The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Wedding Reception Music

As much attention as is given to weddings, most people (and by people, I probably mean men) can agree that the more vital, differentiated part of the wedding process is the wedding reception.  I’ve been to weddings ranging from devoutly religious to ardently secular to full-blown military galas, and with a few small little exceptions, they’re all pretty much the same thing.  There are, however, substantive differences between a good and a bad wedding reception.

While I’ve been to several weddings, I have been to MANY more wedding receptions.  A year plus of working at a banquet hall in high school does that sort of thing.  And most of the things are fairly beyond the control of whomever is organizing the reception—the décor of the reception hall, the quality of the food served, et al can only be controlled as far as making choices of where to go.  You make a choice, you reserve a location, and then you hope for the best of luck.  But with the quality of songs played, it is more in the control of the customer.  Every DJ I’ve ever met, and I’ve likely met more than you, would rather get a ton of requests of songs they don’t even particularly like rather than playing a bunch of obscure songs that won’t make people happy.

Now, not every wedding party is the same.  Some weddings come from very traditional families and they’d rather have a jazz trio play Glenn Miller style tunes than danceable songs.  But for a majority, and this has applied across the board, dance music is the way to make people excited.  It presents the bride and groom a wondrous opportunity to see their family and friends act like complete buffoons.  But the joy really depends on what songs are being played.  Some songs are exceedingly conducive to bringing down the house—some aren’t.  As an expert in the field, I have decided to analyze forty-two (given the title of this, I need not explain why I decided on forty-two) popular reception songs and the pros and cons associated with them.

Party Rock Anthem—LMFAO: On the plus side, it’s a really popular song that’s catchier and has the kind of fun, mindless vibe that one would aspire to hear under the circumstances.  However, as a dance song, it’s kind of questionable.  Not a bad choice for young people but it’s kind of hard to imagine grandma hitting the dance floor and shuffling.

I Gotta Feeling—Black Eyed Peas: Lyrically, it’s obviously kind of what you’re going for.  It’s happy and optimistic.  The part where you yell “Mazel tov”, for the record, is prohibited as Jewish weddings because, just, on principle.  The biggest con is that musically, it’s kind of a depressing song.  Not that it’s a bad song (even though it absolutely is)—just that the song is really only useful for middle aged women to work out to.  Granted that’s kind of what a wedding reception generally is, but still, I wouldn’t advise it.

Don’t Stop Believin—Journey: I maintain that people who claim to like Journey are just trolling me.  Like, I’ll get worn down and be like “Okay!  Okay!  Wheel in the Sky is a good song!” and then everyone I know will humiliate me by admitting that they knew all along that Journey blows and that they wanted to get me to subscribe to their group think.  The sole reason this works from a wedding perspective is as a sing-along, in which case there are much more danceable (not to mention good) songs to which everyone knows all the lyrics.

You Shook Me All Night Long—AC/DC: This one is a necessary staple of the American wedding reception.  It’s semi-dirty, but not the total filth-fest of Pour Some Sugar On Me.  It’s a song that every teenager in America knows, yet it’s also 32 years old and thus if you’re under sixty, you are well aware of this song.  There’s no real “dance” to it, but it gets people to the floor.  The one con is that people often looked bewildered and confused when the guitar solo hits—but anyone who doesn’t respond by doing an Angus Young-style duck walk is out of their mind anyway.

Just Dance—Lady Gaga: Lady Gaga is one of those artists where I “kind of” get it.  I’ve never voluntarily listened to a Gaga song, but people like her music and dancing to it.  It’s pop fluff but it’s a wedding—are you supposed to play Velvet Underground or something?  While your ability to get people over the age of 30 to dance (unless they’re trying to just look cool for the young’ns), it’s a worthy addition to the playlist.

Livin On a Prayer—Bon Jovi: Basically, this song is the same as Don’t Stop Believin.  It’s a slightly better song with slightly worse singability.  I’d still pass.

Sweet Caroline—Neil Diamond: Is this a good song?  It really depends who you ask.  I’d say no.  Is it a danceable song?  No.  These first two criteria probably imply this is an absolute no, but it depends to an extent on who the clientele are.  The ONLY reason that this is an acceptable wedding song, unless the bride is named Caroline, is the chorus.  “Sweet Caroline…BUM BUM BUM,” the drunken crowd may yell.  This song’s viability as a wedding song is entirely contingent upon the openness of the bar/the rowdiness of the patrons.

Cupid Shuffle—Cupid: Is this a GOOD song?  Not especially.  It is, however, one of the easiest dance songs in the history of the universe.  It’s up there with Electric Slide though it’s a better song.  It belongs on a reception playlist.

Pour Some Sugar On Me—Def Leppard: Aforementioned as a nice, dumb 80s rock song along the lines of AC/DC, this song is equally a wedding staple.  It’s a worse song and although it gets played a lot, it doesn’t especially bring people to the floor.  Some people, in fact, get really annoyed by it.  I’m not too fond of this one for weddings, personally.

Love Shack—B52s: Quite simply, this is one of the most fun songs in history.  People gravitate towards the dance floor and belt songs out.  I don’t care if all the dancing is awkward, generic whitepeople meddling—it’s a top wedding song for sure.

Cha Cha Slide—DJ Casper: To me, you only need one group dance song per reception.  If you have to choose between this or Cupid Shuffle, I’d opt Cupid Shuffle.  Cha Cha Slide jumped the shark when Busch Stadium would play the “Everybody clap your hands” part before every tense moment of the World Series, anyway.

Dancing Queen—ABBA: Though ostensibly a dance song, this song never really is all that efficient in getting people to dance.  It doesn’t especially have rhythm—it’s just another example of standard pop fare that the band became known for.

Hey Ya—Outkast: Quite simply, this is a really, really depressing song.  Have you ever bothered to listen to the lyrics?  It’s not a love song.  With that said, because the “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” bit makes people move awkwardly, it sort of works.  Sort of.

Yeah—Usher: Its stock as a reception song has declined in the years since I stopped working receptions, but it remains a modern staple.  And while people over a certain age can’t really sing the full complement of lyrics efficiently, they can at least sing the title.  And that’s a plus.

Brown Eyed Girl—Van Morrison: People like this song plenty (though I can’t say I get it), but its dance potential is mediocre.  To me, if you’re going to opt for a Van Morrison song, you should go Moondance.  It’s a better, jazzier song that at works as a slow dance.

We Are Family—Sister Sledge: On the plus side, this is a song everybody knows.  It also tends to do well at getting people to come out and kind of dance.  However, it’s also a gigantic cliché.  It’s not the most original choice but I guess it kind of works.

Baby Got Back—Sir Mix a Lot: If you’re 40 or younger, you probably know pretty close to every word of this song.  If you don’t know the song, it would probably just kind of confuse the hell out of you, but you’re probably pretty confused by this point anyway.  It’s a great song if you wouldn’t be embarrassed for your grandmother to hear this song.

Single Ladies—Beyonce: Regrettably, this song completely blows.  It’s an unfortunate fact which goes underreported, that Beyonce is not good and that her music is generic pop-R&B crap.  But its video basically forever cemented that the song has a dance that everybody knows.  It’s also a day entirely about, well, putting a ring on it.  So unless you just absolutely loathe this song, it’s a go.

Friends in Low Places—Garth Brooks: This song really depends on who is getting married.  If this marriage is 1. Between cousins; 2. In a state which banned slavery in the 20^th century; or 3. Involving a man with a mustache; then play it.  If not, it’s probably going to annoy the hell out of enough people that it’s not going to do too much for you.

Shout—The Isley Brothers: Everybody, regardless of age, dances to this song.  It’s really easy and even if you somehow didn’t know how to dance to it, it would take you a verse and a chorus and you’d know for life.  An absolute must.

Old Time Rock and Roll—Bob Seger: My animosity towards Bob Seger has been well documented, but to me, this is a low point of Bob Seger’s sellout phase.  This song is played at so many weddings that nobody will really question you if you do.  But why bother?

Tik Tok—Kesha: As with many, the appeal of this song depends on the clientele you’re hoping to cater to.  This one may have the youngest target audience ever—25 or younger, perhaps.  The thing is, younger people will be more receptive to dancing to old songs than vice versa, so this may be worth leaving at the cutting floor.

Celebration—Kool and the Gang: Am I the only person who get bummed out by this song?  This song has never made me want to celebrate.  And in spite of its era and what you might assume, it doesn’t especially work as a dance song.  I’d pass.  I may be alone.

Brick House—Commodores: This, along with Play That Funky Music, is the gold standard of pseudo-funk that people really tend to love in wedding receptions.  People will dance and people will be merry.  You really can’t ask anything more than this.

Let’s Get It Started—Black Eyed Peas: Unlike the horrible I Gotta Feeling, this one gets people moving.  It’s really more of a jump up and down kind of moving, but that’s something.  It’s motion.

Forget You—Cee Lo: Fuck censorship.  I don’t fucking give a shit if the fucking corporate assholes who made Cee Lo record this piece of shit re-record thought they knew what they were fucking doing.  Either you play the uncensored version and offend grandma or you play censored and sell your soul.

YMCA—Village People: Dance people know, check.  Catchy song, check.  I mean, duh.

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy—Big and Rich: Yes, it’s a redneck song, but this one amuses me and seems to amuse many other people of questionable literacy.  The song makes people sway to some such degree, and drunk women seem to enjoy yelling the song’s title.  Which is fun.

Come On Eileen—Dexys Midnight Runners: Girl name songs are always a tenuous area.  I mean, what if the guy dated a girl named Eileen?  But if not, one thing I like about this song as a reception song is that, for a semi-danceable song, it’s different.  It’s folky and not funky.  Diversity is good here.

Stayin Alive—Bee Gees: Few songs are more synonymous with dancing.  Since nobody listens to the lyrics of this pretty goddamned depressing song (off the soundtrack of a secretly depressing movie), it’s gold.

Cotton Eye Joe—Rednex: Admittedly, I don’t get it.  But in terms of songs that get masses and masses of people to dance around like imbeciles, this song is the gold standard.  Receptions are all about getting people to act en masse.  This song is a fantastic way.

Jump Around—House Of Pain: This may be the easiest dancing song ever.  You literally just jump a lot.  It’s not tricky.  Once people have had a few too many, you need the most basic possible dance maneuvers.  This is the song for that.

Bust a Move—Young MC: There are few things that white people like to do more than feel like they’re cool by singing black songs.  I can’t say with a straight face I’ve ever seen this danced well.  But danced?  Oh my yes.

Electric Slide—Marcia Griffiths: We’ve had enough slides.  Uncle!

Hot in Herre—Nelly: This song ONLY works in St. Louis, because only in St. Louis will old people embrace this song.  It sort of depends on the religiousness of your party but this is a good one to get people riled up.

Evacuate the Dance Floor—Cascada: White people LOVE this shit, man.  It’s the kind of song that people bump and grind to ironically.  As in you can do it with relatives nearby and it’s not really that weird.

Macarena—Los Del Rio: It’s easy if you’re, like, slightly younger than I am to remember this, but this may have been the single biggest song of my lifetime.  Like, this shit was EVERYWHERE.  And it was such a simply dance that everyone remembers it.  Stupid?  Yes.  But memorable.

White Wedding—Billy Idol: Okay, it’s not a dance song.  And it’s not exactly a glowing standpoint towards weddings.  No.  Never.  Under no circumstances is this a good idea.

Get Low—Lil Jon: It really does depend on the liberalism of your relatives.  Would I feel comfortable yelling “From the window, to the walls, to the sweat running down my balls” around my family?  Um, kind of.  Not uncomfortable.  But some people wouldn’t feel so assured there.  Approach this song with caution, but for some people, it really excites them.

Mony Mony—Billy Idol: THIS is a preferred Billy Idol song.  It’s sort of a dance song and it allows drunken morons to yell the made up lyrics during it.

It’s Tricky—Run DMC: This has been dangerously underutilized at wedding receptions.  Not never used, but not used enough.  It’s one of those rockish old school rap songs that people love to sing along to.  And you can swing about a little bit.  Thumbs up.

Paper Planes—MIA: This song only has one reason to ever be played: So jagoffs like myself can mock shooting guns in the air during the chorus.  This is a warning to the world.  People like me will do this stupid move.  You must brace for that sort of thing.