The Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show sucked.
Seriously, it was terrible. It was a famous halftime show, because of the comically oversized controversy surrounding people who weren't me seeing Janet Jackson's right breast. But it was bad.
You may be asking yourself, "Wait, John, you're a sports fan. You didn't watch Super Bowl XXXVIII?" Of course I did! I even started watching the halftime show but my attention drifted because it was a boring hodgepodge of musical mediocrity. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake were the least of the show's problems, with P. Diddy, Nelly, and Kid Rock (seriously, the NHL was getting roasted last weekend for having to settle for him for their All-Star Game, and 14 years ago he did THE HALFTIME SHOW AT THE SUPER BOWL) taking the stage. So I got bored and played a handheld Tetris game instead.
A lot has changed since then. Janet Jackson became a musical pariah for reasons I do not understand beyond sexism (this is probably most of it) while Justin Timberlake's next single was a "House of Jealous Lovers" homage. What a world! But relevantly, the Super Bowl halftime show became more focused on one specific artist rather than a medley of popular artists past and present. Of course, if the NFL had considered how popular the U2 halftime show two years prior had been, they perhaps could have realized this was the direction to go, but the NFL has never exactly known for being cutting-edge.
Here is a ranking of the thirteen mini-concerts held during halftime of the Super Bowl since the last time Justin Timberlake took the stage. It remains to be seen where JT Part II will slot. He's apparently not actually going to have a Prince hologram on stage with him, so that's a start.
13. Super Bowl XLV: The Black Eyed Peas featuring Usher, and Slash
For about a year, the Black Eyed Peas were HUGE. They were popular longer than that, but for a while, they were the biggest band in the world. And while "Let's Get It Started" fits the Super Bowl aesthetic in a fairly obvious way, their intergalactic 2009 hits "Boom Boom Pow" and "I Gotta Feeling" did not. And was anybody really asking for Fergie to cover "Sweet Child O' Mine"?
12. Super Bowl XLIV: The Who
The entire point of The Who was relentless energy. They are a necessary touchstone in the invention of punk rock. Prime Who would be perfect for this spot. But by 2010, Keith Moon and John Entwistle were dead and Roger Daltrey's once-legendary voice had clearly deteriorated. They stuck to their 1969 and later discography, which was a mostly good idea (does anybody really want to hear a man in his mid-sixties saying "I hope I die before I get old"?) but it meant they were stuck with a fairly monotonous performance. And the less said about Daltrey's "Won't Get Fooled Again" scream, the better.
11. Super Bowl XL: The Rolling Stones
For rock and roll dinosaurs, the Stones have aged relatively well and they covered over forty years of music with their three songs. "Start Me Up", the last truly major Rolling Stones hit, was a logical choice, and their next choice, the months-old single "Rough Justice", was a surprising pick, but it is one of the better Stones singles of their decidedly post-peak era. They closed out with "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction", with Mick Jagger acknowledging a fact that was abundantly obvious given the "energy" of the performance--that they could have played the song at Super Bowl I. While the Rolling Stones are one of the great rock and roll bands of all-time, this performance was not one of their highlights. Their lethargy was understandable given their age, but unlike the previous year's performer, who could hide behind a piano, energy is their game. And it was lacking.
10. Super Bowl XLIX: Katy Perry featuring Lenny Kravitz and Missy Elliott
There were nine songs performed. Nine! Six were Perry's, and dancing sharks were the most iconic part of it. The song selection was mostly good--she performed the only two Katy Perry songs really worth ever listening to ("Dark Horse" and "Teenage Dream") and it's kind of hard to not close out with your hit called "Firework", even if it's not a very good song. Lenny Kravitz was a bizarre addition to the show, especially considering he didn't perform any of his own songs (to the extent that Lenny Kravitz songs are "his own")--presumably, the NFL didn't want Perry herself singing "I Kissed a Girl", lest the diversion from the Human Demolition Derby that is an NFL game be sullied by lesbian undertones. Missy Elliott was fine but her pop culture moment was so brief that there were absolutely no surprises about what would be performed.
9. Super Bowl XLVI: Madonna featuring LMFAO, M.I.A., Nicki Minaj, and Cee Lo Green
The closest post-Janet halftime show to a pre-Janet ensemble, this show would have been better as a more Madonna-centric endeavor--the world did not really need to hear "Music" as a medley with the instantly-forgotten LMFAO nor did "Give Me All Your Luvin" need to be included at all, other than as an excuse to trot out M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj. I assume Cee Lo was there as a way to market The Voice, which airs on the same network broadcasting the game. Bonus points to Madonna for not playing "Like a Virgin", a song she correctly dislikes.
8. Super Bowl XLVII: Beyonce featuring Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams
Her halftime headlining came at a transition period in Beyonce's career--she had cultivated the Sasha Fierce stage persona but didn't quite have the songs that matched it ("Run the World" matched it a bit, but not quite to the level of songs from her self-titled album or Lemonade). "Crazy in Love" was a given, but the reunion with Destiny's Child was mostly unnecessary (who was going to really complain if Beyonce had just done "Bootylicious" on her own?) and I will remain on my "Single Ladies" is one of the worst pop songs in recent memory soapbox regardless of how many people don't agree. That said, Beyonce could sing the phone book and it'd be an acceptable show.
7. Super Bowl XLII: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
It was Petty's nature to be workmanlike and his M.O. for Super Bowl Sunday was a solid performance and this is precisely, no more and no less, what he offered. He focused a bit more on big hits than perhaps would have made for the most energetic show--"American Girl" and "Runnin' Down a Dream" were correct picks, but opting for "Free Fallin" rather than something which more captures the energy of the Heartbreakers or the Super Bowl was playing it a bit too safe. Still, it was a good performance by a good band, even if they were a bit too conservative for my cantankerous liking.
6. Super Bowl XLIII: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Jokes about sportswriters being infatuated with The Boss aside, there isn't a Baby Boomer rock star who has aged quite as immaculately as Springsteen. He mixed obvious ("Born to Run", "Glory Days") with less obvious (the album track/concert staple "Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out", his new album's "Working on a Dream"). Like Petty's performance the year before, it was more or less what one would expect from a Springsteen halftime show, though I'm giving Bruce, an artist whose music I generally like less, a slight edge for better capturing the energy of the event.
5. Super Bowl XXXIX: Paul McCartney
To avoid controversy following Nipplegate (a stupid term I will only use once here), the NFL went with Paul McCartney, the Living Dean of English-Language Popular Music. Because he is arguably the most popular songwriter of the rock and roll era, Sir Paul had countless hits from which to choose, opting for a fairly simple concert of two big but not overdone Beatles hits ("Drive My Car" and "Get Back"), a Wings hit ("Live and Let Die"), and "Hey Jude", a song he is obliged thanks to a pact with Satan to include in all of his setlists. He could've gone more adventurous and I might have enjoyed it more but it's hard to argue against his largely upbeat, solid performance.
4. Super Bowl LI: Lady Gaga
The modern (fill in name of whatever eclectic, talented as all hell musician you want--I'll go with David Bowie but this is your call), Lady Gaga brought back the solo show and it paid off. Following a pre-recorded "God Bless America" and "This Land Is Your Land" intro, Gaga went through six of her biggest hits, with her somber "Million Reasons" interrupting the dance-pop of the rest of the set. It sticks out like a sore thumb, but I suppose it's unreasonable to expect a non-legacy halftime act to not do some self-promotion by playing their newest hit. Claims of political overtones, I believe, were highly overstated if not totally invented--this was just one of her era's most provocative performers performing provocatively. As you were.
3. Super Bowl 50: Coldplay featuring Beyonce and Bruno Mars
Man, the NFL really wasn't sure about Coldplay, were they? Chris Martin and company were partnered with two recent previous Super Bowl headliners, and while Coldplay, a band whose live identity is built on trying to be U2 but without nearly the track record of songs, seemed like a risky choice, but they were fine. Bruno Mars only had one hit since his last halftime performance, but it was everywhere, so performing "Uptown Funk" with Mark Ronson was a given. Next, Beyonce performed "Formation", a song released the day before. The three acts joined forced for a mini-Coldplay medley; unlike previous, mediocre medleys, the three acts (essentially co-headliners when all was said and done) had established themselves on stage and the whole thing worked.
2. Super Bowl XLVIII: Bruno Mars featuring Red Hot Chili Peppers
Bruno Mars, despite a number of hits, felt like such an underwhelming headliner that the NFL seemed to threw the Chili Peppers in there at random, but it was Bruno Mars who stole the show. In many ways, Bruno Mars is the ideal halftime show performer--he has hits, yes, but he also has pure energy and multi-instrumental talent while also being middle of the road enough to not upset older viewers. Bruno himself was awesome--it was just completely unnecessary to have Anthony Kiedis anywhere near his stage.
1. Super Bowl XLI: Prince
The gold standard. Prince focused on the spectacle of the event and highlighted the things that made him an icon: his eclecticism (who the hell expected a Foo Fighters cover?), his incomparable wail, and his jaw-dropping guitar shredding. It is pure, dumb luck that it started raining in Miami just as Prince segued into "Purple Rain" but the Super Bowl is all about the greatest the game has to offer hoping to line up their talents with luck in a bid for immortality. Prince did that.
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