My March Bandness Bracket

To say that I have a love/hate relationship with the St. Louis rock radio station KSHE-95 would be an understatement.  On one hand, it’s the closest thing to a true classic rock radio station I had growing up and hence listened to it quite a bit in my old 1998 Ford Escort.  On the other hand, they make quite boneheaded choices on what music to play.  For God’s sake, what classic rock station never plays The Beatles?  Plays more Metallica songs from the Load/Reload era than from the pre-Black Album era?  Hasn’t played a British band since Def Leppard?

While my current car has a CD player and thus I have had minimal need for KSHE’s existence, it’s hard not to check out its March Bandness bracket.  Like many American classic rock stations, KSHE puts together a 64 band bracket and  listeners vote for bands and, if you’re KSHE, Sammy Hagar inexplicably wins.  Why?  Is it because KSHE fans are rednecks who like listening to the blandest possible form of loud rawk?  Answer: Yes.  So I decided to play out my own bracket.

K Bracket

Led Zeppelin vs. Thin Lizzy: This borders on unfair.  Lizzy’s probably a touch underrated as a 16 seed, and just in general.  Phil Lynott is one of the most underrated frontmen of all-time but, well, it’s Led Zeppelin.  This doesn’t need much explanation.  Zeppelin wins.

Boston vs. The Police: Boston, the 8 seed, is a quintessential classic rock band—it’s not that they’re bad, because they’re not.  It’s not that I don’t find some of their music entertaining, because I do.  But why do they get so much goddamned radio play?  Because they had one album which so carefully treaded the line between hard rock and soft rock that every suburban kid in America in 1977 had a copy?  While Boston was making safe, generic rock ballads and “anthems” in the late 1970s, The Police were making love songs from the perspectives of prostitute solicitors, schoolteachers, and stalkers.  Come on.  The Police win hands down.  The actual listeners voted Boston.  Dumb bastards.

ZZ Top vs. Bachman-Turner Overdrive: Fun fact about the 12 seed here—I’ve never met anyone in my life who particularly likes BTO.  Nobody hates them, but who is a fan?  ZZ Top, while the absolute favorite band of very few, at least has several of the qualities one would  ask of their favorite band—diverse and unique songs, a sense of humor, and the coolest fucking beards I could ever aspire to grow.  ZZ Top for the win.

The Doors vs. 38 Special: I’m slightly conflicted here in that my brain says pick The Doors but my heart says pick 38 Special.  It’s impossible to think of The Doors’ great songs like ‘Light My Fire’ or ‘Break on Through’ without also considering pretentious, boring rock odysseys like ‘The End.’  On the other hand, The Doors owned their scene.  All the other great bands of the day were from England or San Francisco but The Doors owned L.A.  For all their pretensions, there was a window where they were a truly big, truly important band.  On the other hand, it’s hard to think of 38 Special as something other than “the band that the Lynyrd Skynyrd guy’s brother was in before he did those stupid country albums with his other untalented brother.”  I’ll vote The Doors on this one.

Judas Priest vs. Kansas: I have Kansas going out in the Big Dance to a school named after a Catholic Saint.  I have the band Kansas going out to a band named after the man who betrayed Jesus.  I couldn’t resist this poetry.  Also, Kansas (the band) sucks.  And Judas Priest generally sucks less.

Guns N’ Roses vs. The Cars: It’s a 3/14 on the KSHE bracket but for me this is more like a 7/10 in terms of closeness.  Both are bands that had fantastic debuts (everyone knows Appetite for Destruction, but check out the track listing for The Cars and tell me it doesn’t look like a Greatest Hits album) and then sort of meandered for a while, “trying” to recapture its prior glory.  I would consider going with The Cars due to GNR desecrating its legacy with these stupid reformed lineups, but since they’ve done the same damn thing (Todd Rundgren replacing Ric Ocasek AND BEN ORR IS DEAD?  How can you call that The Cars?), I’ll go with Slash+Axl+3 Other Guys Who Don’t Matter.

The Who vs. U2: This is a 7/10.  Why the fuck it’s a 7/10, I can’t explain that.  After I typed that sentence, I started humming a Who song (take a guess which one).  But that sums up this matchup and what separates the two bands.  U2 has good songs but these songs aren’t really ingrained into English-language culture in the way that The Who is.  I mean, would you be willing to trust someone who didn’t like ‘My Generation’, or who didn’t get excited during the power chords of ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’?  Pete Townshend is a humble guy so he would probably go with U2.  He might be the only one.  The Who win.

Van Halen vs. Steppenwolf: VH shouldn’t be a 2, but they deserve a win against Steppenwolf.  Why?  Van Halen once had a lineup which included one man named David Lee Roth and two men named Van Halen.  And that band made the blueprint for many (albeit crappy) hard rock bands to follow.  If you insist on blasting classic rock while driving through a Jack in the Box drive-thru in your dirty El Camino, you can do worse than Van Halen.  While these same principles apply to two Steppenwolf songs, this is two songs.  VH wins on duration.

Led Zeppelin vs. The Police: This matchup is unfair.  Two of my all-time favorite bands competing against each other.  I know that just about anyone reading this is going to go with Led Zeppelin and I won’t criticize your choice.  But I have to go with The Police.  Zeppelin, fair or not, may not have been a *necessary* band at the time—the Beatles and Stones were still around and well and Black Sabbath wasn’t far away from the more metallic side.  The Police came around when punk rock, a once energetic and awesome subgenre, was in danger of dumbing down rock even further, and saved the universe from disco.  Many criteria would enable me to pick LZ, but not “Which band do you prefer?”  Police advance.

ZZ Top vs. The Doors: Am I allowed to advance Zeppelin?  Why not?  Okay, fine.  Anyway, last round The Doors won because they were going against a down-and-dirty Southern Rock band with insufficient songs.  ZZ Top has the songs.  ZZ Top was the best thing to come out of Texas before Lance Berkman.  While I suspect many of you would instinctively go with The Doors, let me ask you this—who would you rather have playing on a long car trip?  I rest my case.  ZZ Top advances.

Judas Priest vs. Guns N’ Roses: Judas Priest is a touch overrated on the grounds that, well, one of their biggest hits, ‘Livin After Midnight’ isn’t a very good song.  It’s also not a hard rock song.  It’s a shade below T. Rex on the heavy meter.  But apparently if you wear homosexual S&M gear on stage (this isn’t a gay slur—Judas Priest was wearing stuff that openly gay singer Rob Halford was buying at sex stores, which is awesome to think of how many of their homophobic moron fans didn’t get this), it makes you heavy.  They’re an elaborate sideshow while GNR, at least for a few years, were the real deal.  GNR lives.

The Who vs. Van Halen: Remember a few minutes ago when I said The Who were ingrained in our culture and I made fun of Van Halen fans as driving El Caminos in Jack in the Box drive-thrus?  I mean, who do you really think I’m going to pick?

The Police vs. ZZ Top: Yeah…I’m going with The Police.  Big shocker I’m sure.

Guns N’ Roses vs. The Who: They’re kind of similar bands if you think about it, in that both came out and were an immediate force of nature.  But The Who had a long-lasting, excellent career and GNR has devolved into a joke.   The Who win.

The Police vs. The Who: Now THIS is a regional final.  Two great (not good) British rock bands.  One quintessentially British; one a true band of the world.  Now, The Who had a longer career, but to be fair, there were a lot of lags in there.  They had about a two year period when they started out, a three year period between Who’s Next and Quadrophenia, and then a lot of mixed results.  The Police were only together for six years of actual recording but they were a tremendous band for each of those years.  While The Who changed musically, their evolution wasn’t necessarily a positive—yeah, they had ‘Baba O’Riley’ but they also had a lot of songs that were way too long and way too self-important (See: ‘Who Are You’).  The Police grew and improved—their much more adult Synchronicity songs weren’t as exciting as ‘Roxanne’ but they were in many ways better.  Advantage: The Police.

S Bracket

Rush vs. ELO: Only in St. Louis would Rush be a one seed.  Hell, if Geddy Lee’s family had this bracket, they’d probably be around a three or four at best.  I’m tempted to go with ELO on principle that Rush shouldn’t be a one seed, but 1. Sammy Hagar may still yet be a one so I have time; 2. Rush is simply a better band with better songs.  Rush advances.

Bad Company vs. Steve Miller Band: As a musical prick, Steve Miller is something of a guilty pleasure.  For a band that gets almost no heraldry from the rock establishment, they’ve made half a dozen iconic songs that everybody knows.  BadCo has ‘Feel Like Makin Love’ and a bunch of other songs that get played on KSHE a lot right about when I change the channel.  Steve Miller in a 9/8 landslide.

Motley Crue vs. Bruce Springsteen: KSHE 95—where Motley Crue is a five seed and Springsteen is a twelve.  AND MOTLEY CRUE WON.  Now, the Crue is a guilty pleasure for me, and Bruce is a bit overrated, but come on.  I’m going with Springsteen on the grounds that if you put a gun to my head, I couldn’t say with a straight face, “Motley Crue is a better band than Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.”

Eric Clapton vs. Jethro Tull: Jethro Tull?  Under what KSHE criteria is Jethro Tull in this bracket?  Are we counting music they play at 9:30 a.m. on Sundays?  Now, Clapton’s solo career can’t really hold a candle to Cream or Derek and the Dominoes, but it certainly can compared to Jethro Fucking Tull.

Scorpions vs. Kiss: I will always, out of obligation, call Scorpions (note, as with Eagles, the lack of “The”) a West German band.  For I prefer to think that only a world in which the Berlin Wall was pertinent could foster Scorpions.  They made ‘The Zoo’, which to me is an underrated gem of brain-dead rawk, but most of their work manages to out-dumb even Kiss.  Kiss advances based on simply having MORE of the stupid songs, but congrats in advance to whomever wins the next matchup (which I have yet to look at) for advancing to the Sweet Sixteen.

Jimi Hendrix vs. Blue Oyster Cult: Welp, that makes it easy.  With all due respect to BOC, who I don’t hate, I must defer to Jimi Hendrix, whose quality transcends not hating him.  Short run, sure, but Hendrix’s three albums are treated as contemporary, as though we’re just waiting for the Experience to reunite.  Hendrix, easily.

Tom Petty vs. George Thorogood: I’m going with Tom Petty.  And if you don’t understand why I’m going with Tom Petty over George Thorogood, may God have mercy on your soul.

Ozzy Osbourne vs. Billy Squier: This seems to be a round of really, really easy matchups.  Now, if Squier had been replaced by a similar quality, somewhat different genre artist (say, Bryan Adams), I’d still go with Ozzy Osbourne but then I’d have to at least navigate stylistic differences.  As it stands, it’s a blowout.  Ozzy wins.

Rush vs. Steve Miller: For a second straight region, the one seed will fail to advance to the Sweet 16.  Now, both bands deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  But Steve Miller, according to iTunes, had his eighth most essential song as ‘Swingtown.’  Eighth.  A song that you’ve heard a billion times on every classic rock station ever is eighth, and all seven songs before it belong before it.  His level of underratedness is mind-blowing to me.  Rush is the harder rocking Doors—lyrically pretentious, often boring, and though often transcendent, the weaknesses hamper them.

Bruce Springsteen vs. Eric Clapton: This is a tough one for me in many ways, mostly because I kind of don’t care.  They both have some good songs as well as many songs I guess I just don’t get.  Quality wise it’s largely a wash, so I’ll side with the answer to “Who would I rather see in concert?”  And that’s an easy one.  Springsteen advances.

Kiss vs. Jimi Hendrix: See above.  Hendrix wins.

Tom Petty vs. Ozzy Osbourne: Seeing as (I assume) Black Sabbath is a separate entity and seeing as Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (I assume) won’t be, I’ll have to side with Petty on this one.  Ozzy’s solo work, while good, wasn’t the inventive force of Black Sabbath.  Tom Petty wasn’t that inventive either, but his music was better.  Thus he wins.

Steve Miller vs. Bruce Springsteen: I hate that Hendrix and Petty are the other semi because that’s frankly a stronger matchup for me.  But I have to continue Steve Miller’s Cinderella run (they’re a better seed than Springsteen, but meh).  The songs that supposedly define Springsteen are songs like ‘Badlands’ and ‘Thunder Road’ and other songs I don’t care if I never hear again.  Yet if you told me I don’t get to hear ‘Jet Airliner’ again, I will fight you.

Jimi Hendrix vs. Tom Petty: Just a necessary observation: I have never in my life heard Tom Petty played on KSHE.  Not that he shouldn’t be, because he should, but why is KSHE all of a sudden pretending Tom Petty is an artist they play?  It’s ironic because Petty kind of looks like the archetypal KSHE listener, but Hendrix gets far more play even though he doesn’t look like the archetypal KSHE listener (i.e. he’s a minority).  Both artists are good, but Hendrix changed the world.  Advantage Hendrix.

Steve Miller vs. Jimi Hendrix: I love ya, Steve Miller.  But it’s Jimi Hendrix.  Onward to the Final Four.

H Bracket

AC/DC vs. Billy Idol: An interesting matchup in that it’s two artists that sound exactly alike on every song.  So the question is simply “Whose song do you prefer?”  And, well, it’s not close.  AC/DC advances as a 1.

Eagles vs. John Mellencamp: It’s really trendy to hate on the Eagles, and I’m sure that later on down the road I will, but for now, I’m going with them.  Really on the merits of ‘Hotel California’ alone.  What Mellencamp song do you want to compare against it?  ‘Hurts So Good?’ ‘Authority Song?’ ‘Pink Houses?’  Get off my lawn.  Eagles advance.

Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Heart: Why is it always Heart?  There’s some kind of law in these tournaments that a female-led act must be present, but really, why not The Pretenders?  Yeah, Heart had a few good songs in the late 1970s, but nothing great.  They never had a song as epic as ‘Free Bird’ or an album as consistently solid as Second Helping.  Skynyrd advances, thus keeping the Confederates alive.

REO Speedwagon vs. Dire Straits: Let’s be honest—REO is going to run away with this when it comes to actual voting.  But I’m going to opt for the FIghtin’ Knopflers here.  It’s this simple—when you think of Dire Straits, you think of one of the most important music videos of all time and a MTV-savvy rock group which still embraced the roots of rock (and also possibly you think of headbands).  When you think of REO Speedwagon, it’s godawful power ballads.  And yes, I’m familiar with the songs ‘Like You Do’ and ‘Golden Country’.  But I don’t care.  I’m still going with Dire Straits.

Ted Nugent vs. Jefferson Airplane: Um, why is this a matchup?  Anyway, while I was willing to appease the rednecks with Skynyrd, that’s because Lynyrd Skynyrd is good.  Ted Nugent isn’t.  ‘White Rabbit’ did more to positively influence rock than Ted Nugent has done to influence crossbow hunting.

Black Sabbath vs. Loverboy: I’m not going to analyze this one.  I’m simply going to advance a band and if you don’t know who I’m picking, please quit reading.  You don’t deserve to read my words.

Styx vs. Alice Cooper: Both bands are sort of schlocky but Alice Cooper came from arguably the coolest American rock scene ever (late 1960s Detroit) and legend has it that Johnny Rotten got in the Sex Pistols after miming ‘I’m Eighteen.’  Also, Styx sucks.  Fuck Adam Sandler for convincing people of my generation that Styx doesn’t completely blow.

Pink Floyd vs. Deep Purple: Deep Purple, it should be said, has a handful of songs that absolutely are comparable with Pink Floyd from a pure quality perspective.  However, Pink Floyd has far more of these songs.  Also, they have far more musical diversity (note the psychedelia of their Syd Barrett work and the spacey, not at all drug influenced 1970s sound).  Pink Floyd advances.

AC/DC vs. Eagles: Okay, NOW I’ll hate on the Eagles.  They sort of suck.  Now, they do have a few good songs but they mostly exist so my mom can claim to like a rock band.  It’s sort of the John Mayer of the 1970s, if Mayer was occasionally good.  But with that said, AC/DC is a clear winner here.

Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Dire Straits: Hmm, a band that would hang the Confederate flag during concerts versus a band whose biggest hit was censored for using the word “faggot” and was also, albeit less convincingly, accused of being anti-black.  With that said, Dire Straits is something of a relic—they were really popular in 1985 and had a hit in the late seventies but that’s about it.  While Skynyrd was around for a surprisingly low amount of time (and don’t tell me that an incarnation without Ronnie Van Zant is really Lynyrd Skynyrd), their music has held up quite a bit.  Skynyrd advances.

Jefferson Airplane vs. Black Sabbath: If you thought I was picking Loverboy, first of all leave.  Second, this is an interesting matchup because both bands are influential in completely different genres (ironic, as both bands were pretty damn pro-drug and anti-war and didn’t exactly seem to have opposite worldviews).  But while Jefferson Airplane influenced a genre that quickly died and never really resuscitated, Black Sabbath invented heavy metal.  People can say Zeppelin did, but it was truly Black Sabbath who made that heavy, dark sound a force to be reckoned with.  Sabbath advances.

Alice Cooper vs. Pink Floyd: I’ve never bought an Alice Cooper album or song in my life.  I, like every other human being on the planet, have bought a Pink Floyd album.  Are they overrated?  Maybe.  But they’re undeniably important and unique.  Pink advances.

AC/DC vs. Lynyrd Skynyrd: For all intents and purposes, these are both redneck bands.  Just as I imagine Skynyrd shows in the 1970s reeked of pot and Busch, I imagine AC/DC shows reeked of pot and Fosters.  They were both somewhat retro, back-to-basics bands that thrived due to simplicity, but no band evokes that pathos quite like AC/DC.  Also, unlike Lynyrd Skynyrd, who continue to desecrate the memory of their departed frontman (Really?  The band that hung Confederate flags and played at Jimmy Carter rallies is singing about the Red White and Blue while endorsing George W. Bush?), AC/DC continues to honor Bon Scott not through flowery tributes, but through ass-kicking rock and roll music.  AC/DC gets my vote here.

Black Sabbath vs. Pink Floyd: Wow, two extremely different bands.  Both unique, both influential, so for me it’s a pretty simple decision to make: Which band do I like listening to more?  If I’m driving on the highway so I want Dark Side of the Moon or Paranoid playing?  You can argue the artistic merits all you want, but I’m choosing Paranoid.  And thus I’m choosing Black Sabbath.

AC/DC vs. Black Sabbath: I enjoy both of these bands.  So for once I’m going on artistic merit.  AC/DC is basically a Chuck Berry cover band—simple rock songs, putting on a great show but not really doing anything you haven’t seen before.  There’s something to be admired about that, but there’s something even more to be admired about Black Sabbath, who did their own thing and continue to be the best band their genre has ever produced.  Black Sabbath is on to the Final Four.

E Bracket

Sammy Hagar vs. Allman Brothers Band: To those of you who are not from St. Louis, this may puzzle you, but let me explain this: SAMMY HAGAR IS A ONE SEED.  In St. Louis, Sammy Hagar is considered worthy of a one seed.  Is Sammy Hagar even an entry when different stations in different markets do these things?  Possibly, but certainly not a one.  I need not explain this but I will: ‘Whipping Post’ and ‘Midnight Rider’ are so much better than ‘I Can’t Drive 55’ that saying otherwise should be considered heresy.  16 beats a 1.  Allmans live on.

Bob Seger vs. Foreigner: I’m taking the liberty here of assuming this entails Bob Seger as a solo artist, with the Silver Bullet Band, and most importantly, with the Bob Seger System.  Now, Seger’s time as a popular artist puts him on roughly equal footing with Foreigner, but his time as a great (not good, great) hard rocker in the late 1960s, where he was absolutely comparable to the Stooges or the MC5, gives him an easier-than-you-might-expect victory.

Queen vs. Eddie Money: Oh please.  Queen.

Def Leppard vs. Cheap Trick: This may be the hardest matchup to this point.  Def Leppard is more popular and is thus more overrated but they have some good songs.  Cheap Trick has, well, a roughly equal number of good songs.  Though I’d say the good songs are better.  As in more songs that I’d actually seek to hear rather than acknowledge are on the radio and not change the channel.  Cheap Trick advances.

Rolling Stones vs. Doobie Brothers: Now, I imagine the Rolling Stones will win this running away, but why do I have a feeling they might not?  Well, anyway, they should.  Let’s not overthink it—the Doobies at their best sounded like a band worthy of opening for the Rolling Stones.

Stevie Ray Vaughn vs. Bon Jovi: Now, I have a long and glorious history of hating Bon Jovi, but this isn’t a total blowout.  SRV, while talented, has a wildly overrated catalogue (i.e. he has very few songs worth mentioning).  But those songs, unlike the best Bon Jovi songs, are actually good.  SRV moves on.

Journey vs. Foghat: Foghat made ‘Slow Ride’.  It’s not a great song, but it’s a song with a certain lowbrow appeal.  Journey made ‘Don’t Stop Believin’, and thanks to some sort of illogical governmental protocol, they have yet to be deported for such a crime against humanity.  Foghat wins, by which I mean they advance.

Aerosmith vs. Yes: Both are sort of second tier acts of genres—Aerosmith being a blander Rolling Stones and Yes being a more up-tempo (Peter Gabriel era) Genesis.  In the same regard, picking this is like picking the Stones vs. Genesis, which isn’t close either.  Aerosmith advances.

Allman Brothers vs. Bob Seger: This may be a mild upset to some but I’m going with Seger.  The Allmans have some worthwhile songs but I’ve never in my life gotten sick of listening to ‘2+2=?’

Queen vs. Cheap Trick: Remember back when Queen was an easy win and Cheap Trick was a tough win?  Well, Queen doesn’t win by AS much, but still, not a huge challenge.  Part of me wants to see Cheap Trick somehow beat Queen (odds are they won’t face them but I dare dream) and then have KSHE call up Robin Zander and say, “Hey, our listeners voted you guys better than Queen.”  And then Robin can respond, “Who is your target demographic?  Teenage Japanese girls in 1979?”  And then all can be right with the world.

Rolling Stones vs. Stevie Ray Vaughn: Stevie has talent, the Stones have songs.  Easy win here.

Foghat vs. Aerosmith: Let me be perfectly clear—Foghat is only here because their first round matchup was one of the worst bands in human history.  But now they’ll have to bow out.

Bob Seger vs. Queen: The Cinderella story is over for Seger.  A couple good albums can’t reasonably compare to the loaded Queen catalogue.

Rolling Stones vs. Aerosmith: This is an interesting matchup in how uninteresting it is.  Aerosmith, as I and many others have said, is an Americanized version of the Rolling Stones.  At their best, they match the Stones.  At their worst, they fall well short.  Rolling Stones win.

Queen vs. Rolling Stones: This is a brutally Apples and Oranges comparison.  You can’t even put it in an era context because while both were making good music in the mid to late 1970s, it’s hard to dispute Queen was better at the time.  The concert question doesn’t really apply either—how can you choose between them?  To which I point out—if their songs were truly equal, I should have picked Queen running away.  The Rolling Stones are considered a good live band, but not a once in a lifetime live band.  Yet because of the quality and quantity of their songs they beat Queen.

Final Four:

The Police vs. Black Sabbath: Really, it’s a tough call.  Both are great, great bands with tremendous songs.  But I have to opt for personal preference.  The Police are simply one of my absolute favorite bands, one of the few bands where I own basically everything they ever recorded and treasure every single song.  And since Oasis wasn’t in the bracket, The Police instantly seemed the act to beat, in spite of the fact they never get played on KSHE.  On the other hand, Black Sabbath made ‘Changes’, so it’s not like my pick is completely crazy.

Jimi Hendrix vs. The Rolling Stones: Here we go.  Back to the concert question—to me, it’s not a question.  It borders on unfair because the most famous Hendrix concert involves the Woodstock mythology and the most famous Stones concert involves the Hells Angels beating the shit out of people.  But Hendrix may have been the greatest individual talent in the history of the rock genre.  And while Keith Richards is one of the great riffers of all-time, he would admit he’s not in the Hendrix class.

The Police vs. Jimi Hendrix: Here’s the matchup.  In one corner, we have a multi-national trio influenced by reggae and jazz whose singer is a former English teacher and who named his solo debut The Dream of the Blue Turtles.  In the other corner we have a black guy.  KSHE fans are probably having an aneurysm reading this.  But I’m opting for the pretentious dweebery of The Police.  I can’t help it.  If you don’t like it, make your own damn bracket.