Saturday, July 9, 2016

The 10 Greatest Tweets of All-Time

Twitter is a bad place and most tweets written on Twitter are bad. But here are ten good ones. To be clear: these are the only ten tweets that are good. If you did not make the list, it is because your tweets are bad. I don't consider this to be that confusing.

10.
Sports Twitter is a truly contemptible place, and nowhere is it more toxic than Chicago Blackhawks Twitter. While #FSUtwitter's readiness to defend Jameis Winston drew the ire of responsible sports fans, the NHL is less popular than college football, so some are unfamiliar with the phenomenon of fans defending notorious scumbag Patrick Kane.

And while certain facets of NHL media chose to ignore very disturbing rape allegations against Patrick Kane (not to mention the time he beat up a 62 year-old cab driver over 20 cents worth of fare, which is the kind of thing you have to be a real sociopath to do), others choose to bombard Patrick Kane-related PR moves. Is it juvenile? Often, it is. And this tweet itself walks a fine line between rape joke and social commentary, but it ultimately it leans towards the latter because those who have whitewashed Kane's history deserve any ridicule on any level that can be levied.

9.


The entire business model of Best Fans St. Louis is based around screenshots. But there is no accountability for any of it. Which isn't to say that they are making up things (except when they claim hot ESPN mics picked up on Cardinals fans yelling the n-word at Jason Heyward), but it strips the internet of context. Some lunatic tweets death threats against underperforming Cardinals? Somebody ironically writes "Bush Stadium" or "trader"? It doesn't matter because it's all the same.

Luckily, the true feelings on Best Fans St. Louis came to the forefront. Thank you, Crying Birds, for uncovering their true feelings.

8.


As far as I can tell, this is a completely earnest tweet. The hyperbole of random soldiers succeeding against the best football players in the world is comical enough but this tweet's true highlight is the word "dominate". It's not good enough to compete or play; they would DOMINATE. If you disagree, you simply hate the troops.

7.


So the original tweet, which declares "I would still rather have Stephen Piscotty for president than anyone actually running", is great. Often during election cycles, an easy way to score cheap comedy points is to make a joke about how bad presidential candidates are. And it's a cynical ploy to be "political" without offending anybody, but in the end, it offends the whole damn system. That's why I have such vitriol for the "Bud Light Party" commercials with Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer: presidential elections are important things, and reducing them to a plot device to sell your terrible beer is vulgar.

With that said, I would actually rather Stephen Piscotty be president than Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, or Jill Stein. Frankly, I find it bothersome that anyone would vote for Johnson or Stein: your candidate isn't going to win anyway, so why would you not vote for actual, genuinely better candidate Stephen Piscotty? In the end I'm going to vote for Hillary Clinton because my desire to see the president not be Donald Trump supercedes my desire to #wellactually people on the internet when Hillary does something bad, but that's only because Piscotty doesn't have a chance (stupid Cardinals hatred).

Anyway, I went with the Hochman quote-RT because the original tweeter, El Maquino, despises Hochman, and his seal of approval led to Maq unpinning the tweet. Also, I don't get why people hate quote-tweets. They're okay!

6.


So this one is going to take some explanation, which diminishes the efficacy of the tweet, but it is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

NFL writers are the most boring, self-serious people on the planet. Jeff Darlington is one of these people. It's just what it is: I follow more MLB, NBA, and NHL writers on Twitter than I do NFL writers because the other leagues at least have a sense of humor about things. NFL Twitter is Dead Damn Serious about the long snapper of the Cincinnati Bengals restructuring his contract so that Andy Dalton can get a raise (while it seems unfair that only one player, the starting quarterback, comes close to making his true value from NFL teams, it's a start).

Crying Jordan is objectively unfunny, but it is the persistence of it which made it funny. There is nothing inherently funny about a picture of Michael Jordan crying, even if you dislike him, and even putting his face over sad athletes is pretty bland. But in recent months, it has exploded to a point where Crying Jordan is being put on balls, over entire states, and just about everywhere.

During the final game of this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, between Villanova and MJ's alma mater North Carolina. And when Villanova won on a buzzer beater (every year, people try to convince me college basketball is popular, and I barely remember the end of this game that happened three months ago), Twitter did what Twitter does. Crying Jordan on top of present-day Michael Jordan. Crying Jordan on top of the entire UNC team. Et cetera.

Jeff Darlington simply posted the origin photo of Crying Jordan. He just wants to fit in!

5.
This tweet is the single-greatest encapsulation of internet commenters I have ever seen on Twitter. A Patrick Kane fan assuming moral high ground. A fan gaining a groundswell of support from Deadspin comments thanks to a non-joke passively referencing something something best fans in baseball. Viewing racial strife as a prop for which to argue about sports while paying so little attention to the issue itself that you don't even bother to verify the name of one of the major players within it. The internet's tendency to add worthless comments like "You sir win the internet".

Double Birds is very good.

4.


The first three replies to this tweet are the best thing to ever happen on that godforsaken website.


3.


Fendi Hotdogbun has 1,168 followers and this isn't a percent of what he deserves. He is consistently funny and terrific and it pains me to remind everybody, once again, of how badly he got owned here.

Please do not RT this tweet. Fendi will not appreciate the own.

2.



Donald Trump is a garbage person that I do not like but in the end, if he were to praise me, I'd probably accept the praise pretty enthusiastically, because I am a gigantic coward.

Deadspin did not. They see right through Trump: that he is trying to ride the coattails of the now-fashionable sports blog, and they are having absolutely none of that. That Trump immediately turned on Deadspin is itself a moment worthy of consideration.

1.

This tweet, from an account purporting to be former MLB outfielder Ricky Ledee, is perfect. And it comes so close to being forgettable. He walked a tightrope and he achieved perfection.

"Yea" is funnier than "Yeah", although I typically prefer the latter. There's something more casual about it. The lack of punctuation is critical: a comma or a question mark ruins the nonchalant nature of the tweet. And this tweet is endlessly quotable. Just try it: after you've consumed an adult beverage or two or three, tell somebody "Yea I've had a few beers so what." The cadence will warm your heart. It is the greatest tweet ever written.
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