On Monday, Dallas Stars defenseman Rich Peverley collapsed on his team's bench, which caused the cancellation of that night's game against the Columbus Blue Jackets. It was a terrifying and scary moment for a player with a history of heart problems which, thankfully, does not appear to be life-threatening. Well, apparently, Peverley asked to go back into the game (for the sake of the narrative, I will trust that he was not actually yet aware that the game had been postponed).
Good for him, I suppose. Sure, undergoing physical activity after such horrible physical trauma would not be a good idea, but given his (probable) mental haze, I don't want to mock him. It's clear that he, like pretty much every professional athlete ever, has world-class work ethic. Cool. But NHL fans didn't quite take it on face value like I did. They took it as a reason to mock the NBA. Because NHL fans are the worst.
Why did NHL fans feel the need to bring Lebron James into the discussion, as they did with preposterous memes? It's not like Lebron called out Peverley. He's just a guy who plays a different sport at a really high level. But apparently HE'S A WUSS BECAUSE RICH PEVERLEY ALMOST DIED AND WANTED TO PLAY AND LEBRON DIDN'T PLAY A GAME WHICH IS LARGELY FUELED BY AN ABILITY TO RUN QUICKLY FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME AFTER HE HAD A LEG CRAMP WHAT A JERK. Some people have suggested that there are racial overtones (also, the "tough hockey player" archetype is rarely used to describe the Jarome Iginlas or P.K. Subbans of the world), though I think that part is a relatively small piece of the puzzle. The problem is that NHL fans (which significantly, though not exclusively, overlaps with just being a 'hockey' fan) feel the need to pump up their toughness. Even the NFL, a league which is inherently very violent, at least pretends to be concerned about player safety. The NHL has games which stop so that unskilled players can stop and bare-knuckle box.
Speaking of the NFL, the awful fans of the NFL do not get a pass. While NHL fans desire to create a more violent sport, NFL fans instead celebrate the violence they have. And when I say "celebrate", I don't mean "NFL fans don't mind that players get hurt". I mean they actively celebrate it. And why? Because of fantasy football! While every sport has fantasy leagues, NFL fantasy owners are a unique brand of sociopath. If a player gets hurt, and a fantasy owner has his backup: HURRAY VIOLENCE! But it gets worse. I refer you to this previous edition of Johnapedia, in which the death of Adrian Peterson's infant son created great concern about how it might affect fake football.
Though college football fans aren't better. The level of seriousness about a sport in which players cannot legally be paid is remarkable. It is impossible to explain to a non-American (I've tried and failed miserably) the appeal of college sports. In November, the insanity reached perhaps its apex when an Alabama fan murdered another Alabama fan, who was apparently insufficiently upset about Alabama's walk-off loss to Auburn. And these is an Alabama fan. Alabama, who had won the previous TWO national championships. The unbridled passion never dissipates. If a team wins, it doesn't satisfy their fans--it gives their fans homicidal urges when their team does not maintain an impossible pace.
Depending on whom you ask, Major League Baseball is either #1, #2, or #3 in terms of popularity among American professional sports. The people who say they are #3 are wrong, but the MLB fans who say MLB is #1 are just HILARIOUSLY wrong. You see, in spite of the fact that NFL regular season games are capable of better TV ratings than World Series games, MLB fans have a constant need to remind you that their sport is America's pastime. It doesn't matter that the NFL has been more popular than MLB for about half a century. Baseball's hardcores have an impossible time separating popularity and quality. It doesn't matter that the NFL is more popular because not only are a lot of popular things terrible, but MLB ratings are fine (it's not like the league is under threat to fold or something). But this isn't good enough. Just as NHL fans are upset about people liking the NBA, MLB fans are upset about the popularity of the NFL.
The only sport whose fans are a serious threat to MLB in terms of lame and sanctimonious obnoxiousness is college basketball. Fans of college basketball are in complete denial about the fact that, BY FAR, the sport which has decreased in quality of play the most in the last two decades or so is theirs. Virtually no good players stick around for four years; most head to the NBA as soon as they get the chance. Yet in the world of the college basketball fan, their sport offers a superior product. At least college football fans seem to have a certain awareness that the players they're watching aren't as good as the pros. But college basketball fans will claim that NBA players do not play defense. They will claim that NBA players don't care about the team and that they only care about themselves. Neither of these claims have even the slightest basis in tangible reality, but without these narratives, college basketball fans cannot defend themselves or their sport.
Although their sport, as previously said, provides a superior level of competition, this does not exempt NBA fans from their specific form of awfulness. Because NBA fans are split into two terrible categories. One is the nomadic bandwagoner, rooting for whatever the hot team is. It's amazing how quickly people abandoned their "lifelong fan" status of the Los Angeles Lakers this year. But now, they have "their" Miami Heat. There is a lack of local pride unlike any other sport. Hell, the league's best player says that as he grew up in the 1990s, he was a fan of the Yankees, Bulls, and Cowboys. You know, the team of the decade in all three sports. And he did this while living near Cleveland. But just as bad are the obsessive fans, who will watch the most awful of regular season games while pointing out how good the young talent is on mediocre teams. It's important to point out how much you think Trevor Ariza is improving, or how fun you find it to watch Greivis Vasquez. Shut up.
But at least the big four professional sports in the United States are the world's greatest league in their respective sports. But then there's NASCAR fans. The Sprint Cup series is not even close to the world's biggest auto racing circuit--its cars have restricted speeds for competitive balance and nobody outside of the United States cares. Formula 1 is the clear top circuit. It's one thing for somebody to like NASCAR because it's the local racing organization but the idea that people are watching NASCAR while not paying attention to the big show is downright hilarious. Also, NASCAR gives out an award for its most popular driver and Dale Earnhardt couldn't win the award until the year he died. People hated him. Bill Elliott won the award sixteen times and people immediately stopped caring. What kind of weirdass fans do that?
In contrast to NASCAR fans, who watch a national sport instead of its international variant, there are Premier League fans. These fans enjoy watching the most popular sports league in the world while never shutting up about the fact that they are watching it. It is a fashion statement--a way of showing to the world that you are refined and don't just watch mere American sports. It proves you are a man or woman of the planet. It also shows you are productive because you woke up early on a weekend, as though this is an actual badge of honor. But the worst thing is the arbitrary nature of selecting a favorite team. Because none of the teams are within five time zones of anybody in the U.S., it's the one sport where fans have an excuse to be lazy and root for Manchester United or Chelsea or Arsenal. And yet people root for Newcastle United, or Aston Villa, or Fulham, or some other similarly average team. And for no damn reason whatsoever. And yet there is passion. Because it's their way of showing that they are sincere and more refined than you are.
The opposite of these fans who keep up a charade by rooting for mediocrity is PGA fans. For some reason, golf fans turn into Darren Rovell--EVERYTHING is about corporate interests. And it's a thing people root for. There is no logical reason for a hardcore golf fan to root for Tiger Woods--he's a dull, borderline sociopathic elitist who is no more exempt from coming through as the product of an affluent upbringing that he is than any other golfer. And yet people root for him because of how it will impact ratings and sponsors. Every tournament is on TV--what do you think is going to happen if Tiger doesn't win? Golf ends?
I'd mock fans of other sports, but I don't want to pick on fans of, like, professional bowling or something. Their lives are hard enough as it is.
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