GAMBLING TIP: Bet the teams which rank the lowest on this list, as they are the teams which will win the Super Bowl. All sports are bad.
12. Arizona Cardinals: In another year, this might not be my least favorite team for the playoffs. But in light of present circumstances: a conniving billionaire-by-inheritance wiener who is incapable of being loved trying to leverage St. Louis's football team so that a western city will pretend to like him...nope. Not happening. I have no issues with the Arizona Cardinals, their coaches (Bruce Arians seems unpleasant but he's an undeniably terrific coach), nor their fans, but as long as a Bidwill owns them, I will root for them to fail.
11. New England Patriots: That a team could sign one of my five favorite football players ever in Steven Jackson, a player who is extraordinarily worthy of playoff success and overall football happiness, and that they could still not crack my top ten of likable playoff teams says an awful lot about their history of crimes against football. Rob Gronkowski is fine, even if his act has grown a bit tired, but with the exceptions of him and Jackson, there's not a likable player in the bunch. Also, their coaching staff still includes Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniels. There is a 100% chance this year's Super Bowl is Arizona vs. New England. I might just re-watch Super Bowl XXXIV on DVD instead. The way football has gone for me lately, the Titans will probably win it, but that's still a whole lot better than either of these teams winning.
10. Green Bay Packers: They have their share of steroid users, but that's not a deal-breaker for me, really. Mike McCarthy is, thanks to Jim Caldwell not winning the Super Bowl he was in, the worst Super Bowl winning coach I can recall, but that doesn't make me hate him. The real problem with the Packers is their sanctimonious, obnoxious fans. In my experiences, no fan base has been less sympathetic to the Rams relocation than Packers fans (including local Packers fans), which was sadly predictable--Packers fans buy relentlessly into their own hype as The Best Fans In Football and seem to believe they are fans of a morally superior way of life rather than "oh hey, here's a football team that's absolutely never bad, let me be a fan of them." Screw these honkies.
9. Seattle Seahawks: Remember last year when the most likable thing about the Seahawks was Marshawn Lynch? He may not even play on Sunday. Without Lynch, we are stuck with their dog-whistle-inducing quarterback, their proven cheater (in college) truther coach, their overrated 21-st century Boz cornerback, and the 12TH FAN, another fan base totally wrapped up in the idea that their fan base has a divine right to football success, blissfully unaware that the team nearly moved to LA (which, to be fair, this applies to half of the NFL) in the 1990s thanks to the mediocre attendance the Seahawks had back when they weren't good every single year.
8. Washington R******s: Seriously, change your nickname. Also, Dan Snyder sucks for reasons which do not include their morally reprehensible nickname, but also for their morally reprehensible nickname.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers: The only team in the playoffs that I saw play in person this year, I had the great honor of sitting in the visitor's section. I tried yelling some trash talk about the Pirates to no avail, which is because they don't air a ton of Pirates home telecasts in their homes in St. Peters. Fun fact: I had a coworker one time who was an avid Pittsburgh Steelers fan who was eventually fired for telling a coworker (not me) that she was going to kick their ass. Also, the Steelers have a quarterback who was once jailed for murdering countless dogs, which makes him their second least likable quarterback. Redeemed largely by virtue of having Antonio Bae, the greatest wide receiver in NFL history.
6. Kansas City Chiefs: They have a few genuinely likable players: Jeremy Maclin, Eric Berry, Justin Houston. They don't really have any unlikable players: Alex Smith is boring but ultimately harmless. Andy Reid's ability to look like a tomato in team colors is charming. But that stupid Tomahawk Chop, man. They should be relieved that Washington's nickname deflects all negative attention that doing a mock-American Indian chant, at Arrowhead Stadium, with the nickname Chiefs, should cause. Also, this. And nobody cares about how loud your stupid crowd is. Also, the propensity for Chiefs fans to troll St. Louis for possibly losing the Rams (they're second only to Green Bay) in spite of tickets being available, in December, to see two playoff teams (they were playing the Bengals), FOR SIX DOLLARS. Yes, it was rainy and cold outside, but if the Rams owner actively trying to move the team isn't an excuse, why is this?
5. Cincinnati Bengals: A compelling reason in and of itself to root against the Bengals this week is A.J. McCarron. Look, I have nothing against A.J. McCarron--he was an overrated college quarterback in the sense that he was a game manager, but he was a GREAT game manager. He was on a team where all he had to do was not make mistakes and he NEVER made mistakes. But if he wins a playoff game before Andy Dalton, it's going to get unbearably stupid. No, McCarron should not be starting over Dalton. Dalton is good. You weirdos. Also, Jeremy Hill is the Mike Tirico of NFL players--in a field where there are a ton of awful people, granted, this guy tends to REALLY slide under the radar for being an awful person. Google Jeremy Hill if you must. And Mike Tirico, for that matter.
4. Houston Texans: The runaway train of J.J. Watt love went off the rails way too quickly. There's nothing to dislike about him, still: he just never was the amazing beacon for all that is good and right that people have tried to make him out to be. He's just a guy who plays football at a very high level. They get bonus points for Sanctimonious Internet Atheist Arian Foster being out for the season (after generations of obnoxious Evangelical Christians in the NFL, it seems like poetic justice that the first openly atheist NFL player would be totally insufferable about it to Ricky Gervais-esque levels). I still don't know anything about Brian Hoyer. You could tell me he was on the Rams for three seasons and I'd probably just nod and smile.
3. Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson is an obvious unlikable player (though his punishment from the NFL was an example of Roger Goodell exacting loud justice to make up for his previously lax justice with regards to Ray Rice), but aside from that, there's a lot to like. Teddy Bridgewater is fun because, as a black quarterback who happens to be a slow runner, some people are irrationally confused by him (never forget). Stefon Diggs is going to be a really fun player for years to come. The team is largely anonymous but this adds to their appeal. Also, they're an oft-tortured fanbase. But man, I hate that horn..
2. Denver Broncos: I'm really sick of this revisionist hatred of Peyton Manning. What's the logic of this, Snarky and Cynical Sports Internet? That he does a lot of commercials (are they preempting commercials you'd prefer to watch instead)? That he probably votes Republican (his main historic rival is a DONALD TRUMP supporter and Peyton probably supports Ted Cruz or something but the point is NOT TRUMP)? That in 2016, I can throw the ball harder than he can? This only adds to his appeal. How hilarious would it be if arguably the greatest quarterback in NFL history, notorious for sucking in the playoffs, won a Super Bowl with a throwing velocity somewhere in the vicinity of 1880s Federal League pitcher?
1. Carolina Panthers: Did you know people still hate Cam Newton? How weird is that? It was one thing to root against him in college, when his possibly accepting money from boosters is against the rules, whether you like the rules or not. But look at what he is now. He's more hated nationally than Ben Roethlisberger, somehow. He's a dual threat quarterback but he's huge, so he's far less susceptible to the injury risks normal about dual threat quarterbacks. And he led his team to a 15-1 season with his best wide receiver being TED GINN. Also, there's "Third Leg" Greg Olsen. There's owner Jerry Richardson, a fierce advocate for the NFL in St. Louis. There's Luke Kuechly. There's the fact that if this 15-1 team wins the Super Bowl, they will have equaled the '85 Bears, and by definition, you have to put them in the same group. And Michael Wilbon will freeeeeeeeak out about this. Go Panthers.
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