Why I Hate Fredbird

I went to an elementary school that is across the street from a Veterans Administration hospital. And when I was in sixth grade, my class would often volunteer at the hospital.

One of the days we were volunteering, there was an assembly--I don't recall the exact reason why, but those at the hospital got a catered lunch and there were some patriotic bands that performed. It's essentially a smaller version of how I've always imaged a USO show goes. But one of the guests was Fredbird.

Before the show began, the Star Spangled Banner played. The 11 and 12 year olds volunteering stood and looked at the flag. The patients who could stand stood and looked at the flag while those confined to wheelchairs looked in hushed awe. The teachers and parents, including my mother, who were also at the hospital, stood and looked at the flag. The caterers and hospital employees stood and looked at the flag.

Fredbird, as seems to be his only basic move, jumped around like an imbecile. As the song played, he (I've heard that a majority of the people who portray Fredbird are female, but for simplicity's sake, I refer to Fredbird simply as "he") danced around and did that thing where he chewed on people's heads with his oversized peak, including veterans. 11 and 12 year old kids are among the dumbest people in the world and every single one of them, without having to be asked twice, knew to be quiet and respectful, and Fredbird did not.

Not long after his buffoonery began, my mother ran up to Fredbird and told him to knock it off. She told him the obvious--that he was being disrespectful to the anthem and that it was particularly insensitive to act in such a manner at a VETERANS HOSPITAL.

This took place in (estimating on month, not on year) April 2001. Certainly, after 9/11, people got more cautious. But Fredbird should have known better. And I recognize that perhaps a different actor may have acted more wisely but when it comes to it, being maniacal is Fredbird's only move. This isn't the Phoenix Suns Gorilla dunking on trampolines or something like that--all Fredbird can do is be obnoxious. I realized this quite clearly at twelve and have not backed down from my opinion since.