101 ESPN is an easy target because every sports talk radio station is an easy target. But as somebody who has listened to at least some degree of sports talk in metro St. Louis my entire life, I must say that 101 ESPN is a gigantic upgrade over most of its predecessors. Notably, lack of Kevin Slaten. But the commercials are terrible. As much as I enjoy the on-air talent pretty much uniformly, the commercials on 101 ESPN are some of the most aesthetically unpleasing things to ever be produced without a trace of irony. And here is a quick list of the five worst active ads.
5. Michelle Smallmon vouches for Fast Eddie's Bon Air as a great date location--Michelle Smallmon is basically the real-life Smurfette: She exists in a world in which she is literally the only female and thus she was destined to become the archetype for the culture's women. Basically the #2 female on 101 ESPN is Mike Greenberg. So, as she says in this particularly hilarious ad, she has "kind of become the resident dating guru." Makes sense. It was going to be her or Softli. And then, it turns out, guys are constantly asking for ways to impress women. Let's see what Michelle Smallmon says--she shills for diamonds, so that would make sense. Maybe she's doing a promo for some kind of his and her spa treatment or something like that. But nope--apparently the key to Michelle Smallmon's heart is a date through Fast Eddie's. The commercial here isn't inherently hilarious--it's the concept that impressing a date by going to Fast Eddie's Bon Air in Alton is anything but a terrible idea. And I say this as a fan of Fast Eddie's--it's basically a dive bar. It's the kind of place you go with your friends. Maybe it's the kind of place you go with your girlfriend after at least a few months where you're less going on "dates" and more "hanging out." But it certainly isn't a place to impress. Fast Eddie's used to run logical adverts on 101 ESPN--you'd get Eddie's gruff voice to talk about how cheap the food is and how cold the beer is. That's what Fast Eddie's is about. There is no ambiance. There is no romance. Yet I guess if Michelle Smallmon says it is...maybe some women have different concepts of romance than I do.
4. Three Year-Old Wants You To Buy A Goddamned Kia--Adhering to the standards of class that I've come to expect from car salesmen, one brave local Kia dealer has decided to trot out a three year-old to explain why these Kias are the shit, or something. First of all, this kid sounds older than three--maybe like five or six, but that's really besides the point. The point is that WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC MOTHERFUCKER IS BUYING A NEW CAR BECAUSE A THREE YEAR OLD SAYS TO? And oh, that's so cute, he says selling like "thelling". Speech impediments are so adorable. I'll drop five figures on a car just to prove that commercial works.
3. RYAN KELLEY WANTS YOU TO REFINANCE--HEY GUYS ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING JERKED AROUND? WELL I'M RYAN KELLEY, ST. LOUIS'S HOME LOAN EXPERT AND I'M HEAR TO YELL TO YOU THAT I AM ST. LOUIS'S HOME LOAN EXPERT. I AM GOOD FRIENDS WITH ALL OF THE LOCAL RADIO PERSONALITIES AND THAT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE MY ENTIRE ADVERTISING BUDGET BESIDES THAT ONE STUPID BILLBOARD ON HIGHWAY 40 APPEARS TO GO TO THIS RADIO STATION. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHAT KIND OF GREEDY BANK WOULD WANT TO APPRAISE YOU HOUSE BEFORE GIVING YOU A REFINANCE? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO WORK WITH A COMPANY THAT IS ACTUALLY "SELECTIVE" AND DOESN'T JUST OFFER MONEY FOR NOTHING? THAT'S CRAZY!!!!!!!! COME REFINANCE YOUR HOUSE WITH A GUY BECAUSE HE IS YELLING AD NAUSEUM ON SPORTS TALK RADIO.
2. PNC Student Epitomizes Why White People Are The Worst--A clearly Caucasian girl talks on the radio ad about how she wants to go on vacation after graduating from school before working. First of all, fuck you, you're an idiot. Either you're wasting the money you worked hard to get or you're wasting the money your parents should be spending on something other than your goddamned frivolities. Second, everything this woman says makes a socialist revolution seem not too bad. "Where should I go? Down undah?" Lol that's so funny, the most half-assed Australian accent ever, you're so cute! Oh, you're also considering "Pair-ee". Cool. Regrettably, girl, this isn't the 1780s and the Bourgeoisie are no longer in power. Seriously, this girl sucks. But oh wait, there's one more! "England. Ooh, the royal baby is due! Do they make crowns that small?" It makes sense now. She's one of "those" Americans--the type of people who are deeply concerned over the gender of Prince William and Kate Middleton's baby but have absolutely no clue who David Cameron is. Screw you people.
1. Kars 4 Kids ruins society--There are bad ads, and then there is Kars 4 Kids. These ads make Flo from Progressive ads look like Godfather movies. It was bad enough when it was a borderline a capella song performed by an only marginally annoying kid but now it's just truly the worst. I'd try to find an actual video of the current monstrosity but then you'd be subjected unnecessarily to what shitheads in advertising consider acceptable. It starts with (shocking!) a young boy with a lisp singing the familiar, awful jingle "1-877-Kars 4 Kids. K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids. 1-877-Kars 4 Kids, donate your car today!" But now it's (for some reason) over the kind of guitar sound they'd play in songs in my 3rd grade music class to try to seem cool and contemporary. Next comes in, as per Kars 4 Kids rules, an adult who has to be AT LEAST thirty to sing the same little ditty. Seriously, why the fuck is this guy hanging out with this very young kid who seems to have been created in a lab to sound as vulnerable as possible? Also, why is Jerry Sandusky directing radio advertisements for charities? Anyway, the young kid gets lines again and starts yelling information, with some of the worst writing you could possibly devise. This kid uses the phrase "what's more" within a breath of saying he doesn't understand what a tax deduction is. Seriously, this commercial is an abomination. Admittedly, if it weren't for their ads, I would have never heard of the organization, which would theoretically make it effective, but I sure as hell don't want to donate a car to Kars 4 Kids. If I win the lottery, I'm buying a new car and I'm taking my current one to wherever the Kars 4 Kids headquarters is. I'm then going to proceed to take an ax to my car and render it as useless as possible for these assholes. Just to prove a point. That or maybe I'll just offer to donate my entire winnings to children's charities if they stop these commercials which destroy America.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sympathy for the Rovell
There are a lot of sports media personalities who receive a lot (and I mean A LOT) of hatred on Twitter. A lot of them I understand. I don't understand hatred of Darren Rovell.
Now for anybody who isn't familiar with Darren Rovell yet for some reason decided to read a blog post about him, Mr. Rovell is, for all intents and purposes, the only person in the United States worth mentioning at his job--sports business reporter. He's equal parts Mike Lupica and Dylan Ratigan.
The problem it seems that a lot (I refuse to say most--I assume most sports fans are relatively apathetic about Rovell, which is reasonable since most reporters are treated with apathy) of people have with Darren Rovell is that Darren Rovell talks about the elephant in the room--that sports is a business, and that as with any business, money drives everything.
People want to believe that sports is a unique industry and that success is measured not by your balance sheet, but by on-field success. This is certainly true with regards to how fans perceive owners, but I would say that for every single owner in professional sports (including the Packers fan-owners), money absolutely matters. Even in Green Bay, owners aren't going to want the cost of their shares to plummet. It's not being utilized to increase dividends but it is still, by definition, a financial instrument. By the same token, pro sports owners are almost uniformly billionaires and they aren't owning teams to substantially increase their portfolio, but they also aren't going to allow their bank accounts to be siphoned in the name of victories. There are various degrees of passion but everybody has some sort of balance. George Steinbrenner cared about making money. Bill Bidwell cares about winning championships.
A lot of sports fans, however, want to live in a bubble where winning, loyalty, and fan favorites are everything. Darren Rovell isn't perfect but he also is, by and large, just doing his job--being pragmatic and analyzing things from a perspective of cold capitalism. You may not like the reality of the situation, but it IS the reality of it. Last night on Twitter, Deadspin's Drew Magary joked about how Darren Rovell was probably commiserating about how Florida Gulf Coast University was going to be a financial disaster for the NCAA. The implication is that Darren Rovell is being a corporate tool and that he cares more about the rich getting richer than what the people want. But Rovell didn't say personally that he rooted against FGCU for the purposes of the NCAA lining their pockets further. And if he had made this observation (I didn't see him do it, though I wouldn't exactly call it a stretch to say that he would), would he be wrong? Do long tournament runs by obscure underdogs not kill TV ratings (they do)? Should Rovell not tell the truth in order to make people further content to their bubbles?
I recall after Stan Musial's death when Darren Rovell posted various pictures of Stan Musial's endorsements, including some that he did for Chesterfield cigarettes. Immediately, St. Louis Cardinals fans were up in arms and offended that Darren Rovell would post such things. First of all, Darren Rovell wasn't chastising the guy. He didn't say that hawking for cigarettes somehow made up for Stan Musial's military service or general kindness--he merely posted pictures. Pictures of advertisements. Pictures of sports advertisers during their infancy. That's, um, kind of what he's supposed to do.
During the NHL lockout, Rovell also wrote an article in which he wrote that fans were essentially being dicked around because the NHL knew they would come back. Oh, how the vitriol followed. Fans didn't appear to be upset that he was wrong--anybody who has even the slightest knowledge of how work stoppages have affected league popularity knows that hardcore fans come back right away, and it's pretty well established that NHL fans are fiercely loyal. Fans were upset because he was RIGHT. And because he was telling the harsh truth, as though he was giving NHL owners some kind of ideas. Darren Rovell can't be compared to the unpopular likes of Skip Bayless. Skip Bayless is a pure troll, saying completely absurd things for the sake of getting attention. Claims like "Tim Tebow is the best fourth quarter quarterback in the NFL" and "Lebron James can't be the go-to guy on a champion" are insane because they can be very easily diffused with statistics. Darren Rovell makes claims that are true but that people don't want to BELIEVE are true.
I'm personally quite glad that somebody like Darren Rovell exists in sports media. We don't need twenty thousand Darren Rovells because sports, while a business, are also about drama, on-field results, and fun. But to have Darren Rovell (and we could use another couple, for what it's worth) means that sports fans can't live in complete denial of the reality that is twenty-first century American sports.
Now for anybody who isn't familiar with Darren Rovell yet for some reason decided to read a blog post about him, Mr. Rovell is, for all intents and purposes, the only person in the United States worth mentioning at his job--sports business reporter. He's equal parts Mike Lupica and Dylan Ratigan.
The problem it seems that a lot (I refuse to say most--I assume most sports fans are relatively apathetic about Rovell, which is reasonable since most reporters are treated with apathy) of people have with Darren Rovell is that Darren Rovell talks about the elephant in the room--that sports is a business, and that as with any business, money drives everything.
People want to believe that sports is a unique industry and that success is measured not by your balance sheet, but by on-field success. This is certainly true with regards to how fans perceive owners, but I would say that for every single owner in professional sports (including the Packers fan-owners), money absolutely matters. Even in Green Bay, owners aren't going to want the cost of their shares to plummet. It's not being utilized to increase dividends but it is still, by definition, a financial instrument. By the same token, pro sports owners are almost uniformly billionaires and they aren't owning teams to substantially increase their portfolio, but they also aren't going to allow their bank accounts to be siphoned in the name of victories. There are various degrees of passion but everybody has some sort of balance. George Steinbrenner cared about making money. Bill Bidwell cares about winning championships.
A lot of sports fans, however, want to live in a bubble where winning, loyalty, and fan favorites are everything. Darren Rovell isn't perfect but he also is, by and large, just doing his job--being pragmatic and analyzing things from a perspective of cold capitalism. You may not like the reality of the situation, but it IS the reality of it. Last night on Twitter, Deadspin's Drew Magary joked about how Darren Rovell was probably commiserating about how Florida Gulf Coast University was going to be a financial disaster for the NCAA. The implication is that Darren Rovell is being a corporate tool and that he cares more about the rich getting richer than what the people want. But Rovell didn't say personally that he rooted against FGCU for the purposes of the NCAA lining their pockets further. And if he had made this observation (I didn't see him do it, though I wouldn't exactly call it a stretch to say that he would), would he be wrong? Do long tournament runs by obscure underdogs not kill TV ratings (they do)? Should Rovell not tell the truth in order to make people further content to their bubbles?
I recall after Stan Musial's death when Darren Rovell posted various pictures of Stan Musial's endorsements, including some that he did for Chesterfield cigarettes. Immediately, St. Louis Cardinals fans were up in arms and offended that Darren Rovell would post such things. First of all, Darren Rovell wasn't chastising the guy. He didn't say that hawking for cigarettes somehow made up for Stan Musial's military service or general kindness--he merely posted pictures. Pictures of advertisements. Pictures of sports advertisers during their infancy. That's, um, kind of what he's supposed to do.
During the NHL lockout, Rovell also wrote an article in which he wrote that fans were essentially being dicked around because the NHL knew they would come back. Oh, how the vitriol followed. Fans didn't appear to be upset that he was wrong--anybody who has even the slightest knowledge of how work stoppages have affected league popularity knows that hardcore fans come back right away, and it's pretty well established that NHL fans are fiercely loyal. Fans were upset because he was RIGHT. And because he was telling the harsh truth, as though he was giving NHL owners some kind of ideas. Darren Rovell can't be compared to the unpopular likes of Skip Bayless. Skip Bayless is a pure troll, saying completely absurd things for the sake of getting attention. Claims like "Tim Tebow is the best fourth quarter quarterback in the NFL" and "Lebron James can't be the go-to guy on a champion" are insane because they can be very easily diffused with statistics. Darren Rovell makes claims that are true but that people don't want to BELIEVE are true.
I'm personally quite glad that somebody like Darren Rovell exists in sports media. We don't need twenty thousand Darren Rovells because sports, while a business, are also about drama, on-field results, and fun. But to have Darren Rovell (and we could use another couple, for what it's worth) means that sports fans can't live in complete denial of the reality that is twenty-first century American sports.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
The 2nd Annual KSHE 95 March Bandness Bracket
Here it is, for the second straight year, I'm going through the entire KSHE 95 March Bandness bracket. I will be changing it up a little bit from last year's edition, but the same principle remains--63 matchups of musical fun coming from your favorite sporadic blogger who has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever to do this.
First things first though--I want to give KSHE credit for being a great sport. Half of my post last year was a vaguely hostile threat towards the station yet they not only retweeted it, but they responded to specific things I said (meaning they must have at least kind-of read it). In the last year I've started listening to the radio more than I had previously and I personally believe KSHE has improved dramatically over what it was when I was in high school. An increased reliance on "true" classic rock bands (much more Tom Petty, much more Rolling Stones, much less Pearl Jam) has made them become once again probably my most listened-to music radio station.
Second, here is the format change--rather than pick my favorite band, I'm going to do a random number generator 1-10 and then go with a corresponding song by that band from the website DigitalDreamDoor.com and their list series "Top Ten Songs by Popular Rock Artists". Basically, this will reflect the true ethos of March Madness--the best team (band) doesn't ALWAYS win. If you're going to (completely random example) have Led Zeppelin going against Peter Frampton, it would be a likely LZ blowout, but what if you got LZ's 10th best song against Frampton's best? All of a sudden, it becomes random. Thus, this bracket is more of a simulation than any sort of conclusive decision-maker. Here we go!
K Bracket
Rush vs. Blue Oyster Cult--Closer to the Heart vs. Black Blade: I will freely admit I have to listen to the iTunes snippet of Black Blade here. Not so much with Rush--even though this is their 10th best song as per this website, KSHE has always played a lot of Rush, for better or worse (I think they're probably a bit critically underrated though massively overrated by their insane fans). *Listens to clip* Hey, I think I've heard this song before! Shit, I'm such a musical savant. And I can't say I care too terribly much for it. At least not enough to unseat the de facto 1-seed in Rush. The Canadians live to fight another day.
Eric Clapton vs. Scorpions--Wonderful Tonight vs. Wind of Change: Really, a rough draw for both here. Indisputably Eric Clapton's wussiest of his wussy pop songs vs. the cheesy German reunification anthem. I wish I could bring BOC back into the fold because I'd have picked Black Blade easily over both of these songs. With that said, Slowhand didn't come to play. Scorpions advance.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Nickelback--You Got That Right vs. Animals: (Note, Nickeblack isn't listed on DDD's Top 10 by Artist, so I went off iTunes, and somehow Animals is apparently their second biggest song on Artist Essentials? Okay then. Anyway, in future cases of this I'll just go off iTunes and if there's no artist essentials, I'll go by sales totals, and if they're not on iTunes at all, I don't care about them anyway) I've established several times that I think Nickelback gets way too much crap. They're not a good band but there's a lot of terrible bands, even worse bands (lookin' at you, Staind), that don't get ripped en masse like Nickelback. With that said, You Got That Right is a way better song than Animals. Plus I can't really go with two Canadian bands in three matchups. Live forever, Steve Gaines.
Rolling Stones vs. U2--You Can't Always Get What You Want vs. New Years Day: Holy heavyweight matchup. Seriously, Mick or Bono gets booted in Round 1. And while as a whole I'd go Stones in a heartbeat, they didn't come to play in their first round matchup. This particular Rolling Stones song isn't very good. It's too long and pretentious and because this is bizarro-world, U2 moves on by being less pretentious than somebody. I don't even know what to believe anymore.
Tom Petty vs. The Police--Breakdown vs. Message in a Bottle: Speaking of clashes of the titans, this. Seriously (and I'm going with the defending champions, The Police, here), Tom Petty and the Stones are already gone. If I get to a later bracket and there's a matchup between like Journey and Billy Squier I'm going to start throwing everything.
Van Hagar vs. The Cars--Can't Stop Lovin You vs. Good Times Roll: I'm not entirely sure why Van Halen are two separate entries (at least I assume they are at this point), especially when Sammy Hagar's Van Halen is terrible (for what it's worth, I greatly prefer Sammy Hagar's solo career to Van Hagar, and I greatly prefer Van Halen with David Lee Roth to Hagar solo; I find nothing positive or redeeming about Van Hagar whatsoever, although my dad thinks the band sucked until Sammy came around, so take that as you choose). Okay, I'm done ranting against Van Hagar, because I'm picking The Cars, who brought their game a lot more than they really needed to do for this round (as somebody who puts The Cars' debut album in his personal Top 10, arguably even Top 5, going with the album's opening track is always a win).
Kiss vs. Foreigner--Forever vs. I Want to Know What Love Is: For randomly generated results, there have been some very subpar performances so far. Both bands throw out their most overwrought ballads? With me judging? Do they not even give a shit about winning this thing? Admittedly I haven't heard Forever in a while so I'll give it an iTunes go. *Listens* The fuck is this, Heart? This song is still terrible. I guess I'll go with Foreigner, though I'm very disappointed in both of you.
Pink Floyd vs. The Beatles--Pigs (Three Different Ones) vs. A Day In the Life: Seriously, Kiss/Foreigner is a matchup and so is Pink Floyd/Beatles. Oh well, one has to go. And Floyd just didn't bring it by going with an 11-and-a-half minute song about Animal Farm. I like Animal Farm, I like rock and roll, and I like the two kept as far apart as possible. Beatles advance.
Rush vs. Scorpions--Closer to the Heart vs. Blackout: Okay, Rush, you got away with your pseudo-intellectual bollocks in Round 1, but you can't bring that weak shit all the time and prosper. Blackout may not be a great rock song, but it is a rock song. I hesitate to call Scorpions a Cinderella because they'll probably proceed to put a half-naked Cinderella in a dog collar and covered in motor oil on their next album, but in the meantime they do advance to the Sweet 16.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. U2--Tuesday's Gone vs. Walk On: Following an impressive upsetting of The Rolling Stones in the first round, U2 comes out with Walk On, which may be the most U2 song ever. Not their worst song, but nothing exceptional. Tuesday's Gone is Skynyrd's best ballad (and no, Free Bird is a not a ballad; if your song includes a five-plus minute guitar solo that gets faster as it goes, it's not a goddamned ballad) and so they advance to the Sweet 16. They could be poised for a nice little run provided that they don't start trotting out non-Ronnie era songs.
The Police vs. The Cars--Wrapped Around Your Finger vs. Good Times Roll: Ocasek and Co. sticking with a proven formula and Good Times Roll, a song which could beat or could lose to many Police songs. And here it draws Wrapped Around Your Finger, which is in many ways the first Sting solo song stylistically rather than a Police single. This is not a good thing. The defending champs are done. The Cars advance.
Foreigner vs. The Beatles--Dirty White Boy vs.: Okay, it doesn't matter. I'm going with The Beatles. This just isn't even fair. Okay, fine, integrity of the bracket and shit I'll get the Beatles song lined up and...Strawberry Fields Forever. Yup, still Beatles. Okay, happy now, world?
Scorpions vs. Lynyrd Skynyrd--Blackout vs. You Got That Right: Welp, two bands going with proven formulas. The problem here is that Scorpions only won with Blackout because they were going against Neil Peart's "poetry". You Got That Right, while not even close to being Skynyrd's most famous song, is a pretty damn good one. Skynyrd moves on to the Elite Eight. How bout that.
The Cars vs. The Beatles--Just What I Needed vs. Strawberry Fields Forever: The Cars are sticking to well-established territory. Smart move. Stick to the wonderful new wave power-pop meets hard-rock of the debut album and not some of the shittier later work. Frankly, Strawberry Fields is a bit overrated. Kind of a lazy psychedelia, if you think about it. "Strawberry Fields, nothing is real." Come on, Lennon, you're better than that. Hell, you wrote Tomorrow Never Knows BEFORE you wrote this. I could go on for days about how the later Beatles were pretty much dragged down by Lennon after he was the driving force behind Revolver, the band's best album, but whatever. The Cars with the upset.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. The Cars--Simple Man vs. Drive: Disappointing showing for an Elite Eight matchup, though I am rather proud of America for producing two bands that are as decidedly different as these two. Simple Man isn't Skynyrd's best song, and it's been cliched into oblivion by Busch, but Drive, in spite of allowing Ric Ocasek to marry a goddamned supermodel, isn't good at all. Skynyrd moves on to the final four.
S Bracket
Led Zeppelin vs. Alice Cooper--Dazed and Confused vs. You And Me: *Listens to You And Me*. Well, it's not the Lifehouse song, but it might as well be. This sounds like it came from Alice Cooper's "Listen to the Flower People" era. Led Zeppelin, by a lot.
Bob Seger vs. Eagles--Hollywood Nights vs. Best of My Love: My mom probably thinks this is the toughest matchup in the first round. Not really, she loves the Eagles and I don't know her opinions on Seger, but you get the point. Basically, these are two acts who have rock sides (at which Seger is way better) and wussy BS sides (at which the Eagles are better). No contrast here though--Seger's "rock" song beats the Eagles making horrible soft acoustic pop for cocaine money.
Styx vs. Pearl Jam--Suite Madame Blue vs. World Wide Suicide: Okay, THIS is the worst first round matchup of them all. It just has to be. Pearl Jam, sensing perhaps they won't be long for this tournament, actually brought it though, contrasting Dennis DeYoung's pop-prog with one of their better rockers. Pearl Jam advances.
Queen vs. Charlie Daniels Band--Another One Bites the Dust vs. The Devil Went Down to Georgia: The only Charlie Daniels song that could beat ANY Queen song would be Long Haired Country Boy, and even that would only been a small group of them. And Another One Bites the Dust is awesome, so this is kind of a blowout win for Queen. This should help their Pythag quite a bit. KenPom is freaking out.
Stevie Ray Vaughan vs. Alice in Chains--Couldn't Stand the Weather vs. Them Bones: Alice in Chains tends to be a divisive band among my more snobbish friends. Are they good or are they bad? Well, um, it's complicated. Though I lean good. And Them Bones is one of their very best songs. It's so damn streamlined as a quintessential AIC song, but it works. Plus, let's be honest--SRV as a songwriter is average at best.
Black Sabbath vs. Allman Brothers Band--Symptom of the Universe vs. Revival (Love is Everywhere): Talk about a nondescript couple of songs from two really good bands. Kind of generic archetypes of the respective bands. And I like Sabbath more. So there.
Judas Priest vs. Steve Miller Band--Painkiller vs. Going to the Country: While Judas Priest has a couple of good songs, they're usually bogged down by being a comically stereotypical metal band. Going to the Country isn't great but at least it isn't terrible. Painkiller is. Sorry, Priest. Here's the rule with you: Go Another Thing Comin or Electric Eye or Go Home. Steve Miller Advances.
Aerosmith vs. 38 Special--Livin on the Edge vs. Back to Paradise: Before selecting, I thought to myself that how long Aerosmith lasted would be strongly related to how quickly they were putting up 80s and 90s songs instead of songs from their 70s heyday. Back to Paradise might be fairly generic Southern Arena Rock fare, but Livin on the Edge is way too damn long of a song. Mild upset as 38 Special advances.
Led Zeppelin vs. Bob Seger--Whole Lotta Love vs. Hollywood Nights: The only way Seger could beat Zeppelin would have been to dig out some old Bob Seger System. But he didn't. Zeppelin advances while I desperately write letters to Mr. Seger asking him to release his pre-Silver Bullet Band work on CD because it's awesome and aside from maybe Her Strut his newer stuff isn't in the same class of pure hard rock.
Pearl Jam vs. Queen--Corduroy vs. Under Pressure: STOP THE FIGHT! STOP THE GODDAMNED FIGHT! QUEEN! QUEEN! GET PEARL JAM OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY GET HURT!
Alice in Chains vs. Black Sabbath--Would? vs. Children of the Grave: The galloping Children of the Grave riff remains one of their most underrated. Meanwhile, I don't think I've ever been high school emo enough to appreciate Would? as much as I imagine the hardcore fans of theirs do. Sabbath continues.
Steve Miller Band vs. 38 Special--Take the Money and Run vs. If I'd Been The One: Both bands kicked it up a notch from last round, and this is going to sound weird since I'm talking about a classic rock mainstay, but I think Take the Money and Run is underrated. Why? The drums. My God, the drums. With the exception of Wonderwall, no song which is so popular has ever had such excellent drumwork overlooked. Steve Miller moves on to the Sweet 16.
Led Zeppelin vs. Queen--Whole Lotta Love vs. We Will Rock You/We are the Champions: Now this is a matchup. The highs of the respective songs go without saying--the Robert Plant wail vs. the signature We Will Rock You riff. In the end, I have to choose based on the weak moments. Nothing about either of these Queen songs (listed as one) is down, while the middle section of Whole Lotta Love has always kind of bored me to tears. Queen advances.
Black Sabbath vs. Steve Miller Band--N.I.B. vs. Jungle Love: Wow, talk about different songs. And I like both of them. Jungle Love is probably helped here by being a fairly direct pop song because when it comes down to it, the opening drum bit and Iommi's guitar solo are all I really like about N.I.B.--the vocals aren't anything special and it's not really in the upper echelon of Sabbath songs. For a second straight year, Steve Miller is making an unusually long run in this tournament. On to the elite eight he goes!
Queen vs. Steve Miller Band--Crazy Little Thing Called Love vs. Jet Airliner: Jet Airliner might be my favorite Steve Miller Band song and by now it should be obvious I like them more than most. But not only is Crazy Little Thing Called Love one of Queen's best songs, it's one of the greatest pop songs ever written. The guitar riff, the rockabilly bass, Freddie Mercury's Elvis impression, I love it so much. I'm going to award this round to Queen before I just gush about CLTCL for an hour.
H Bracket
AC/DC vs. Creedence Clearwater Revival--Jack vs. Bad Moon Rising: What a KSHE thing (said with all love) to have AC/DC and CCR be a 1-16 matchup. It's really unfair to both bands--to imply CCR isn't in the top 60 of bands, and to put such pressure on a good band that is nowhere near rock's four best bands. But in the end, Jack isn't AC/DC's best performance. Bad Moon Rising isn't CCR's either, but it's closer. CCR puls the massive upset!
The Doors vs. Bon Jovi--Light My Fire vs. Runaway: This is completely and totally unfair. One of the most iconic rock songs ever against a song that even most Bon Jovi fans (not really known for their musical taste) don't seem to give two shits about. The Doors move on.
Motley Crue vs. Nirvana--Dr. Feelgood vs. Heart Shaped Box: It might be the Crue's best song and it's not Nirvana's best, but it's close enough. I'm going with Nirvana if for no other reason than concern of what Nikki Sixx will do in celebration if he beats Nirvana (I assume he will be confused and mistake this for an actual honor; it's not like Nikki Sixx is particularly known for being rational).
Guns N Roses vs. Cheap Trick--My Michelle vs. The Flame: Cheap Trick was given a gift by Guns N' Roses, who drew an average album track. But then Cheap Trick drew The Flame, its awful obligatory 80s power ballad. Guns N Roses, around the same time as The Flame, were doing rock much ballsier and thus deserve this win.
The Who vs. Mama's Pride--I'm just giving this to The Who. This is stupid. Then again, The Urge won The Point's bracket a few times so maybe the locals will win, but they shouldn't.
Metallica vs. Billy Idol--Fade to Black vs. Cradle of Love: Creepy pop-punk vs. a song about how life has no meaning because one's guitars and amps were stolen. Ugh. I guess I'll go with Metallica. Not that it factors into my decision but they should have a much better chance in further rounds.
REO Speedwagon vs. John Mellencamp--Like You Do vs. Hurts So Good: This is the perfect matchup for this tournament because my opinion of each artist is really contingent on what song I'm choosing. And I have a soft, reasonably embarrassing soft spot for Like You Do. Considering it's 70s arena rock, it works. Hurts So Good puts up a better fight than like Pink Houses or some shit, but Mellencamp needed to bust out a real big gun (Crumbling Down, Blood on the Scarecrow) to compete.
Ozzy Osbourne vs. Whitesnake--I Don't Know vs. Now You're Gone: Why is I Don't Know an oft-played Ozzy song? Well, um, song title goes here. But it goes here against Zeppelin tribute band Whitesnake with a song that sounds more like Van Hagar than a watered-down Zeppelin, which might have won here. But Ozzy survives here.
Creedence Clearwater Revival vs. The Doors--Green River vs. Love Me Two Times: The song selection of the source Top 10 doesn't do favors to The Doors. Hence there is no Five To One, there's no Waiting For the Sun, there's no Peace Frog, but there is this song, which feels like a Doors parody. Green River is sort of a quintessential CCR song (by the way, they're just CCR going forward). And they're going forward.
Nirvana vs. Guns N Roses--In Bloom vs. Paradise City: In Bloom has a terrific video, but as a song, it's pretty boring. Indecipherable lyrics, standard Nirvana grunge solo, loud-as-fuck drumming, nothing really transcendent. I think I feel about Paradise City the way most people feel about Bon Jovi songs--it's like a battle cry, a big fun anthemic song that makes you feel good. GNR moves on.
The Who vs. Metallica--Who Are You vs. Seek and Destroy: Simply, The Who could have used a first round tune-up because they came out of the game with their worst ever song, the CSI theme itself. Meanwhile, Seek and Destroy captures Metallica at its early thrash best. Metallica advances.
REO Speedwagon vs. Ozzy Osbourne--Ridin the Storm Out vs. Shot in the Dark: Why does Ozzy, whether with Black Sabbath or solo, ever try to do a song like this? This and Changes just confound me. Like, he doesn't have great vocal talent but when he's rocking, people (myself included) love him. Just a regrettable, stupid song. REO slides into the Sweet 16.
CCR vs. GNR--Have You Ever Seen the Rain vs. My Michelle: Again, My Michelle coming back to hurt GNR. As a stirring tribute to "Every movie about the late 60s ever made", I'm opting with CCR.
Metallica vs. REO Speedwagon--One vs. Roll With the Changes: REO's magical run ends here. First of all, REO's song here seems really similar to You Can't Always Get What You Want to me. I'm the only person in the world who thinks this, probably, but I'm rolling with it. Anyway, One is a good song. It's not their best but it's good enough.
CCR vs. Metallica--Up Around the Bend vs. Creeping Death: To me, Up Around the Bend is the great American guitar riff. And I love me some America. In the battle for California, CCR wins the region.
E Region
Sammy Hagar vs. Foghat--Mas Tequila vs. Eight Days on the Road: Seriously, why do St. Louisans love Sammy Hagar? Is it because they just love big dumb rawk? He's not a local or anything, it's just weird. With that said, somewhere along the line, he got an easy first round matchup against a song that basically sounds like a Hagar song with less power. Okay, Mr. Red Rocker, sir, you get your win right here.
Boston vs. Bad Company--More Than a Feeling vs. Ready for Love: Nobody in the world seems to want to admit that More Than A Feeling is one of the great rock songs ever. And I'm one of those people. I will, however, readily admit it's better than Ready for Love.
Journey vs. Stone Temple Pilots--Separate Ways vs. Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart: Oh THANK GOD a good STP song got drawn. I'm not a big fan of the bad and Journey, who I hate more than anything ever, got one of their better songs. But Tripping on a Hole is a good song. So it advances. Phew. I will be able to sleep tonight.
ZZ Top vs. Deep Purple--Rough Boy vs. Space Truckin: Oh cool, Billy Gibbons singing an 80s ballad? This is what the world was waiting for! Deep Purple advances.
Ted Nugent vs. Kansas--Hammerdown vs. Point of Know Return: I'm going with Ted if for no other reason than the spelling of the Kansas song. Also, I avoid picking Kansas in brackets of any kind whenever possible. Also, this region blows so far.
Jimi Hendrix vs. UFO--Fire vs. Doctor Doctor: Okay, okay, Hendrix is in the region. We might be good. And UFO wins several of these matchups so far in the region, but, like, come on, you know who I'm picking.
Def Leppard vs. Billy Squier--Bringin on the Heartbreak vs. The Stroke: Two so-so acts bring their A-game. Def Leppard is a better band in every way though, so they advance. And yes I know my assessment are getting lazier but this shit takes a long time and I'm knocking this out in one sitting.
Van "Roth" vs. Heart--Jamie's Cryin vs. Never: Much like Aerosmith, Heart's success or failure was going to be dependent largely on what decade the song came from. And like Aerosmith, Heart drew the wrong decade. Van Roth advances.
Sammy Hagar vs. Boston--I Can't Drive 55 vs. Smokin: Smokin' is a nice, fun, kind of lame 70s pot song, but the safest rock band ever singing about marijuana is better than Sammy Hagar trying to make some kind of sociopolitical point. Boston advances.
STP vs. Deep Purple--Vasoline vs. Space Truckin: Fun fact, I usually forget the STP song title and call it "Gasoline". Another fun fact, Deep Purple has songs besides Space Truckin, most of which are better. But I'll go with it for now. Hoping it steps up its game next round.
Ted Nugent vs. Jimi Hendrix--Hammerdown vs. Hey Joe: Lol. Hendrix. Goodness did he ever get a hell of an easy region.
Def Leppard vs. Van "Roth"--Rock of Ages vs. Ain't Talkin Bout Love: One of these songs inspired a Tom Cruise musical. Shockingly, I'm going with the other one.
Boston vs. Deep Purple--Rock and Roll Band vs. Strange Kind of Woman: Space Truckin would have lost for Deep Purple. Strange Kind of Woman wins. Good timing, Mr. Purple. Good timing.
Jimi Hendrix vs. Van "Roth"--Foxy Lady vs. And the Cradle Will Rock: Jimi Hendrix finally gets some competition. Kind of. Both are simple enough rock songs but as charismatic as David Lee Roth is, Hendrix he ain't. Hendrix advances.
Deep Purple vs. Jimi Hendrix--Speed King vs. Fire: I'm tempted to shock anyone reading this by going with Deep Purple here. It's a good, underrated song. But in the end, I'd rather listen to Jimi Hendrix do his thing on guitar rather than hear Jon Lord play organ for a long part for some reason. Jimi moves on.
Final Four
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Jimi Hendrix--On the Hunt vs. Foxy Lady: On the Hunt is a nice, underrated Skynyrd song from the appropriately titled album Nuthin Fancy. That's why Lynyrd Skynyrd is, nothing fancy at all. And this is a nice, simple blues-rocker. I imagine if I were alive in 1975, I'd think it were a nice song. But if I were alive in 1967 when Foxy Lady came out, I can't imagine being able to stand it. In a good way. Hendrix to the final.
Queen vs. CCR--Bohemian Rhapsody vs. Proud Mary: A bit more of a blowout here than I'd have liked. Perhaps Proud Mary has just gotten ruined by the Tina Turner cover version, which isn't even good yet is famous and stuff, but in terms of both desirability of listening and sheer musical ambition, it's Queen.
The Final
I'm psyched for this final. One battle royale between the American guitar virtuoso who came to prominence in London and the most American sounding British arena rockers of them all. OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Jimi Hendrix vs. Queen--Fire vs. Crazy Little Thing Called Love: A couple of usual suspects here. And two songs I really love by two amazing artists. Strangely, perhaps my favorite thing about Fire is the not-even-great-sounding backing vocals (by Noel Redding? I'm not sure). That's not to downplay it, it's a solid rock song. But as I said before, CLTCL is just about perfect. It's a little like Moondance by Van Morrison--both were covered inferiorly but decently by Michael Buble, but there's a reason why. They both sound like standards. Like, I could imagine people covering Crazy Little Thing Called Love thirty years from now in the same way that people cover Johnny B. Goode. It's just everything great rock and roll and great pop should be.
Is Queen my favorite band ever? No. A good band, certainly, though not my absolute favorite. But, with that said, they are my 2013 March Bandness champion.
First things first though--I want to give KSHE credit for being a great sport. Half of my post last year was a vaguely hostile threat towards the station yet they not only retweeted it, but they responded to specific things I said (meaning they must have at least kind-of read it). In the last year I've started listening to the radio more than I had previously and I personally believe KSHE has improved dramatically over what it was when I was in high school. An increased reliance on "true" classic rock bands (much more Tom Petty, much more Rolling Stones, much less Pearl Jam) has made them become once again probably my most listened-to music radio station.
Second, here is the format change--rather than pick my favorite band, I'm going to do a random number generator 1-10 and then go with a corresponding song by that band from the website DigitalDreamDoor.com and their list series "Top Ten Songs by Popular Rock Artists". Basically, this will reflect the true ethos of March Madness--the best team (band) doesn't ALWAYS win. If you're going to (completely random example) have Led Zeppelin going against Peter Frampton, it would be a likely LZ blowout, but what if you got LZ's 10th best song against Frampton's best? All of a sudden, it becomes random. Thus, this bracket is more of a simulation than any sort of conclusive decision-maker. Here we go!
K Bracket
Rush vs. Blue Oyster Cult--Closer to the Heart vs. Black Blade: I will freely admit I have to listen to the iTunes snippet of Black Blade here. Not so much with Rush--even though this is their 10th best song as per this website, KSHE has always played a lot of Rush, for better or worse (I think they're probably a bit critically underrated though massively overrated by their insane fans). *Listens to clip* Hey, I think I've heard this song before! Shit, I'm such a musical savant. And I can't say I care too terribly much for it. At least not enough to unseat the de facto 1-seed in Rush. The Canadians live to fight another day.
Eric Clapton vs. Scorpions--Wonderful Tonight vs. Wind of Change: Really, a rough draw for both here. Indisputably Eric Clapton's wussiest of his wussy pop songs vs. the cheesy German reunification anthem. I wish I could bring BOC back into the fold because I'd have picked Black Blade easily over both of these songs. With that said, Slowhand didn't come to play. Scorpions advance.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Nickelback--You Got That Right vs. Animals: (Note, Nickeblack isn't listed on DDD's Top 10 by Artist, so I went off iTunes, and somehow Animals is apparently their second biggest song on Artist Essentials? Okay then. Anyway, in future cases of this I'll just go off iTunes and if there's no artist essentials, I'll go by sales totals, and if they're not on iTunes at all, I don't care about them anyway) I've established several times that I think Nickelback gets way too much crap. They're not a good band but there's a lot of terrible bands, even worse bands (lookin' at you, Staind), that don't get ripped en masse like Nickelback. With that said, You Got That Right is a way better song than Animals. Plus I can't really go with two Canadian bands in three matchups. Live forever, Steve Gaines.
Rolling Stones vs. U2--You Can't Always Get What You Want vs. New Years Day: Holy heavyweight matchup. Seriously, Mick or Bono gets booted in Round 1. And while as a whole I'd go Stones in a heartbeat, they didn't come to play in their first round matchup. This particular Rolling Stones song isn't very good. It's too long and pretentious and because this is bizarro-world, U2 moves on by being less pretentious than somebody. I don't even know what to believe anymore.
Tom Petty vs. The Police--Breakdown vs. Message in a Bottle: Speaking of clashes of the titans, this. Seriously (and I'm going with the defending champions, The Police, here), Tom Petty and the Stones are already gone. If I get to a later bracket and there's a matchup between like Journey and Billy Squier I'm going to start throwing everything.
Van Hagar vs. The Cars--Can't Stop Lovin You vs. Good Times Roll: I'm not entirely sure why Van Halen are two separate entries (at least I assume they are at this point), especially when Sammy Hagar's Van Halen is terrible (for what it's worth, I greatly prefer Sammy Hagar's solo career to Van Hagar, and I greatly prefer Van Halen with David Lee Roth to Hagar solo; I find nothing positive or redeeming about Van Hagar whatsoever, although my dad thinks the band sucked until Sammy came around, so take that as you choose). Okay, I'm done ranting against Van Hagar, because I'm picking The Cars, who brought their game a lot more than they really needed to do for this round (as somebody who puts The Cars' debut album in his personal Top 10, arguably even Top 5, going with the album's opening track is always a win).
Kiss vs. Foreigner--Forever vs. I Want to Know What Love Is: For randomly generated results, there have been some very subpar performances so far. Both bands throw out their most overwrought ballads? With me judging? Do they not even give a shit about winning this thing? Admittedly I haven't heard Forever in a while so I'll give it an iTunes go. *Listens* The fuck is this, Heart? This song is still terrible. I guess I'll go with Foreigner, though I'm very disappointed in both of you.
Pink Floyd vs. The Beatles--Pigs (Three Different Ones) vs. A Day In the Life: Seriously, Kiss/Foreigner is a matchup and so is Pink Floyd/Beatles. Oh well, one has to go. And Floyd just didn't bring it by going with an 11-and-a-half minute song about Animal Farm. I like Animal Farm, I like rock and roll, and I like the two kept as far apart as possible. Beatles advance.
Rush vs. Scorpions--Closer to the Heart vs. Blackout: Okay, Rush, you got away with your pseudo-intellectual bollocks in Round 1, but you can't bring that weak shit all the time and prosper. Blackout may not be a great rock song, but it is a rock song. I hesitate to call Scorpions a Cinderella because they'll probably proceed to put a half-naked Cinderella in a dog collar and covered in motor oil on their next album, but in the meantime they do advance to the Sweet 16.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. U2--Tuesday's Gone vs. Walk On: Following an impressive upsetting of The Rolling Stones in the first round, U2 comes out with Walk On, which may be the most U2 song ever. Not their worst song, but nothing exceptional. Tuesday's Gone is Skynyrd's best ballad (and no, Free Bird is a not a ballad; if your song includes a five-plus minute guitar solo that gets faster as it goes, it's not a goddamned ballad) and so they advance to the Sweet 16. They could be poised for a nice little run provided that they don't start trotting out non-Ronnie era songs.
The Police vs. The Cars--Wrapped Around Your Finger vs. Good Times Roll: Ocasek and Co. sticking with a proven formula and Good Times Roll, a song which could beat or could lose to many Police songs. And here it draws Wrapped Around Your Finger, which is in many ways the first Sting solo song stylistically rather than a Police single. This is not a good thing. The defending champs are done. The Cars advance.
Foreigner vs. The Beatles--Dirty White Boy vs.: Okay, it doesn't matter. I'm going with The Beatles. This just isn't even fair. Okay, fine, integrity of the bracket and shit I'll get the Beatles song lined up and...Strawberry Fields Forever. Yup, still Beatles. Okay, happy now, world?
Scorpions vs. Lynyrd Skynyrd--Blackout vs. You Got That Right: Welp, two bands going with proven formulas. The problem here is that Scorpions only won with Blackout because they were going against Neil Peart's "poetry". You Got That Right, while not even close to being Skynyrd's most famous song, is a pretty damn good one. Skynyrd moves on to the Elite Eight. How bout that.
The Cars vs. The Beatles--Just What I Needed vs. Strawberry Fields Forever: The Cars are sticking to well-established territory. Smart move. Stick to the wonderful new wave power-pop meets hard-rock of the debut album and not some of the shittier later work. Frankly, Strawberry Fields is a bit overrated. Kind of a lazy psychedelia, if you think about it. "Strawberry Fields, nothing is real." Come on, Lennon, you're better than that. Hell, you wrote Tomorrow Never Knows BEFORE you wrote this. I could go on for days about how the later Beatles were pretty much dragged down by Lennon after he was the driving force behind Revolver, the band's best album, but whatever. The Cars with the upset.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. The Cars--Simple Man vs. Drive: Disappointing showing for an Elite Eight matchup, though I am rather proud of America for producing two bands that are as decidedly different as these two. Simple Man isn't Skynyrd's best song, and it's been cliched into oblivion by Busch, but Drive, in spite of allowing Ric Ocasek to marry a goddamned supermodel, isn't good at all. Skynyrd moves on to the final four.
S Bracket
Led Zeppelin vs. Alice Cooper--Dazed and Confused vs. You And Me: *Listens to You And Me*. Well, it's not the Lifehouse song, but it might as well be. This sounds like it came from Alice Cooper's "Listen to the Flower People" era. Led Zeppelin, by a lot.
Bob Seger vs. Eagles--Hollywood Nights vs. Best of My Love: My mom probably thinks this is the toughest matchup in the first round. Not really, she loves the Eagles and I don't know her opinions on Seger, but you get the point. Basically, these are two acts who have rock sides (at which Seger is way better) and wussy BS sides (at which the Eagles are better). No contrast here though--Seger's "rock" song beats the Eagles making horrible soft acoustic pop for cocaine money.
Styx vs. Pearl Jam--Suite Madame Blue vs. World Wide Suicide: Okay, THIS is the worst first round matchup of them all. It just has to be. Pearl Jam, sensing perhaps they won't be long for this tournament, actually brought it though, contrasting Dennis DeYoung's pop-prog with one of their better rockers. Pearl Jam advances.
Queen vs. Charlie Daniels Band--Another One Bites the Dust vs. The Devil Went Down to Georgia: The only Charlie Daniels song that could beat ANY Queen song would be Long Haired Country Boy, and even that would only been a small group of them. And Another One Bites the Dust is awesome, so this is kind of a blowout win for Queen. This should help their Pythag quite a bit. KenPom is freaking out.
Stevie Ray Vaughan vs. Alice in Chains--Couldn't Stand the Weather vs. Them Bones: Alice in Chains tends to be a divisive band among my more snobbish friends. Are they good or are they bad? Well, um, it's complicated. Though I lean good. And Them Bones is one of their very best songs. It's so damn streamlined as a quintessential AIC song, but it works. Plus, let's be honest--SRV as a songwriter is average at best.
Black Sabbath vs. Allman Brothers Band--Symptom of the Universe vs. Revival (Love is Everywhere): Talk about a nondescript couple of songs from two really good bands. Kind of generic archetypes of the respective bands. And I like Sabbath more. So there.
Judas Priest vs. Steve Miller Band--Painkiller vs. Going to the Country: While Judas Priest has a couple of good songs, they're usually bogged down by being a comically stereotypical metal band. Going to the Country isn't great but at least it isn't terrible. Painkiller is. Sorry, Priest. Here's the rule with you: Go Another Thing Comin or Electric Eye or Go Home. Steve Miller Advances.
Aerosmith vs. 38 Special--Livin on the Edge vs. Back to Paradise: Before selecting, I thought to myself that how long Aerosmith lasted would be strongly related to how quickly they were putting up 80s and 90s songs instead of songs from their 70s heyday. Back to Paradise might be fairly generic Southern Arena Rock fare, but Livin on the Edge is way too damn long of a song. Mild upset as 38 Special advances.
Led Zeppelin vs. Bob Seger--Whole Lotta Love vs. Hollywood Nights: The only way Seger could beat Zeppelin would have been to dig out some old Bob Seger System. But he didn't. Zeppelin advances while I desperately write letters to Mr. Seger asking him to release his pre-Silver Bullet Band work on CD because it's awesome and aside from maybe Her Strut his newer stuff isn't in the same class of pure hard rock.
Pearl Jam vs. Queen--Corduroy vs. Under Pressure: STOP THE FIGHT! STOP THE GODDAMNED FIGHT! QUEEN! QUEEN! GET PEARL JAM OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY GET HURT!
Alice in Chains vs. Black Sabbath--Would? vs. Children of the Grave: The galloping Children of the Grave riff remains one of their most underrated. Meanwhile, I don't think I've ever been high school emo enough to appreciate Would? as much as I imagine the hardcore fans of theirs do. Sabbath continues.
Steve Miller Band vs. 38 Special--Take the Money and Run vs. If I'd Been The One: Both bands kicked it up a notch from last round, and this is going to sound weird since I'm talking about a classic rock mainstay, but I think Take the Money and Run is underrated. Why? The drums. My God, the drums. With the exception of Wonderwall, no song which is so popular has ever had such excellent drumwork overlooked. Steve Miller moves on to the Sweet 16.
Led Zeppelin vs. Queen--Whole Lotta Love vs. We Will Rock You/We are the Champions: Now this is a matchup. The highs of the respective songs go without saying--the Robert Plant wail vs. the signature We Will Rock You riff. In the end, I have to choose based on the weak moments. Nothing about either of these Queen songs (listed as one) is down, while the middle section of Whole Lotta Love has always kind of bored me to tears. Queen advances.
Black Sabbath vs. Steve Miller Band--N.I.B. vs. Jungle Love: Wow, talk about different songs. And I like both of them. Jungle Love is probably helped here by being a fairly direct pop song because when it comes down to it, the opening drum bit and Iommi's guitar solo are all I really like about N.I.B.--the vocals aren't anything special and it's not really in the upper echelon of Sabbath songs. For a second straight year, Steve Miller is making an unusually long run in this tournament. On to the elite eight he goes!
Queen vs. Steve Miller Band--Crazy Little Thing Called Love vs. Jet Airliner: Jet Airliner might be my favorite Steve Miller Band song and by now it should be obvious I like them more than most. But not only is Crazy Little Thing Called Love one of Queen's best songs, it's one of the greatest pop songs ever written. The guitar riff, the rockabilly bass, Freddie Mercury's Elvis impression, I love it so much. I'm going to award this round to Queen before I just gush about CLTCL for an hour.
H Bracket
AC/DC vs. Creedence Clearwater Revival--Jack vs. Bad Moon Rising: What a KSHE thing (said with all love) to have AC/DC and CCR be a 1-16 matchup. It's really unfair to both bands--to imply CCR isn't in the top 60 of bands, and to put such pressure on a good band that is nowhere near rock's four best bands. But in the end, Jack isn't AC/DC's best performance. Bad Moon Rising isn't CCR's either, but it's closer. CCR puls the massive upset!
The Doors vs. Bon Jovi--Light My Fire vs. Runaway: This is completely and totally unfair. One of the most iconic rock songs ever against a song that even most Bon Jovi fans (not really known for their musical taste) don't seem to give two shits about. The Doors move on.
Motley Crue vs. Nirvana--Dr. Feelgood vs. Heart Shaped Box: It might be the Crue's best song and it's not Nirvana's best, but it's close enough. I'm going with Nirvana if for no other reason than concern of what Nikki Sixx will do in celebration if he beats Nirvana (I assume he will be confused and mistake this for an actual honor; it's not like Nikki Sixx is particularly known for being rational).
Guns N Roses vs. Cheap Trick--My Michelle vs. The Flame: Cheap Trick was given a gift by Guns N' Roses, who drew an average album track. But then Cheap Trick drew The Flame, its awful obligatory 80s power ballad. Guns N Roses, around the same time as The Flame, were doing rock much ballsier and thus deserve this win.
The Who vs. Mama's Pride--I'm just giving this to The Who. This is stupid. Then again, The Urge won The Point's bracket a few times so maybe the locals will win, but they shouldn't.
Metallica vs. Billy Idol--Fade to Black vs. Cradle of Love: Creepy pop-punk vs. a song about how life has no meaning because one's guitars and amps were stolen. Ugh. I guess I'll go with Metallica. Not that it factors into my decision but they should have a much better chance in further rounds.
REO Speedwagon vs. John Mellencamp--Like You Do vs. Hurts So Good: This is the perfect matchup for this tournament because my opinion of each artist is really contingent on what song I'm choosing. And I have a soft, reasonably embarrassing soft spot for Like You Do. Considering it's 70s arena rock, it works. Hurts So Good puts up a better fight than like Pink Houses or some shit, but Mellencamp needed to bust out a real big gun (Crumbling Down, Blood on the Scarecrow) to compete.
Ozzy Osbourne vs. Whitesnake--I Don't Know vs. Now You're Gone: Why is I Don't Know an oft-played Ozzy song? Well, um, song title goes here. But it goes here against Zeppelin tribute band Whitesnake with a song that sounds more like Van Hagar than a watered-down Zeppelin, which might have won here. But Ozzy survives here.
Creedence Clearwater Revival vs. The Doors--Green River vs. Love Me Two Times: The song selection of the source Top 10 doesn't do favors to The Doors. Hence there is no Five To One, there's no Waiting For the Sun, there's no Peace Frog, but there is this song, which feels like a Doors parody. Green River is sort of a quintessential CCR song (by the way, they're just CCR going forward). And they're going forward.
Nirvana vs. Guns N Roses--In Bloom vs. Paradise City: In Bloom has a terrific video, but as a song, it's pretty boring. Indecipherable lyrics, standard Nirvana grunge solo, loud-as-fuck drumming, nothing really transcendent. I think I feel about Paradise City the way most people feel about Bon Jovi songs--it's like a battle cry, a big fun anthemic song that makes you feel good. GNR moves on.
The Who vs. Metallica--Who Are You vs. Seek and Destroy: Simply, The Who could have used a first round tune-up because they came out of the game with their worst ever song, the CSI theme itself. Meanwhile, Seek and Destroy captures Metallica at its early thrash best. Metallica advances.
REO Speedwagon vs. Ozzy Osbourne--Ridin the Storm Out vs. Shot in the Dark: Why does Ozzy, whether with Black Sabbath or solo, ever try to do a song like this? This and Changes just confound me. Like, he doesn't have great vocal talent but when he's rocking, people (myself included) love him. Just a regrettable, stupid song. REO slides into the Sweet 16.
CCR vs. GNR--Have You Ever Seen the Rain vs. My Michelle: Again, My Michelle coming back to hurt GNR. As a stirring tribute to "Every movie about the late 60s ever made", I'm opting with CCR.
Metallica vs. REO Speedwagon--One vs. Roll With the Changes: REO's magical run ends here. First of all, REO's song here seems really similar to You Can't Always Get What You Want to me. I'm the only person in the world who thinks this, probably, but I'm rolling with it. Anyway, One is a good song. It's not their best but it's good enough.
CCR vs. Metallica--Up Around the Bend vs. Creeping Death: To me, Up Around the Bend is the great American guitar riff. And I love me some America. In the battle for California, CCR wins the region.
E Region
Sammy Hagar vs. Foghat--Mas Tequila vs. Eight Days on the Road: Seriously, why do St. Louisans love Sammy Hagar? Is it because they just love big dumb rawk? He's not a local or anything, it's just weird. With that said, somewhere along the line, he got an easy first round matchup against a song that basically sounds like a Hagar song with less power. Okay, Mr. Red Rocker, sir, you get your win right here.
Boston vs. Bad Company--More Than a Feeling vs. Ready for Love: Nobody in the world seems to want to admit that More Than A Feeling is one of the great rock songs ever. And I'm one of those people. I will, however, readily admit it's better than Ready for Love.
Journey vs. Stone Temple Pilots--Separate Ways vs. Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart: Oh THANK GOD a good STP song got drawn. I'm not a big fan of the bad and Journey, who I hate more than anything ever, got one of their better songs. But Tripping on a Hole is a good song. So it advances. Phew. I will be able to sleep tonight.
ZZ Top vs. Deep Purple--Rough Boy vs. Space Truckin: Oh cool, Billy Gibbons singing an 80s ballad? This is what the world was waiting for! Deep Purple advances.
Ted Nugent vs. Kansas--Hammerdown vs. Point of Know Return: I'm going with Ted if for no other reason than the spelling of the Kansas song. Also, I avoid picking Kansas in brackets of any kind whenever possible. Also, this region blows so far.
Jimi Hendrix vs. UFO--Fire vs. Doctor Doctor: Okay, okay, Hendrix is in the region. We might be good. And UFO wins several of these matchups so far in the region, but, like, come on, you know who I'm picking.
Def Leppard vs. Billy Squier--Bringin on the Heartbreak vs. The Stroke: Two so-so acts bring their A-game. Def Leppard is a better band in every way though, so they advance. And yes I know my assessment are getting lazier but this shit takes a long time and I'm knocking this out in one sitting.
Van "Roth" vs. Heart--Jamie's Cryin vs. Never: Much like Aerosmith, Heart's success or failure was going to be dependent largely on what decade the song came from. And like Aerosmith, Heart drew the wrong decade. Van Roth advances.
Sammy Hagar vs. Boston--I Can't Drive 55 vs. Smokin: Smokin' is a nice, fun, kind of lame 70s pot song, but the safest rock band ever singing about marijuana is better than Sammy Hagar trying to make some kind of sociopolitical point. Boston advances.
STP vs. Deep Purple--Vasoline vs. Space Truckin: Fun fact, I usually forget the STP song title and call it "Gasoline". Another fun fact, Deep Purple has songs besides Space Truckin, most of which are better. But I'll go with it for now. Hoping it steps up its game next round.
Ted Nugent vs. Jimi Hendrix--Hammerdown vs. Hey Joe: Lol. Hendrix. Goodness did he ever get a hell of an easy region.
Def Leppard vs. Van "Roth"--Rock of Ages vs. Ain't Talkin Bout Love: One of these songs inspired a Tom Cruise musical. Shockingly, I'm going with the other one.
Boston vs. Deep Purple--Rock and Roll Band vs. Strange Kind of Woman: Space Truckin would have lost for Deep Purple. Strange Kind of Woman wins. Good timing, Mr. Purple. Good timing.
Jimi Hendrix vs. Van "Roth"--Foxy Lady vs. And the Cradle Will Rock: Jimi Hendrix finally gets some competition. Kind of. Both are simple enough rock songs but as charismatic as David Lee Roth is, Hendrix he ain't. Hendrix advances.
Deep Purple vs. Jimi Hendrix--Speed King vs. Fire: I'm tempted to shock anyone reading this by going with Deep Purple here. It's a good, underrated song. But in the end, I'd rather listen to Jimi Hendrix do his thing on guitar rather than hear Jon Lord play organ for a long part for some reason. Jimi moves on.
Final Four
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Jimi Hendrix--On the Hunt vs. Foxy Lady: On the Hunt is a nice, underrated Skynyrd song from the appropriately titled album Nuthin Fancy. That's why Lynyrd Skynyrd is, nothing fancy at all. And this is a nice, simple blues-rocker. I imagine if I were alive in 1975, I'd think it were a nice song. But if I were alive in 1967 when Foxy Lady came out, I can't imagine being able to stand it. In a good way. Hendrix to the final.
Queen vs. CCR--Bohemian Rhapsody vs. Proud Mary: A bit more of a blowout here than I'd have liked. Perhaps Proud Mary has just gotten ruined by the Tina Turner cover version, which isn't even good yet is famous and stuff, but in terms of both desirability of listening and sheer musical ambition, it's Queen.
The Final
I'm psyched for this final. One battle royale between the American guitar virtuoso who came to prominence in London and the most American sounding British arena rockers of them all. OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Jimi Hendrix vs. Queen--Fire vs. Crazy Little Thing Called Love: A couple of usual suspects here. And two songs I really love by two amazing artists. Strangely, perhaps my favorite thing about Fire is the not-even-great-sounding backing vocals (by Noel Redding? I'm not sure). That's not to downplay it, it's a solid rock song. But as I said before, CLTCL is just about perfect. It's a little like Moondance by Van Morrison--both were covered inferiorly but decently by Michael Buble, but there's a reason why. They both sound like standards. Like, I could imagine people covering Crazy Little Thing Called Love thirty years from now in the same way that people cover Johnny B. Goode. It's just everything great rock and roll and great pop should be.
Is Queen my favorite band ever? No. A good band, certainly, though not my absolute favorite. But, with that said, they are my 2013 March Bandness champion.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
2013 St. Louis Cardinals Preview
I am predicting that the 2013 St. Louis Cardinals will finish second in their division and finish third in the Wild Card standings.
This isn't really an outlandish prediction--pretty much every source is predicting a 2nd place divisional finish. The Reds won the division decisively and they improved from last year. The Cardinals more or less stayed equal, perhaps dropping incrementally. But here's a few major predictions about the team, in no particular order.
Yadier Molina is going to come back down to Earth a little bit: Yadi's offense has steadily improved basically his entire career but his 2012 was simply insane. He's getting (for a catcher) old and people who think he's going to improve on OPSing nearly .900 are nuts. He didn't OPS .800 until 2011--as long as he keeps his OPS above .800 I'll be quite all right.
I'm more worried about the #4 spot than the #8: There is a lot of concern about Pete Kozma and what kind of offense he'll bring to the plate (haha, get it? Because it's a common metaphor but it's also literally what he will be doing!), but it's worth reminding that the Cardinals made the playoffs with Brendan Ryan at shortstop. People worry about Pete Kozma because his hitting stats were pretty terrible in the minors, but in the majors they've been stronger. It's a small sample size, yes, but they also were better in 2011. Some guys just do better in the majors. Maybe they're just bored or apathetic or something in the minors, I don't know, but it happens. It's the exception to the rule and it's too early to determine whether Kozma is one of those guys, but if the concern is how the guy batting eighth bats, it's going to be okay. I'm more concerned about Allen Craig as a cleanup hitter. He hit pretty well last year but who knows what will happen after he got his extension? He also was pretty under the radar last season and now he's the cleanup hitter in a good lineup.
If Kolten Wong gets called up, God help us all: Kolten Wong is already the anointed Cardinals second baseman of the future and I'll take the word of people who know these sorts of things better than I do. But he will get absolutely eviscerated whenever he comes up. The hype this guy has suggests he's going to be a big time MLB hitter. That's really not what anyone should reasonably expect he will be--we should expect he'll be a big time MLB hitter for a second baseman. He OPSed .753 in AA last year. This is perfectly fine for a second baseman but for some reason, people expect their middle infielders to be every bit the sluggers of first basemen and corner outfielders. The best second baseman in the Cardinals organization in my lifetime, Fernando Vina, never OPSed .800 in a season. It didn't matter; he was playing (quite well) a premium defensive position. Whenever Wong comes up, possibly this year but more likely in 2014, please be patient.
David Freese might finally be ready to just be a guy: In October of 2011, David Freese went from being a supremely underrated baseball player to a supremely overrated one. And in 2012, he more or less played what I believe to be what he is when healthy--a good, non-superstar type baseball player. He's not Mike Schmidt or George Brett. He is, however, a terrific piece to have for a good team, and maybe with the World Series long over, people will accept that this is what he is.
Don't give Waino a blank check: You know how after Albert Pujols signed with the Angels, all these Cardinals fans (myself included) were relieved that the team hadn't paid for sentimental value? Well, this situation could be happening again with Adam Wainwright. For some reason, Cardinals fans don't have a realistic grasp of what Adam Wainwright is. Adam Wainwright has one all-star appearance. He has never started a World Series game. He turns 32 this year and has had two outstanding seasons and a couple other good ones. He's a good player--he's not Roy Halladay, he's not Justin Verlander, he's not worth an absolute top-dollar contract. Potential 2014 rotation that won't even require re-signings: Garcia, Lynn, Miller, Rosenthal, Kelly. Oh yeah, Michael Wacha and Carlos Martinez, too. Holy shit this depth. Sure it's a nice luxury to have Adam Wainwright but that doesn't mean you sacrifice your payroll for him.
Let's stop pretending Trevor Rosenthal is as top-notch of a prospect as Shelby Miller:Trevor Rosenthal has a faster fastball than Shelby Miller. He has worse statistics by basically every metric and scouts agree Shelby is better. Rosenthal isn't an untouchable prospect. If the Texas Rangers will agree to my favorite hypothetical trade, Matt Adams and Trevor Rosenthal for Elvis Andrus, you take it in four seconds.
Fin.
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