Who You Should Root For in Today's Stupid Bowl

NOTE: For those of you who will not be watching Super Bowl XLIX, I just want to tell you how impressed I am. You are truly a hero and deserve to be congratulated endlessly for not watching this event, which will be unwatched by hundreds of millions of Americans and billions of non-Americans. You are, to quote former Seattle athlete Kevin Durant, “the real MVP.”

Super Bowl XLIX is stupid and I hate it and I want it to end already. But it’s the only Super Bowl we have, damn it, and as with pretty much every game ever, there is a correct team to root for. I can’t tell anybody which team that is (well, I probably will) but I can help you sort out which team to root for tonight. There are subtle differences between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots and if one team’s victory will be less destructive to society, that team deserves your allegiance, if only for one night. So I will break down every component of the big game and which team is less awful in it.

Quarterback

The New England Patriots have Tom Brady, widely considered to be one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. If the Patriots win tonight, Brady will have his fourth Super Bowl win as a quarterback, tying him with professional country music vocalist Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana, namesake for a video game in which I never learned how to pass and thus Jim Everett led my playoff team in rushing in a season. He has cultivated a famously clean-cut image, even after leaving his pregnant actress girlfriend so that he could start dating a supermodel that a strangely larger number of people consider unattractive (yeah, okay).

The Seattle Seahawks have Russell Wilson, who has a chance to win his second Super Bowl tonight, which is a tremendous benchmark in that every eligible quarterback to have won multiple Super Bowls is currently in the Pro Football Hall of Fame with the exception of the guy who was terrible. Like Brady early in his career, Wilson appears to be following the trajectory of coasting to a Super Bowl with the help of a great defense before emerging as a formidable talent himself. Russell Wilson has an even more immaculate public image than Brady, which is understandable given that his greatest “sin” appears to have been getting divorced and possibly stealing Joseph Fauria’s girlfriend, though this comes with the annoying consequence of Russell Wilson being unnecessarily praised for fulfilling such basic quarterback duties as watching game film and being a leader. Is this his fault? Mostly no, but we all suffer the whiny consequences.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Eventually people are going to start claiming Russell Wilson is the best quarterback in the NFL, which is clearly insane, but in the hype machine if Brady ties Montana, and to a lesser extent Bradshaw, will never go away. As will the claims that Tom Brady, who has spent most of his career on a team with a capital-E Elite defense and also put up his biggest number throwing to Randy Moss, arguably the most talented wide receiver in NFL history, is now better than Peyton Manning, whose team with him once made the playoffs and then, while losing him with very little other roster attrition, went 2-14.

Running Back

The Seahawks have Marshawn Lynch, who famously is refusing to do interviews, much to the chagrin of old hot sports take providers nationwide. I bet he doesn’t even like Springsteen! Lynch has an exciting, decidedly old-school mix of power and speed and is an objectively exciting player to watch, though he is far from perfect himself—in 2008, he was involved in a hit-and-run accident and in 2012, he was found to be legally drunk after a traffic stop.

Meanwhile, the Patriots have LeGarrette Blount, who is shockingly the same age as Lynch but with far less extensive of a résumé. Perhaps his NFL career has been somewhat eschewed by his tendency to punch opponents after losing and get released after leaving games early and then immediately signing with the best team in the conference.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Lynch’s infractions seem to be a matter of stupidity and Blount’s seem to be a matter of being a straight-up unlikable guy. Plus, Marshawn Lynch cajoling the media is always a good thing. I thought at first this was going to be like Richard Sherman last year, where there were twenty people defending Richard Sherman from his critics for every one person actually criticizing him, but a material portion of the media is serious about this. I guess they’re more inclined to defend newspaper reporters than sideline reporters, one of whom was the “target” of Sherman last year, because that’s where most columnists started.

The Rest of the Offense

The Patriots have Rob Gronkowski, a man who stands for fun and youthful exuberance and partying. I can see the argument for whether this is good or bad either way, but in the case of the dour, thoroughly anti-fun Patriots organization, I think it’s a positive, even though I can’t see Gronk without assuming he would probably break into my apartment and steal my beer. Aside from him, on either side, there’s not much to feel much passion about. His ex-teammate did kill a guy, but I guess at least the Patriots eventually cut him

ADVANTAGE: Patriots. They can’t really be  justly blamed if we have to hear five thousand times about what a great, natural possession receiver College Quarterback Julian Edelman is.

Defense

The Patriots have a mostly anonymous defense. You’re mostly looking at Rob Ninkovich, notable only because he has the most New England Patriots name possible (which is impressive because they have Rob Gronkowski and had Tedy Bruschi); Vince Wilfork, notable for being an exceptionally large player in the sport in which being fat is the least endearing relative to other sports; and Darrelle Revis, who isn’t as good as he used to be but because we’ve firmly placed “Revis Island” in our vernacular, we will pretend he is. Also, they don’t have Aqib Talib anymore, which is nice.

The Seahawks have a bunch of guys who have been popped for Adderall (though one of the more notable cases, Brandon Browner, is now on the Patriots), though the most famous by a mile is Richard Sherman. There isn’t a great cross-sport analogy for Sherman, though I guess one could reach and say he’s the equivalent of a decent starting pitcher who becomes a great closer, or a sixth man in basketball that doesn’t start and thus doesn’t face the best competition generally speaking. But word is Sherman may miss the Super Bowl (he won’t actually miss the Super Bowl) due to the impending birth of his child, and frankly, I’m not sure how Seattle can survive without a designated guy whose job will be to cover Brandon LaFell or something.

ADVANTAGE: Patriots. Again, close.

The Owners

Seahawks owner Paul Allen co-founded Microsoft. If not for Microsoft, the internet would still be a thing, but it would likely be much different and much worse than it is now. Patriots owner Bob Kraft is a close personal friend of Roger Goodell, a man who destroyed video evidence of the Patriots cheating to an extent we may never fully know because, without any video to consult, it’s all speculation. This one isn’t close.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks.

The Coaches

Seattle has Pete Carroll, who became Seahawks coach after fleeing USC right as they were about to go on probation for allowing boosters to pay players. New England has Bill Belichick, a sourpuss who is arguably the best coach in NFL history, even giving consideration to his previously-alluded-to cheating. Both men are cheaters who have largely avoided consequences for their actions (Carroll by fleeing the scene of the crime; Belichick by having an owner who is unbelievably cozy with the insanely corrupt commissioner of the NFL), though Carroll probably deserves some credit for at least bothering to have a smile on his face. Also, amazing fun fact: Pete Carroll is older than Bill Belichick. Seriously.

ADVANTAGE: Seahawks. Also, the Patriots have Josh McDaniels, who when not roped in by Bill Belichick, contemptible but indisputably good at his job, drafted Tim Tebow in the first round and offensive coordinated the Rams to two wins. He was sandwiched between Pat Shurmur and Brian Schottenheimer as OC and was STILL the worst of the bunch. Screw him.

Fans

New England Patriots fans, and by proxy Boston fans, are the most insufferable in sports as a whole. In the 21^st century, Boston has an astonishing eight championships, including at least one in all of the major professional leagues. And yet they STILL complain. About how the Celtics are down. About the Yankees. About how you don’t “respect” the Patriots enough.

Seattle Seahawks fans are amazingly an even more self-celebratory bunch. What else can you call a group that has the number 12 retired by the franchise in their honor? And this is the same fan base that lost an NBA team within the last decade in no small part due to pedestrian fan support and which almost lost their NFL franchise in the late 1990s to Los Angeles. Amazingly, though, the Patriots had an even more pathetic near-relocation slightly earlier in the decade, when the team almost relocated to…St. Louis. Again, and I can’t stress this enough: Both of these teams, now acclaimed for having passionate fans that you can find EVERYWHERE, nearly skipped town. I’m old enough to remember a time when each of these franchises were mediocre and absolutely nobody thought much of their fans. Being “good” or “bad” fans is an artificial construct. Every “good” fan base is “good” because their team is generally successful with the exception of the Chicago Cubs, whose fan base is “good” because it’s mostly hipsters who don't know actual players. And yes, I’m very bitter about the Rams right now. I better stop.

ADVANTAGE: Patriots. At least when Patriots fans wear a #12 jersey, it’s commemorating a great player and not themselves.

This game is stupid and you shouldn’t watch it. But you will. And so will I. So in the meantime, root for whatever outcome will make fans the least happy in total. Personally, I want Seattle to win an ugly game in which Richard Sherman does not play but the Patriots passing offense remains totally ineffective. And for Roger Goodell to get upset about the poor quality of play and resign.