I wrote a spec script for Crying Birds's TV show

@johnjf125 Everything is terrible. I'm currently writing a pilot about you, Grobot, @lil_scooter93 and Adron Chambers sharing an apartment.

— those crying birds (@crying_birds) May 22, 2016

Having partially inspired Crying Birds to creative heights with his pilot about a television show in which Grobot (henceforth referred to as "Nick"), @lil_scooter93 (henceforth referred to as "Heather"), and former St. Louis Cardinals quad-A outfielder Adron Chambers share an apartment with me, I have decided to begin a spec script for this show. While I personally would have titled the show "Apartment 2F", I #re2pect CB's decision to name it "Four Stories." And here is the story I have chosen to tell. I have only a vague idea of how scripts are written, format-wise, so please just enjoy the CONTENT on its own terms.

As the scene begins, John is sitting alone on a couch in the living room, typing on his laptop. That commercial where Jon Bon Jovi strums an acoustic guitar, singing and obliterating a small child as part of selling DirecTV is on in the background.

*Nick walks in the apartment*

NICK: Do you know if Addie bought milk at the store this morning?

JOHN: Wh...Addie? Who's Addie?

NICK: You know, Adron.

JOHN: Wait, you're calling him Addie? I think we need a vote on this.

NICK: What the hell's wrong with Addie?

JOHN: Well, first of all, it doesn't even save on syllables. And if one of us is going to be nicknamed Addie, it should be Heather, since she's an accountant.

*Heather walks in the apartment*

HEATHER: Who's an accountant? (Laugh track, which otherwise does not appear on the show, for some reason loses its absolute shit over this joke)

JOHN: Oh, um, nobody's an accountant here, absolutely nobody. Nick just thinks we should call Adron "Addie".

NICK: Look, if you want to call him Adron, you go right ahead, but I think Addie sounds good.

*Adron walks in the apartment*

ADRON: Heyyyyyyyy gang. (This is his catchphrase, and because sitcoms are almost uniformly garbage, this is one of the better catchphrases in the history of television)

EVERYBODY ELSE IN UNISON: Heyyyyyyyy Adron! (Yeah, I know Nick's supposed to be calling him Addie, but this was really just a set piece at the beginning to pad the word count)

ADRON: Hey, I was just, I was thinking about something.

JOHN: What's that?

ADRON: Well, like, you know, it's kind of weird that I'm living with you guys.

JOHN: Nah, man, it's awesome. We're an interracial, mixed-gender group. We're like The Revolution here (oh, also I'm wearing a Prince t-shirt in the scene, RIP).

ADRON: No, it's not...it's not that. But, like, you're a bunch of single people in your 20s. I turn 30 later this year, and also I'm married. Doesn't logic suggest I should be living with my wife?

HEATHER: You're married?

ADRON: I...I think so. Wikipedia didn't say. Look, anyway, this just seems weird to be.

NICK: Don't be an asshat, Addie. This is a great setup we have. Yeah, you kind of stand out in the group because you're the old guy and also because you are a former professional baseball player and we're just a bunch of weird people on the internet...

ADRON: I'm still a baseball player, Nick. I'm in the Cubs minor league system.

HEATHER: The Cubs? So, um, do you hang out with Jason Heyward or Kris Bryant ever?

JOHN: *Looks straight at camera* Here we go again! *Looks around room* Oh, really? Nobody else is gonna say it with me? *Walks to the fridge and opens a beer that looks exactly like a Budweiser can except it says "Beer" on it* You guys are assholes.

ADRON: No, they're in the big leagues and I'm in the minors. It's like you guys don't even know me.

NICK: Well, we don't really know you. I know you scored that run against the Cubs in 2011 but that's it, really.

HEATHER: It's okay, Adron. I feel like an outsider here sometimes too. (The audience has an audible gasp like she just said she had a freaking brain tumor or something)

JOHN: Well, why's that?

HEATHER: Well, like, I'm the youngest one here. I'm the only woman. I don't even know why you guys invited me to be your roommate. I feel like a token woman here. I'm like Elaine on Seinfeld or that one girl, I don't know, I think her name was Kate or something, on The Drew Carey Show. Like, okay, there's three guy characters so we have to throw a female character into the mix.

JOHN: Look, Heather, I get what you're saying, but this isn't a TV show. (The audience LOSES IT on this joke, which I know I said there isn't a laugh track here but this was too damn much). And yes, we all have our differences. Nick's the tall one. Adron is the one that won a World Series ring with the 2011 St. Louis Cardinals. You're the woman. And I'm the extremely hot one. But while we all have our differences, we're all trying the best we can with these...four stories. (Audience erupts with applause and I win all of the Emmys that Jim Parsons won for The Big Bang Theory for some reason)