10 Great Rock Albums (Nearly) Ruined By One Of Its Biggest Tracks


Not a list, per se.  More just an arrangement of ten albums which are acclaimed, either by critics or me, which are quite good but are weighed down immensely by one of its better known tracks, which often are a complete pile of shit.  Here's ten classics which would be better without a certain song.

The Beatles--The Beatles (The White Album): Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.  Three songs from this album made their later career double-disc anthology.  Back in the USSR and While My Guitar Gently Weeps were correctly included.  What was third?  Blackbird?  Helter Skelter?  Or Paul McCartney's retarded tribute to how la la la life goes on.  Or something.

Bruce Springsteen--Born in the USA: Dancing in the Dark.  Seeing as this particular album had 28 commercial singles (citation needed), it seems borderline unfair to call a single one of its biggest track, but, well, it was the first single and it's his biggest chart hit and it had that video with Courteney Cox that for some reason Americans are expected to give a shit about existing.  While some of the singles of this album are quite average (No Surrender), only Dancing in the Dark completely blows.  But at least The Boss got to respond to the four fans out there who really got into Darkness on the Edge of Town but didn't think it was synthy enough.

The Cars--The Cars: My Best Friend's Girl.  This is an album that can't be considered underrated since most rock fans seem aware of its existence and its songs are quite well known, but I don't think a lot of people realize just how GREAT of an album this is.  The whole thing sounds like a greatest hits album, though this is unquestionably the worst of the hits.  I'm not entirely sure if it's the poor attempt to sound like Queen on vocal harmonies, the completely and totally forgettable instrumentation, or the stupid fucking Dane Cook movie, but this song just does not do it for me.

The Doors--The Doors: The End.  The Doors are so goddamned late-sixties.  About 60% of their songs are good and about 40% are pretentious bullshit.  Most of their debut is good.  Then comes the nearly twelve minute opus which existed (according to my theories) so that Marlon Brando had a song to die to.  I suspected and feared that once I hit college I'd start liking this song.  Luckily I was spared.

Led Zeppelin--Led Zeppelin IV: Stairway to Heaven.  LZ4, in my opinion, is in the tier of albums slightly below their first two and Houses of the Holy.  And it's because those songs didn't have a pile of shit like Stairway to Heaven to bog it down.  Oh, you say it's a popular song?  Is it popular because it's good or is it popular because douchebag high schoolers who are getting into guitar think learning how to play Stairway will make them deep?  Please, for the love of God, if you want an epic Zeppelin IV track, there's a reason He gave you When The Levee Breaks.

Lynyrd Skynyrd--Second Helping: Sweet Home Alabama.  No, seriously, this album is a quite eclectic mix of blues (The Ballad of Curtis Loew), hard rock (The Needle and the Spoon), and whatever else you want in between.  This patronizing ode to the sweet home of Not Lynyrd Skynyrd (from Jacksonville) became the defining track of the album though.  Ugh.

Nirvana--Nevermind: In Bloom.  Every other song on this album has something the others don't.  Teen Spirit has the fun Pixies vibe, Come As You Are has the seems-like-they're-intellectual-if-you-don't-actually-listen lyrics, Lithium has the guitar sound.  In Bloom has all of these things but worse than the other song.  In Bloom brings nothing to the table.  Cool video, though.

Oasis--What's the Story Morning Glory?: Don't Look Back in Anger.  This was the point where Noel Gallagher, being the arrogant dickhead that he is, decided, "You know how I have one of the best frontmen ever in my band/family?  Fuck him.  I'm going to, with my mediocre-at-best voice, start singing songs that Liam should clearly be singing.  And not even just doing Force of Nature or Falling Down or kind of mid-range songs that I might be better at, but songs which I clearly have no goddamned business singing.  Oh, and I'll also steal Imagine with absolutely no subtlety and when people point it out, I'll say it was an homage and get away with it."  That wanker.

Prince--Purple Rain: I Would Die 4 U: When Doves Cry--startlingly original.  Let's Go Crazy--rock powerhouse.  Purple Rain--an epic ballad.  And yet the single which followed in these footsteps was the most generic, eighties thing ever.  Mr. Nelson, you can do better than this.

Tom Petty--Full Moon Fever: Free Fallin.  Tom Petty made a questionable decision in launching a solo career (apparently most people didn't think he had been in the midst of one for the last dozen years), but the album turned out generally well.  Except this.  The reason people love Tom Petty is because he eschews boring ballads and makes songs like Refugee and The Waiting.  Not because he makes cheesy pop songs with videos that have prominent parts featuring skateboarders.

The Rightful NL All-Star Lineup (With Rebuttals from a Cardinal Nation Rep)


Nearly two months into the season, it becomes worth mentioning what players deserve to be NL starters this year.  And here's my list.  I'm basing my list exclusively, without exception, on who leads in Wins Above Replacement.  With that said, I found a St. Louis Cardinals homer extraordinaire who hopes to prove why I am incorrect in my assertions.

Catcher: A.J. Ellis of the Dodgers is OPSing over .900 and is playing Gold Glove caliber defense, almost out of nowhere.  Carlos Ruiz is having a career year but it's hard to argue with Ellis right now.

The Fan: Clayton Kershaw and Roy Halladay are making Ellis and Ruiz look good.  But Yadi *makes* the Cardinals pitchers.  Even if he batted .000, which he doesn't, he'd deserve to start.  He's such a leader, replacing Pujol$.  But Pujol$ doesn't deserve to be a starter and he shouldn't have with the Cardinals either because he sux and just plays for the money.

First Base: Joey Votto of the Reds, even though Bryan LaHair is positively raking, is the man for the job.  The former MVP is on-basing .457.

The Fan: Allen Craig is slugging .765.  HELLO?!?!  I don't care if he's slugging that with one at-bat, he's the man.  And he's doing it for Torty.  Oh, wait, he's not on the ballot and Berkman is?  Well, I'd vote for Lance Berkman then.  Puma Prance!

Second Base: The weakest position, to be sure, but I'll go with Omar Infante of Miami.  .568 slugging is easily the best among second basemen and although he's not a great fielder, options are limited.

The Fan: Options are limited?  How about the guy who has the best steals-to-plate appearances ratio in the NL and hit the best home run all season?  Tyler Greene, man!  Tyler Greene is amazing and deserves to be an All-Star.  NO I WASN'T JUST CALLING FOR THE CARDINALS TO DFA HIM.  I'M NOT A BANDWAGONER.

Shortstop: It's excruciatingly close between Furcal and Houston's Jed Lowrie, but Lowrie, with about the same OPS, is a better fielder, so I've gotta go Jed.

The Fan: RAFAEL FURCAL IS THE BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE, YOU IDIOT!

Third Base: This one isn't too hard.  David Wright of the Mets is killing it right now.  His on-base is over .500 for God's sake.  There is no argument.

The Fan: Um, has David Wright ever won a World Series?  Better yet, has David Wright ever won a World Series BY HIMSELF?  No, he hasn't, didn't think so.  David Freese won a World Series and it's all about championships.

Outfield: Ryan Braun, Matt Kemp, Carlos Beltran.   Left to right.

The Fan: You finally got SOMEBODY right.  But Ryan Braun does steroids, and Matt Holliday is guided to greatness by all-time baseball genius Mark McGwire.  And Matt Kemp doesn't win titles.  And Rihanna is an idiot--she should have dated Jon Jay instead!

Pitcher: Clayton Kershaw of the Dodgers won the Cy Young last year and has only gotten better. The difference between best and worst is minimal but I'm going with The Claw here.

The Fan: You watch last night, stupid?  Did you SEE Adam Wainwright dominate?  And he even cried because he cares about baseball!  You ever see Kershaw cry?  No?  Then shut up.

First of all, it's been way too long since I've posted anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7K8Uj3l3Ilk

But here goes...

Shirsey Search 2012

All good Cardinals fans have a shirsey, a t-shirt which has the appearance of a baseball jersey, in spite of 1. Being a t-shirt; 2. Being red rather than white or gray; 3. The fact that most Cardinals fans, including yours truly, looks dangerously unlike somebody who should participate in physical activity for a living.  But the shirsey is also a tremendous way to show support for one’s favorite players.

Now, my first shirsey was Larry Walker.  I basically had a choice between Larry Walker or Albert Pujols, as these were the two shirseys available.  I opted for Walker for a couple of reasons.  One, he was my favorite player on the 2005 Cardinals.  And two, everybody and their mother (this isn’t just an expression) owned a Pujols one.  The Walker shirsey was perfect…for the four months remaining in the season before Larry Walker was a former Cardinal.

I refrained from purchasing shirseys for the next half decade or so largely because there wasn’t a Cardinal who I deemed worthy of my money.  New Cardinals came and went and I just couldn’t bring myself to buy one.  Then, in 2011, when Lance Berkman came around, I knew I had my man.  He was similar to Walker—both were out-of-shape right fielders in the twilight of excellent, slightly below Hall of Fame standards careers whom I’d liked even as they played against the Cardinals.  However, Berkman was only on a one year deal and I didn’t want to get burned from a longevity perspective like I had with Larry Walker.  But once he signed an extension through 2012, and especially once I could rock the Puma shirsey through a playoff appearance, it became worth buying the Berkman.  Then he kind of saved the Cardinals’ asses in the World Series and with one swing of the bat completely justified owning his shirsey.  Even if he missed this entire season, it would have been worth it.

But with Puma’s recent injury woes comes the harsh reality that Lance Berkman’s shirsey will soon be dated.  Obviously, I can’t wear the Puma if he’s playing for a different team, so he’d have to be retired from my clothing rotation until his MLB retirement.  But now the question becomes: Who is next in line for following the brilliant legacies of Larry Walker and Lance Berkman as the player represented by my shirsey?  Let’s look at some candidates.

Chris Carpenter

Pros: Obviously, the guy is a behemoth.  He’s won a Cy Young, he shut out the Phillies in the closeout game of the NLDS, and he also kind of won Game 7 of the World Series.  He’s also a fierce competitor who deserves to be regarded as a Cardinal legend.  He’s, like, borderline to have his number retired good.

Cons: He isn’t long for the Majors.  He has, what, two or three years left?  I know he’s big enough that it’ll be respectable forever, like having a Bob Forsch, but it’s generally preferable to have an active MLBer.

Jaime Garcia

Pros: Good, young lefty starter who hasn’t completely and totally littered metro St. Louis with his shirseys.  Has a contract extension so seemingly would be long for El Birdos.

Cons: Jaime is still frustrating as hell—sometimes he pitches brilliantly and sometimes he gives up eleven runs in a game.  I, and I know I’m not alone, am not convinced that he’s going to be better than a weak #2 or strong #3 in the rotation.  Same reason I wouldn’t have bought a Donovan Osborne shirsey in the nineties.

Lance Lynn

Pros: Lance has a fantastic beard and is an up and coming pitcher.  And nobody owns a Lance Lynn shirsey right now.  My inner hipster is excited at the prospect of being the one person at Busch rocking the Lance Lynn.

Cons: He’s not totally proven and we have no especially good reason to believe he’s going to be a Cardinal for a long time.  Hell, if he gets traded to the Indians at 28, what am I supposed to do with the shirsey?

Shelby Miller

Pros: He may not be a Major Leaguer, but he seems like a sure thing.  Could easily be the staff ace for a decade.  He’s the most can’t-miss Cardinals pitching prospect since…

Cons: Rick Ankiel.  Also, he doesn’t have a number.  Also, he’s a total bro.  Pass.

Jason Motte

Pros: Unlike starters, there’s at least a decent chance of seeing him at every single game I go to.  While his beard/personality is maybe 15% of Brian Wilson’s, that still makes him the most dynamic member of the team.  He’s also good.

Cons: Closers never seem long for the Cardinals.  Jason Isringhausen and Ryan Franklin were both all-stars and then got run out of town.  Plus, even good closers I inevitably end up hating.

Marc Rzepczynski

Pros: The guy could end up in the rotation and this goes well for the obscurity factor.  Nobody owns a Marc Rzepczynski.  I’m not convinced he owns one.

Cons: While he COULD end up a starter, he could also end up being a middle of the road middle reliever for all of eternity.  Also, while I don’t mind going off the beaten path for the right shirsey, I’d probably have to customer order this one and it would be pay-by-character in many cases, so fuck it.

Adam Wainwright

Pros: Obviously a good pitcher.  Not the hardest one to find.

Cons: While I like Waino, I don’t love him in the same way that I love Carpenter.  He’s Axl Rose to Carp’s Slash—while Slash is a hardened badass who deserves your respect, Axl never lets you embrace him.  Also, Wainwright is pitching like shit this season, he’s thirty, and he’s not even assured to be with the club next year.

Yadier Molina

Pros: Long-termer, a perennial All-Star, and a definite St. Louis person to pick (as in he’s predominantly a defensive ace).

Cons: Yadi’s a girl shirsey.  Girls love Yadi because they think he’s cute—given that I most recently went with Lance Berkman, who is liked by women more as a ruggedly handsome/badass type, it should be obvious how I’d rather be perceived.  Also, my sister has a Yadi shirsey.  I can’t have the same kind as my sister.

Matt Adams

Pros: This is absolutely a great long-term choice.  Dude’s twenty-three, if he plays well he could be around for fifteen years, he’s an everyday player, and he, like all great Cardinals shirsey subjects, is fat.

Cons: He hasn’t played a Major League game (as of 5:11 p.m., May 20, 2012) so he could end up sucking royally.  Perhaps more daunting, he was given the number 53.  Do you really think he’s going to stay with the number 53?  I imagine a lot of Jon Jay fans have been burned by this.

Matt Carpenter

Pros: “Scrappy”, has diverse positional ability, the same fans who loved John May-buh-ry love this fellow scrapper who does not wear batting gloves.

Cons: He’s Matt Carpenter.  I imagine the Stan Royer shirseys never sold all that well either.

Daniel Descalso

Pros/Cons: See Matt Carpenter.

David Freese

Pros: The man whom I have dubbed “Freesus” (no, but seriously, that nickname is a good one) was my second favorite Cardinal even before the playoffs.  He’s a charming St. Louis native who is good, but not so good that he’s likely to be wooed by a huge free agency deal.

Cons: Freese is easily the biggest shirsey going, almost overnight.  It’s like being a Beatles fan.  “Oh, you like the Beatles?  How innovative and interesting you are.”  Pass.

Rafael Furcal

Pros: The guy is straight up killing it this year and will be around at least through 2013.  Also, why haven’t I seen a Furcal shirsey?  I know I live in Oakville but really?

Cons: I’m perfectly fine with Rafael Furcal but I don’t love him.  I’m open to buying a shirsey and learning to love him, but not if the guy’s only going to be around another year and a half.

Carlos Beltran

Pros: This is almost too perfect of a fit.  While not a pudgy white guy, he is a thirty-something, step-below-HOF right fielder who had a career resurgence with the Cardinals.

Cons: Unlike Walker and Berkman, I wasn’t really a Beltran “fan” per se before he joined the Cardinals.  I mean, I didn’t hate him, but I was more or less apathetic (except when he was on the 2004 Astros, in which case fuck him).  And he’s in the same boat as Furcal when it comes to shirsey longevity.  It’s also unlikely he’ll even reach Puma’s level of Cardinals iconicness.  He’s going to reach Will Clark’s level at best.

Allen Craig

Pros: Craig is young enough (27), he has traits I love in a player (positional diversity, clutch, he’s actually quite articulate and engaging), and his shirsey is a rarity.

Cons: Craig is not a starter.  He plays a lot but he’s not a starter.  I’m not inherently opposed to that, but it means he’s more likely to be disposable.  It could be a sad little memento in a couple years if the team doesn’t find a more consistent roster spot for him.

Matt Holliday

Pros: Holliday is one of the big bats on the team.  He also has a long term, big contract so he’s likely to have at least a few more years in St. Louis

Cons: On principle, if a guy can’t catch routine fly balls and gets picked off third base with the bases loaded in elimination World Series games, I can’t do it.

Jon Jay

Pros: Jay is somebody I’ve defended for years and he continues to prove me right.  He’s a consistent hitter and fielder and may have a nice little career with the Cardinals.

Cons: Number changes.  He’s #19 now but he could well be something else in a couple months.

Regrettably, I do not have a conclusion.  It is an ongoing process.  All suggestions are welcome.