Here it is, for the second straight year, I'm going through the entire KSHE 95 March Bandness bracket. I will be changing it up a little bit from last year's edition, but the same principle remains--63 matchups of musical fun coming from your favorite sporadic blogger who has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever to do this.
First things first though--I want to give KSHE credit for being a great sport. Half of my post last year was a vaguely hostile threat towards the station yet they not only retweeted it, but they responded to specific things I said (meaning they must have at least kind-of read it). In the last year I've started listening to the radio more than I had previously and I personally believe KSHE has improved dramatically over what it was when I was in high school. An increased reliance on "true" classic rock bands (much more Tom Petty, much more Rolling Stones, much less Pearl Jam) has made them become once again probably my most listened-to music radio station.
Second, here is the format change--rather than pick my favorite band, I'm going to do a random number generator 1-10 and then go with a corresponding song by that band from the website DigitalDreamDoor.com and their list series "Top Ten Songs by Popular Rock Artists". Basically, this will reflect the true ethos of March Madness--the best team (band) doesn't ALWAYS win. If you're going to (completely random example) have Led Zeppelin going against Peter Frampton, it would be a likely LZ blowout, but what if you got LZ's 10th best song against Frampton's best? All of a sudden, it becomes random. Thus, this bracket is more of a simulation than any sort of conclusive decision-maker. Here we go!
K Bracket
Rush vs. Blue Oyster Cult--Closer to the Heart vs. Black Blade: I will freely admit I have to listen to the iTunes snippet of Black Blade here. Not so much with Rush--even though this is their 10th best song as per this website, KSHE has always played a lot of Rush, for better or worse (I think they're probably a bit critically underrated though massively overrated by their insane fans). *Listens to clip* Hey, I think I've heard this song before! Shit, I'm such a musical savant. And I can't say I care too terribly much for it. At least not enough to unseat the de facto 1-seed in Rush. The Canadians live to fight another day.
Eric Clapton vs. Scorpions--Wonderful Tonight vs. Wind of Change: Really, a rough draw for both here. Indisputably Eric Clapton's wussiest of his wussy pop songs vs. the cheesy German reunification anthem. I wish I could bring BOC back into the fold because I'd have picked Black Blade easily over both of these songs. With that said, Slowhand didn't come to play. Scorpions advance.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Nickelback--You Got That Right vs. Animals: (Note, Nickeblack isn't listed on DDD's Top 10 by Artist, so I went off iTunes, and somehow Animals is apparently their second biggest song on Artist Essentials? Okay then. Anyway, in future cases of this I'll just go off iTunes and if there's no artist essentials, I'll go by sales totals, and if they're not on iTunes at all, I don't care about them anyway) I've established several times that I think Nickelback gets way too much crap. They're not a good band but there's a lot of terrible bands, even worse bands (lookin' at you, Staind), that don't get ripped en masse like Nickelback. With that said, You Got That Right is a way better song than Animals. Plus I can't really go with two Canadian bands in three matchups. Live forever, Steve Gaines.
Rolling Stones vs. U2--You Can't Always Get What You Want vs. New Years Day: Holy heavyweight matchup. Seriously, Mick or Bono gets booted in Round 1. And while as a whole I'd go Stones in a heartbeat, they didn't come to play in their first round matchup. This particular Rolling Stones song isn't very good. It's too long and pretentious and because this is bizarro-world, U2 moves on by being less pretentious than somebody. I don't even know what to believe anymore.
Tom Petty vs. The Police--Breakdown vs. Message in a Bottle: Speaking of clashes of the titans, this. Seriously (and I'm going with the defending champions, The Police, here), Tom Petty and the Stones are already gone. If I get to a later bracket and there's a matchup between like Journey and Billy Squier I'm going to start throwing everything.
Van Hagar vs. The Cars--Can't Stop Lovin You vs. Good Times Roll: I'm not entirely sure why Van Halen are two separate entries (at least I assume they are at this point), especially when Sammy Hagar's Van Halen is terrible (for what it's worth, I greatly prefer Sammy Hagar's solo career to Van Hagar, and I greatly prefer Van Halen with David Lee Roth to Hagar solo; I find nothing positive or redeeming about Van Hagar whatsoever, although my dad thinks the band sucked until Sammy came around, so take that as you choose). Okay, I'm done ranting against Van Hagar, because I'm picking The Cars, who brought their game a lot more than they really needed to do for this round (as somebody who puts The Cars' debut album in his personal Top 10, arguably even Top 5, going with the album's opening track is always a win).
Kiss vs. Foreigner--Forever vs. I Want to Know What Love Is: For randomly generated results, there have been some very subpar performances so far. Both bands throw out their most overwrought ballads? With me judging? Do they not even give a shit about winning this thing? Admittedly I haven't heard Forever in a while so I'll give it an iTunes go. *Listens* The fuck is this, Heart? This song is still terrible. I guess I'll go with Foreigner, though I'm very disappointed in both of you.
Pink Floyd vs. The Beatles--Pigs (Three Different Ones) vs. A Day In the Life: Seriously, Kiss/Foreigner is a matchup and so is Pink Floyd/Beatles. Oh well, one has to go. And Floyd just didn't bring it by going with an 11-and-a-half minute song about Animal Farm. I like Animal Farm, I like rock and roll, and I like the two kept as far apart as possible. Beatles advance.
Rush vs. Scorpions--Closer to the Heart vs. Blackout: Okay, Rush, you got away with your pseudo-intellectual bollocks in Round 1, but you can't bring that weak shit all the time and prosper. Blackout may not be a great rock song, but it is a rock song. I hesitate to call Scorpions a Cinderella because they'll probably proceed to put a half-naked Cinderella in a dog collar and covered in motor oil on their next album, but in the meantime they do advance to the Sweet 16.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. U2--Tuesday's Gone vs. Walk On: Following an impressive upsetting of The Rolling Stones in the first round, U2 comes out with Walk On, which may be the most U2 song ever. Not their worst song, but nothing exceptional. Tuesday's Gone is Skynyrd's best ballad (and no, Free Bird is a not a ballad; if your song includes a five-plus minute guitar solo that gets faster as it goes, it's not a goddamned ballad) and so they advance to the Sweet 16. They could be poised for a nice little run provided that they don't start trotting out non-Ronnie era songs.
The Police vs. The Cars--Wrapped Around Your Finger vs. Good Times Roll: Ocasek and Co. sticking with a proven formula and Good Times Roll, a song which could beat or could lose to many Police songs. And here it draws Wrapped Around Your Finger, which is in many ways the first Sting solo song stylistically rather than a Police single. This is not a good thing. The defending champs are done. The Cars advance.
Foreigner vs. The Beatles--Dirty White Boy vs.: Okay, it doesn't matter. I'm going with The Beatles. This just isn't even fair. Okay, fine, integrity of the bracket and shit I'll get the Beatles song lined up and...Strawberry Fields Forever. Yup, still Beatles. Okay, happy now, world?
Scorpions vs. Lynyrd Skynyrd--Blackout vs. You Got That Right: Welp, two bands going with proven formulas. The problem here is that Scorpions only won with Blackout because they were going against Neil Peart's "poetry". You Got That Right, while not even close to being Skynyrd's most famous song, is a pretty damn good one. Skynyrd moves on to the Elite Eight. How bout that.
The Cars vs. The Beatles--Just What I Needed vs. Strawberry Fields Forever: The Cars are sticking to well-established territory. Smart move. Stick to the wonderful new wave power-pop meets hard-rock of the debut album and not some of the shittier later work. Frankly, Strawberry Fields is a bit overrated. Kind of a lazy psychedelia, if you think about it. "Strawberry Fields, nothing is real." Come on, Lennon, you're better than that. Hell, you wrote Tomorrow Never Knows BEFORE you wrote this. I could go on for days about how the later Beatles were pretty much dragged down by Lennon after he was the driving force behind Revolver, the band's best album, but whatever. The Cars with the upset.
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. The Cars--Simple Man vs. Drive: Disappointing showing for an Elite Eight matchup, though I am rather proud of America for producing two bands that are as decidedly different as these two. Simple Man isn't Skynyrd's best song, and it's been cliched into oblivion by Busch, but Drive, in spite of allowing Ric Ocasek to marry a goddamned supermodel, isn't good at all. Skynyrd moves on to the final four.
S Bracket
Led Zeppelin vs. Alice Cooper--Dazed and Confused vs. You And Me: *Listens to You And Me*. Well, it's not the Lifehouse song, but it might as well be. This sounds like it came from Alice Cooper's "Listen to the Flower People" era. Led Zeppelin, by a lot.
Bob Seger vs. Eagles--Hollywood Nights vs. Best of My Love: My mom probably thinks this is the toughest matchup in the first round. Not really, she loves the Eagles and I don't know her opinions on Seger, but you get the point. Basically, these are two acts who have rock sides (at which Seger is way better) and wussy BS sides (at which the Eagles are better). No contrast here though--Seger's "rock" song beats the Eagles making horrible soft acoustic pop for cocaine money.
Styx vs. Pearl Jam--Suite Madame Blue vs. World Wide Suicide: Okay, THIS is the worst first round matchup of them all. It just has to be. Pearl Jam, sensing perhaps they won't be long for this tournament, actually brought it though, contrasting Dennis DeYoung's pop-prog with one of their better rockers. Pearl Jam advances.
Queen vs. Charlie Daniels Band--Another One Bites the Dust vs. The Devil Went Down to Georgia: The only Charlie Daniels song that could beat ANY Queen song would be Long Haired Country Boy, and even that would only been a small group of them. And Another One Bites the Dust is awesome, so this is kind of a blowout win for Queen. This should help their Pythag quite a bit. KenPom is freaking out.
Stevie Ray Vaughan vs. Alice in Chains--Couldn't Stand the Weather vs. Them Bones: Alice in Chains tends to be a divisive band among my more snobbish friends. Are they good or are they bad? Well, um, it's complicated. Though I lean good. And Them Bones is one of their very best songs. It's so damn streamlined as a quintessential AIC song, but it works. Plus, let's be honest--SRV as a songwriter is average at best.
Black Sabbath vs. Allman Brothers Band--Symptom of the Universe vs. Revival (Love is Everywhere): Talk about a nondescript couple of songs from two really good bands. Kind of generic archetypes of the respective bands. And I like Sabbath more. So there.
Judas Priest vs. Steve Miller Band--Painkiller vs. Going to the Country: While Judas Priest has a couple of good songs, they're usually bogged down by being a comically stereotypical metal band. Going to the Country isn't great but at least it isn't terrible. Painkiller is. Sorry, Priest. Here's the rule with you: Go Another Thing Comin or Electric Eye or Go Home. Steve Miller Advances.
Aerosmith vs. 38 Special--Livin on the Edge vs. Back to Paradise: Before selecting, I thought to myself that how long Aerosmith lasted would be strongly related to how quickly they were putting up 80s and 90s songs instead of songs from their 70s heyday. Back to Paradise might be fairly generic Southern Arena Rock fare, but Livin on the Edge is way too damn long of a song. Mild upset as 38 Special advances.
Led Zeppelin vs. Bob Seger--Whole Lotta Love vs. Hollywood Nights: The only way Seger could beat Zeppelin would have been to dig out some old Bob Seger System. But he didn't. Zeppelin advances while I desperately write letters to Mr. Seger asking him to release his pre-Silver Bullet Band work on CD because it's awesome and aside from maybe Her Strut his newer stuff isn't in the same class of pure hard rock.
Pearl Jam vs. Queen--Corduroy vs. Under Pressure: STOP THE FIGHT! STOP THE GODDAMNED FIGHT! QUEEN! QUEEN! GET PEARL JAM OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY GET HURT!
Alice in Chains vs. Black Sabbath--Would? vs. Children of the Grave: The galloping Children of the Grave riff remains one of their most underrated. Meanwhile, I don't think I've ever been high school emo enough to appreciate Would? as much as I imagine the hardcore fans of theirs do. Sabbath continues.
Steve Miller Band vs. 38 Special--Take the Money and Run vs. If I'd Been The One: Both bands kicked it up a notch from last round, and this is going to sound weird since I'm talking about a classic rock mainstay, but I think Take the Money and Run is underrated. Why? The drums. My God, the drums. With the exception of Wonderwall, no song which is so popular has ever had such excellent drumwork overlooked. Steve Miller moves on to the Sweet 16.
Led Zeppelin vs. Queen--Whole Lotta Love vs. We Will Rock You/We are the Champions: Now this is a matchup. The highs of the respective songs go without saying--the Robert Plant wail vs. the signature We Will Rock You riff. In the end, I have to choose based on the weak moments. Nothing about either of these Queen songs (listed as one) is down, while the middle section of Whole Lotta Love has always kind of bored me to tears. Queen advances.
Black Sabbath vs. Steve Miller Band--N.I.B. vs. Jungle Love: Wow, talk about different songs. And I like both of them. Jungle Love is probably helped here by being a fairly direct pop song because when it comes down to it, the opening drum bit and Iommi's guitar solo are all I really like about N.I.B.--the vocals aren't anything special and it's not really in the upper echelon of Sabbath songs. For a second straight year, Steve Miller is making an unusually long run in this tournament. On to the elite eight he goes!
Queen vs. Steve Miller Band--Crazy Little Thing Called Love vs. Jet Airliner: Jet Airliner might be my favorite Steve Miller Band song and by now it should be obvious I like them more than most. But not only is Crazy Little Thing Called Love one of Queen's best songs, it's one of the greatest pop songs ever written. The guitar riff, the rockabilly bass, Freddie Mercury's Elvis impression, I love it so much. I'm going to award this round to Queen before I just gush about CLTCL for an hour.
H Bracket
AC/DC vs. Creedence Clearwater Revival--Jack vs. Bad Moon Rising: What a KSHE thing (said with all love) to have AC/DC and CCR be a 1-16 matchup. It's really unfair to both bands--to imply CCR isn't in the top 60 of bands, and to put such pressure on a good band that is nowhere near rock's four best bands. But in the end, Jack isn't AC/DC's best performance. Bad Moon Rising isn't CCR's either, but it's closer. CCR puls the massive upset!
The Doors vs. Bon Jovi--Light My Fire vs. Runaway: This is completely and totally unfair. One of the most iconic rock songs ever against a song that even most Bon Jovi fans (not really known for their musical taste) don't seem to give two shits about. The Doors move on.
Motley Crue vs. Nirvana--Dr. Feelgood vs. Heart Shaped Box: It might be the Crue's best song and it's not Nirvana's best, but it's close enough. I'm going with Nirvana if for no other reason than concern of what Nikki Sixx will do in celebration if he beats Nirvana (I assume he will be confused and mistake this for an actual honor; it's not like Nikki Sixx is particularly known for being rational).
Guns N Roses vs. Cheap Trick--My Michelle vs. The Flame: Cheap Trick was given a gift by Guns N' Roses, who drew an average album track. But then Cheap Trick drew The Flame, its awful obligatory 80s power ballad. Guns N Roses, around the same time as The Flame, were doing rock much ballsier and thus deserve this win.
The Who vs. Mama's Pride--I'm just giving this to The Who. This is stupid. Then again, The Urge won The Point's bracket a few times so maybe the locals will win, but they shouldn't.
Metallica vs. Billy Idol--Fade to Black vs. Cradle of Love: Creepy pop-punk vs. a song about how life has no meaning because one's guitars and amps were stolen. Ugh. I guess I'll go with Metallica. Not that it factors into my decision but they should have a much better chance in further rounds.
REO Speedwagon vs. John Mellencamp--Like You Do vs. Hurts So Good: This is the perfect matchup for this tournament because my opinion of each artist is really contingent on what song I'm choosing. And I have a soft, reasonably embarrassing soft spot for Like You Do. Considering it's 70s arena rock, it works. Hurts So Good puts up a better fight than like Pink Houses or some shit, but Mellencamp needed to bust out a real big gun (Crumbling Down, Blood on the Scarecrow) to compete.
Ozzy Osbourne vs. Whitesnake--I Don't Know vs. Now You're Gone: Why is I Don't Know an oft-played Ozzy song? Well, um, song title goes here. But it goes here against Zeppelin tribute band Whitesnake with a song that sounds more like Van Hagar than a watered-down Zeppelin, which might have won here. But Ozzy survives here.
Creedence Clearwater Revival vs. The Doors--Green River vs. Love Me Two Times: The song selection of the source Top 10 doesn't do favors to The Doors. Hence there is no Five To One, there's no Waiting For the Sun, there's no Peace Frog, but there is this song, which feels like a Doors parody. Green River is sort of a quintessential CCR song (by the way, they're just CCR going forward). And they're going forward.
Nirvana vs. Guns N Roses--In Bloom vs. Paradise City: In Bloom has a terrific video, but as a song, it's pretty boring. Indecipherable lyrics, standard Nirvana grunge solo, loud-as-fuck drumming, nothing really transcendent. I think I feel about Paradise City the way most people feel about Bon Jovi songs--it's like a battle cry, a big fun anthemic song that makes you feel good. GNR moves on.
The Who vs. Metallica--Who Are You vs. Seek and Destroy: Simply, The Who could have used a first round tune-up because they came out of the game with their worst ever song, the CSI theme itself. Meanwhile, Seek and Destroy captures Metallica at its early thrash best. Metallica advances.
REO Speedwagon vs. Ozzy Osbourne--Ridin the Storm Out vs. Shot in the Dark: Why does Ozzy, whether with Black Sabbath or solo, ever try to do a song like this? This and Changes just confound me. Like, he doesn't have great vocal talent but when he's rocking, people (myself included) love him. Just a regrettable, stupid song. REO slides into the Sweet 16.
CCR vs. GNR--Have You Ever Seen the Rain vs. My Michelle: Again, My Michelle coming back to hurt GNR. As a stirring tribute to "Every movie about the late 60s ever made", I'm opting with CCR.
Metallica vs. REO Speedwagon--One vs. Roll With the Changes: REO's magical run ends here. First of all, REO's song here seems really similar to You Can't Always Get What You Want to me. I'm the only person in the world who thinks this, probably, but I'm rolling with it. Anyway, One is a good song. It's not their best but it's good enough.
CCR vs. Metallica--Up Around the Bend vs. Creeping Death: To me, Up Around the Bend is the great American guitar riff. And I love me some America. In the battle for California, CCR wins the region.
E Region
Sammy Hagar vs. Foghat--Mas Tequila vs. Eight Days on the Road: Seriously, why do St. Louisans love Sammy Hagar? Is it because they just love big dumb rawk? He's not a local or anything, it's just weird. With that said, somewhere along the line, he got an easy first round matchup against a song that basically sounds like a Hagar song with less power. Okay, Mr. Red Rocker, sir, you get your win right here.
Boston vs. Bad Company--More Than a Feeling vs. Ready for Love: Nobody in the world seems to want to admit that More Than A Feeling is one of the great rock songs ever. And I'm one of those people. I will, however, readily admit it's better than Ready for Love.
Journey vs. Stone Temple Pilots--Separate Ways vs. Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart: Oh THANK GOD a good STP song got drawn. I'm not a big fan of the bad and Journey, who I hate more than anything ever, got one of their better songs. But Tripping on a Hole is a good song. So it advances. Phew. I will be able to sleep tonight.
ZZ Top vs. Deep Purple--Rough Boy vs. Space Truckin: Oh cool, Billy Gibbons singing an 80s ballad? This is what the world was waiting for! Deep Purple advances.
Ted Nugent vs. Kansas--Hammerdown vs. Point of Know Return: I'm going with Ted if for no other reason than the spelling of the Kansas song. Also, I avoid picking Kansas in brackets of any kind whenever possible. Also, this region blows so far.
Jimi Hendrix vs. UFO--Fire vs. Doctor Doctor: Okay, okay, Hendrix is in the region. We might be good. And UFO wins several of these matchups so far in the region, but, like, come on, you know who I'm picking.
Def Leppard vs. Billy Squier--Bringin on the Heartbreak vs. The Stroke: Two so-so acts bring their A-game. Def Leppard is a better band in every way though, so they advance. And yes I know my assessment are getting lazier but this shit takes a long time and I'm knocking this out in one sitting.
Van "Roth" vs. Heart--Jamie's Cryin vs. Never: Much like Aerosmith, Heart's success or failure was going to be dependent largely on what decade the song came from. And like Aerosmith, Heart drew the wrong decade. Van Roth advances.
Sammy Hagar vs. Boston--I Can't Drive 55 vs. Smokin: Smokin' is a nice, fun, kind of lame 70s pot song, but the safest rock band ever singing about marijuana is better than Sammy Hagar trying to make some kind of sociopolitical point. Boston advances.
STP vs. Deep Purple--Vasoline vs. Space Truckin: Fun fact, I usually forget the STP song title and call it "Gasoline". Another fun fact, Deep Purple has songs besides Space Truckin, most of which are better. But I'll go with it for now. Hoping it steps up its game next round.
Ted Nugent vs. Jimi Hendrix--Hammerdown vs. Hey Joe: Lol. Hendrix. Goodness did he ever get a hell of an easy region.
Def Leppard vs. Van "Roth"--Rock of Ages vs. Ain't Talkin Bout Love: One of these songs inspired a Tom Cruise musical. Shockingly, I'm going with the other one.
Boston vs. Deep Purple--Rock and Roll Band vs. Strange Kind of Woman: Space Truckin would have lost for Deep Purple. Strange Kind of Woman wins. Good timing, Mr. Purple. Good timing.
Jimi Hendrix vs. Van "Roth"--Foxy Lady vs. And the Cradle Will Rock: Jimi Hendrix finally gets some competition. Kind of. Both are simple enough rock songs but as charismatic as David Lee Roth is, Hendrix he ain't. Hendrix advances.
Deep Purple vs. Jimi Hendrix--Speed King vs. Fire: I'm tempted to shock anyone reading this by going with Deep Purple here. It's a good, underrated song. But in the end, I'd rather listen to Jimi Hendrix do his thing on guitar rather than hear Jon Lord play organ for a long part for some reason. Jimi moves on.
Final Four
Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. Jimi Hendrix--On the Hunt vs. Foxy Lady: On the Hunt is a nice, underrated Skynyrd song from the appropriately titled album Nuthin Fancy. That's why Lynyrd Skynyrd is, nothing fancy at all. And this is a nice, simple blues-rocker. I imagine if I were alive in 1975, I'd think it were a nice song. But if I were alive in 1967 when Foxy Lady came out, I can't imagine being able to stand it. In a good way. Hendrix to the final.
Queen vs. CCR--Bohemian Rhapsody vs. Proud Mary: A bit more of a blowout here than I'd have liked. Perhaps Proud Mary has just gotten ruined by the Tina Turner cover version, which isn't even good yet is famous and stuff, but in terms of both desirability of listening and sheer musical ambition, it's Queen.
The Final
I'm psyched for this final. One battle royale between the American guitar virtuoso who came to prominence in London and the most American sounding British arena rockers of them all. OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Jimi Hendrix vs. Queen--Fire vs. Crazy Little Thing Called Love: A couple of usual suspects here. And two songs I really love by two amazing artists. Strangely, perhaps my favorite thing about Fire is the not-even-great-sounding backing vocals (by Noel Redding? I'm not sure). That's not to downplay it, it's a solid rock song. But as I said before, CLTCL is just about perfect. It's a little like Moondance by Van Morrison--both were covered inferiorly but decently by Michael Buble, but there's a reason why. They both sound like standards. Like, I could imagine people covering Crazy Little Thing Called Love thirty years from now in the same way that people cover Johnny B. Goode. It's just everything great rock and roll and great pop should be.
Is Queen my favorite band ever? No. A good band, certainly, though not my absolute favorite. But, with that said, they are my 2013 March Bandness champion.
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