Drinking German Beer in the Most American of Ways

Two weeks ago, I purchased a 16.9 ounce bottle of Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier Dunkel, a beer brewed by a nearly-millennium old brewery in the German region of Bavaria. It is one of my favorite beers in the world and after going many months without purchasing beer for my personal consumption, I decided that it was time to jump back on the wagon (or is it on the wagon?).

It didn’t even dawn on me at the time that I was, on the second day of the World Cup, buying a German beer just in time for the United States to be in Germany’s group during the World Cup. So I have been hesitant to drink it. But now, with the United States three days away from a huge matchup against Germany, I feel that I need to drink it while preserving my reputation as a fine and upstanding American.

So I asked Twitter.

So I have a German beer in my fridge. What would be the most patriotic way to consume it in light of Thursday?
— John (@johnjf125) June 23, 2014

I got several responses but there was no contest as to the best response. It was from Twitter user @lazyrasmus. The suggestion was then confirmed via tweet favoriting from Twitter users @Buddha6883 and @lil_scooter93, themselves fine and patriotic Americans. Everybody involved brought their a-game, particularly Mr. Lazyrasmus. And here is the winning suggestion.

@johnjf125 wear a tie
— Condescending Wacha (@lazyrasmus) June 23, 2014

Now I, like most men of a certain age, own several ties. But for this particular occasion, there was only one choice of which tie to wear.

America so hard. pic.twitter.com/eHCLPqSkqw
— John (@johnjf125) June 22, 2014

Well, this is a start. I can prove my love for America by wearing a United States flag designed bowtie. Is this sufficiently American? Well, maybe for some. But not for me, damn it. I need to make this the most American beer-drinking experience of all-time. So let’s get this started with Bruce Springsteen’s 1984 ode to the American spirit (of drinking until you forget how miserable your life is).

The National Anthems

Out of respect to Germany, I will play their national anthem. After all, we don’t hate Germany. In fact, if Germany could just go ahead and agree to a 0-0 draw which would allow the United States to advance, I wouldn’t argue.

What a bad song. And you wanna know something? That’s the best selling single to ever come from Germany. And from a band who made perfectly good big dumb rock songs before they got into writing the national anthem of Germany.

But that’s just a warm-up act for the United States of America.

The United States of America has a beautiful, diverse culture which can foster so many unique, equally valid components, but if listening to Jimi Hendrix rip off the Star-Spangled Banner doesn’t make you want to run through a goddamned wall in the name of liberty, you can go ahead and move to Communist Sweden.

Next, I will pull the beer out of my refrigerator. I have to admit, the Germans make one regal looking bottle of beer. And before I continue, I should add an important disclaimer: Anybody who hopes to MERICA like this should be at least 21 years old. Additionally, this is far from the only way out there to MERICA. If you do not drink, be it for ethical, health, or taste reasons, do not let this limit you. Representing your homeland is a little like being a member of the Wu-Tang Clan—it’s less about you subscribing to a certain set of rules and boundaries and more about FEELING what it’s all about.

Next, though, comes glassware. I know I’m drinking some expensive beer here, but I don’t want to sound like the beer snob here, but I’m not drinking this beer out of that bottle. What kind of college freshman douchebag would that make me? Answer: Some kind of. But anyway, considering I don’t really drink that much, I have an inordinate amount of glasses that would suffice for the job. My most recently acquired glass came via a fraternity in which I belonged in college, but the fraternity is an international fraternity. There’s nothing wrong with being international or diverse, but for maximum MERICA, the presence of Canadian chapters aren’t going to do the job. I have a glass with a disintegrated Dave and Busters logo which, frankly, makes me sad. So that leaves me with a choice of American breweries.

Ain’t a damn thing more American than Sierra Nevada. Named after a mountain range along the Oregon Trail, after all. Approved.

Now, it’s time to pour a glass.

DON’T TREAD! Now, it’s time to taste it.

The Germans are good at that beer they made. Shoutout to them forever for it. I should take pride in “my people”. You see, on both sides of my family, my ancestors arrived in the United States from Germany in the late 1800s. Four generations later, I came along. And you know what? They can root for Germany in the World Cup all they want. They are Germans. I am a real American.

I. I believe. I believe that we will win or at least maybe get a draw or if we lose that Portugal and Ghana will draw or the winner will have an insufficient goal differential to advance out of the group over the United States. Game on.