back, by far. Far more overall success, higher Q rating, everything is better. You’re more or less asking if I want to be Tommie Frazier or Jahvid Best. The only argument for B, which is that you’d get an NFL paycheck, is flawed. Assuming you didn’t get pre-rookie wage scale first overall money from B, you wouldn’t make THAT much in the NFL if you only played one game. On the other hand, guys with non-factor NFL careers like Eric Crouch and J Leman coast into cushy analyst jobs that they SUCK at because they were All-Americans in college. “You see, Bob, the quarterback here wasn’t able to help his team because rather than throwing it to a receiver downfield or running for positive yardage, he was sacked.” Thanks guys!

Would you rather receive oral sex every day immediately when you wake up, or immediately before you go to bed?

The latter, because your life would be a sad and unproductive mess if you got it immediately after waking up. You’d also pretty much never be unhappy going to bed, whereas there are days where you will hate life in the morning regardless because you have to go to work.

Last week at my bachelor party, 10 guys went out to lunch at a casual restaurant. When I was done stuffing my face, I engaged in my usual routine of "throwing in the towel" - taking my napkin off of my lap and placing it on my plate - in an effort to stop myself from further overeating. Have you ever taken the napkin back off and resumed eating?

No, but I also haven’t put the napkin on the plate. It’s something that a lot of people do, but it’s pretty illogical if you think about it. I’ve worked in food service, bussing plates and whatnot, and if people put their napkins on the plates and they’ve been stacked up, somebody has to filter the napkin out. Which would be okay if it weren’t for knowing that putting the napkin on the plate in the beginning was inconvenient for you, too. For future reference, just put your napkin somewhere to the side of your plate. It’s just easier for everybody.

If you had to chose one calendar month to stay sober, what month would be the easiest?

The correct theoretical answer is February because it’s the shortest month but it’s also the most boring month. Hell, the one highlight of the month from a sports perspective—the Super Bowl—is marked by drinking. And what are you going to do, watch the NBA All-Star Game clean and sober rather than drinking? I don’t even like drinking all that much—not as an activity in and of itself, at least—but February blows. I’m going to say April—there are no interesting beers you’ll want to explore (picking October means limiting intake of Pumpkin Ales or Oktoberfests, if that’s your thing) and the weather is decent enough that you can do things without drinking. I’m sure somebody will disagree and say that you need beer available for baseball season, which I think is your elaborate way of admitting that you don’t like baseball.

When was the last time a president got shitfaced?

It probably depends how you define “shitfaced”. Legally drunk, I’d say it happened under Obama. Not to a point of being dangerous or out of control, but while on vacation or something, having a few too many of the White House microbrew (This actually exists—look it up). George W. Bush says he hasn’t had a drink since the eighties—that may well not be true, but I highly doubt that he ever had more than, like, a glass of wine or something. Clinton though? If a president has gotten shitfaced before, it was Clinton. First term. You seen that picture of him on SI in the Razorbacks jacket? That guy partied.

My boy jerks it in the sink. Swears by it. Is that okay?

No. That’s horrifying. Also, this sentence implies your boy is relatively young and probably still lives with you. Put an end to that shit. There are so many alternatives, all of which are better than this. Let him jerk it in his own sink someday.

At any given moment, how many books in a college library have secret messages slipped into the pages? I'm just wondering how many books I'd have to randomly open to find the hidden treasure/track down a spy/discover a lost work of Shakespeare.

Secret messages that lead somewhere? Not many. The concept of buried treasure is an insane one. Why would you bury treasure? Isn’t that something you would like to have? Things humans actually bury primarily consist of dead bodies because we don’t really want those hanging around on terra firma. Extravagant riches don’t count in there.

If we’re talking messages in general, the answer is all of them. Scribblings about how girls of a given sorority are whores, homophobic slurs about fraternities, shit like that. I checked out a copy of The Godfather (the novel, not the movie) and in that book there were references to a Greek-letter organization that, at the time I attended school, did not exist on campus. Fratboys are morons.

UPS just buzzed my apartment and I was taking a shit. It was the worst experience of my life.

UPS usually comes during the middle of the day. A very high number of people the UPS guy will request won’t be there—they’ll be at work, at school, or possibly running errands. You have no obligation to be ready for him. Fret not.

Do you think the Obamas have tried anal? No way Lady Bird Johnson let Lyndon go five-hole on her.

I’ll say no, though this is with absolutely no particular logic behind it. But Lyndon Johnson is a freak. He also might have killed Kennedy. LBJ is so much worse in terms of general humanity than JFK but doesn’t get nearly the attention. Oh, Kennedy may have nailed Marilyn Monroe? Lyndon B. Johnson nailed EVERYTHING THAT MOVED.

In 30 years when all of the baby boomers are dead, will antiquated ice cream flavors like maple walnut, butter pecan, and heavenly hash cease to exist?

No, because they will resurrect. Everything from the past that should have died a dishonorable death comes back because RETRO. The whole reason for Michael Buble’s career existing is because of humanity’s undying desire for baritones with kind of limited vocal range to do carbon copies of old songs. People called him a Sinatra ripoff, which is misleading, because Sinatra was doing a bunch of songs other people had done too. Journey was a terrible band for decades and it looked for a while that they were going to be forgotten but NOPE. People a few years older than I am decided to start having an affinity for Don’t Stop Believin, even though it sucks, simply because it was older. And this will happen with crappy ice cream flavors too. Asshole millennials won’t want to listen to the Black Keys and get DQ because it isn’t spectacular or unique enough. It may not be great, but it’s serviceable, damn it! Instead, they’ll sip pumpkin spice lattes while listening to terrible old music and eating old people food.

NFL QBs are supposed to be great leaders, right? Assuming they all had equal intellect and business acumen, based solely on leadership traits, which NFL QB would you pick to be your boss in an office? Assuming equal positions on the issues, which would you pick to be the President of the United States?

TEEEEEEEBOW! Actually, Tebow is an annoyingly good pick for this because he represents all of the things we’re annoyed at presidents for being—bland, inoffensive, all too chipper. Peyton Manning would be a popular pick but I don’t really know what he does that translates beyond the football field. I’m going to go with Matthew Stafford because, as a Bill Clinton fan, I see a lot of him in Stafford. Both have easygoing, self-effacing attitudes and could probably get any girl in the world in spite of not really being all that good looking. That’s what you need as president. A charmer.

To be clear, for all practical matters I wouldn’t pick any of these guys. The idea of a celebrity president comes up a lot because of Reagan, but Reagan was a politician for as long as most presidents. It’s not like by 1980, people mostly associated Ronnie with his acting career.

What single food item would kill you the fastest if you ate it and only it with water to drink three meals a day? I say Sour Patch Kids.

I assume this has to be an actual food and not just, like, straight lard or laxatives or something. Sour Patch Kids aren’t a bad answer but the fat content is negligible. They’re still horrible for you because of the sugar content, but a stuffed jelly donut has the same level of sugar concentrations while also proving no vitamins and a ton of fat. I’ll go jelly donuts.

NOTE: This only applies if you’re like most Americans and kinda overweight anyway. If you’re underweight, the answer goes the opposite direction. It would be something that is crazily low calorie. I’m fat though and don’t know what this would be.

what are the odds that the average American adult has eaten part of a dog or cat without their knowledge in their lifetime?

I can’t really assign a numeric value but the odds are decent. Every once in a while, I’ll find myself in a social situation (usually with family) where there is some kind of mystery meat there. I could ask somebody what it is but 1. They probably don’t know either; 2. Some things are better left unknown. This isn’t even counting sketchy, unregulated foods (especially if abroad). Frankly, the idea that I’ve had dog or cat doesn’t really bother me. Like, I would never kill a dog or cat for eating but if it’s dead already, I’m not all that offended. This rule applies to pretty much all animals, too. Maybe I’ll put in my will that I want people to taste me after I die just to see if I taste good. This is actually an elaborate prank because I know that with my diet, I could not possibly taste good at all.

Is there any better feeling than unexpectedly getting to leave work early? My apartment always looks so much brighter when I get home a few hours early. What's the best way to use this extra time? I like to turn it into an extended jack-session followed by a second lunch.

Leaving work early is okay but it can be kind of unfulfilling. Unless you get to leave early during March Madness or something, there’s probably not much to do. You get home and you can, like, turn on Around the Horn or whatever stupid show ESPN has going at the moment but…basically, I usually end up kind of waiting until 5:30 or so before I want to do anything. In order for me to fully appreciate it, I better get off before noon.

Instead, I prefer the alternative scenario of being in an office, like, the Friday before Labor Day when basically everybody leaves and you get to just kind of sit around and kill time. On New Years Eve last year, people at my work were allowed to leave early if they wanted but without pay. I elected, along with maybe 15% of people who bothered to show up (so like 5% of actual capacity), to stay. I openly GameTracked the Sun Bowl on my phone. I swore at will. It was glorious and it felt rebellious. Had I gone home, it would have felt like Sundays when it isn’t football season. Sundays not during football season are horrible.

What is the best way to shave my pubes at college while living in the dorms? Should I sneak into the bathroom late at night (shared with half the floor)? Should I wait until my roommate leaves and lay down a towel?

Well, the best way is to just, like, not. But the latter, if you have to choose between the two. If a roommate leaves, you can probably know reasonably speaking how long he will be gone. Maybe he has a class or he’s part of an organization and you can assure yourself at least an hour to do what you want to do. The problem with sneaking into the bathroom, no matter how late, is that the people you run into, while rarer, are the worst. “HEY BRAH YOU SHOULD GET A SLAMPIECE FOR THAT BRAH.” This guy will be drunk and possibly accompanied with another bro (frat guys travel to the bathroom in a stereotypically female way, or at least they did in my freshman dorm).

Have you ever gotten someone's work voicemail and it begins "Listen carefully to the following message...?"

In that moment, I'm fully prepared for the next part of the message to be something along the lines of: "...I don't have much time; they're onto me. I've uncovered proof that THE CHINESE ARE PLANNING A FULL SCALE INVASION. They expect to launch the first missiles in less than 48 hours. If you're hearing this, you are America's only hope. In my office, I've hid the intel on a flash drive; you must get it to Col. Hal McAllister (played by Louis Gossett Jr.) at Fort Eagle as soon as possible. He is the only person I trust, and he's the only person you should trust. The flash drive is hidden in—-*door bursts open*...*loud orders barked out in Mandarin*...*multiple gunshots*...*end of message*"

Of course, the actual following message is some asshole telling you they're going to be in Cabo for the next two weeks and to forward all messages to their fat fucking secretary.

They just wanted to humblebrag a vacation to Cabo, which is dumb, because unless you’re Sammy Hagar, who the fuck is excited to go to Cabo?

http://deadspin.com/5950269/should-you-shave-your-childs-unibrow

Johnapedia

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Audio Johnapedia 28

Friday, October 18, 2013

Audio Johnapedia 27

Monday, October 14, 2013

Audio Johnapedia 26

Friday, October 11, 2013

Today in Horrible People on Twitter--Adrian Peterson Edition

Saturday, October 5, 2013

I stole Drew Magary's Funbag. Here is my plagiarism.