The Five Worst Ads on 101 ESPN

101 ESPN is an easy target because every sports talk radio station is an easy target. But as somebody who has listened to at least some degree of sports talk in metro St. Louis my entire life, I must say that 101 ESPN is a gigantic upgrade over most of its predecessors. Notably, lack of Kevin Slaten. But the commercials are terrible. As much as I enjoy the on-air talent pretty much uniformly, the commercials on 101 ESPN are some of the most aesthetically unpleasing things to ever be produced without a trace of irony. And here is a quick list of the five worst active ads.

5. Michelle Smallmon vouches for Fast Eddie's Bon Air as a great date location--Michelle Smallmon is basically the real-life Smurfette: She exists in a world in which she is literally the only female and thus she was destined to become the archetype for the culture's women. Basically the #2 female on 101 ESPN is Mike Greenberg. So, as she says in this particularly hilarious ad, she has "kind of become the resident dating guru." Makes sense. It was going to be her or Softli. And then, it turns out, guys are constantly asking for ways to impress women. Let's see what Michelle Smallmon says--she shills for diamonds, so that would make sense. Maybe she's doing a promo for some kind of his and her spa treatment or something like that. But nope--apparently the key to Michelle Smallmon's heart is a date through Fast Eddie's. The commercial here isn't inherently hilarious--it's the concept that impressing a date by going to Fast Eddie's Bon Air in Alton is anything but a terrible idea. And I say this as a fan of Fast Eddie's--it's basically a dive bar. It's the kind of place you go with your friends. Maybe it's the kind of place you go with your girlfriend after at least a few months where you're less going on "dates" and more "hanging out." But it certainly isn't a place to impress. Fast Eddie's used to run logical adverts on 101 ESPN--you'd get Eddie's gruff voice to talk about how cheap the food is and how cold the beer is. That's what Fast Eddie's is about. There is no ambiance. There is no romance. Yet I guess if Michelle Smallmon says it is...maybe some women have different concepts of romance than I do.

4. Three Year-Old Wants You To Buy A Goddamned Kia--Adhering to the standards of class that I've come to expect from car salesmen, one brave local Kia dealer has decided to trot out a three year-old to explain why these Kias are the shit, or something. First of all, this kid sounds older than three--maybe like five or six, but that's really besides the point. The point is that WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC MOTHERFUCKER IS BUYING A NEW CAR BECAUSE A THREE YEAR OLD SAYS TO? And oh, that's so cute, he says selling like "thelling". Speech impediments are so adorable. I'll drop five figures on a car just to prove that commercial works.

3. RYAN KELLEY WANTS YOU TO REFINANCE--HEY GUYS ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING JERKED AROUND? WELL I'M RYAN KELLEY, ST. LOUIS'S HOME LOAN EXPERT AND I'M HEAR TO YELL TO YOU THAT I AM ST. LOUIS'S HOME LOAN EXPERT. I AM GOOD FRIENDS WITH ALL OF THE LOCAL RADIO PERSONALITIES AND THAT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE MY ENTIRE ADVERTISING BUDGET BESIDES THAT ONE STUPID BILLBOARD ON HIGHWAY 40 APPEARS TO GO TO THIS RADIO STATION. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHAT KIND OF GREEDY BANK WOULD WANT TO APPRAISE YOU HOUSE BEFORE GIVING YOU A REFINANCE? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO WORK WITH A COMPANY THAT IS ACTUALLY "SELECTIVE" AND DOESN'T JUST OFFER MONEY FOR NOTHING? THAT'S CRAZY!!!!!!!! COME REFINANCE YOUR HOUSE WITH A GUY BECAUSE HE IS YELLING AD NAUSEUM ON SPORTS TALK RADIO.

2. PNC Student Epitomizes Why White People Are The Worst--A clearly Caucasian girl talks on the radio ad about how she wants to go on vacation after graduating from school before working. First of all, fuck you, you're an idiot. Either you're wasting the money you worked hard to get or you're wasting the money your parents should be spending on something other than your goddamned frivolities. Second, everything this woman says makes a socialist revolution seem not too bad. "Where should I go? Down undah?" Lol that's so funny, the most half-assed Australian accent ever, you're so cute! Oh, you're also considering "Pair-ee". Cool. Regrettably, girl, this isn't the 1780s and the Bourgeoisie are no longer in power. Seriously, this girl sucks. But oh wait, there's one more! "England. Ooh, the royal baby is due! Do they make crowns that small?" It makes sense now. She's one of "those" Americans--the type of people who are deeply concerned over the gender of Prince William and Kate Middleton's baby but have absolutely no clue who David Cameron is. Screw you people.

1. Kars 4 Kids ruins society--There are bad ads, and then there is Kars 4 Kids. These ads make Flo from Progressive ads look like Godfather movies. It was bad enough when it was a borderline a capella song performed by an only marginally annoying kid but now it's just truly the worst. I'd try to find an actual video of the current monstrosity but then you'd be subjected unnecessarily to what shitheads in advertising consider acceptable. It starts with (shocking!) a young boy with a lisp singing the familiar, awful jingle "1-877-Kars 4 Kids. K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids. 1-877-Kars 4 Kids, donate your car today!" But now it's (for some reason) over the kind of guitar sound they'd play in songs in my 3rd grade music class to try to seem cool and contemporary. Next comes in, as per Kars 4 Kids rules, an adult who has to be AT LEAST thirty to sing the same little ditty. Seriously, why the fuck is this guy hanging out with this very young kid who seems to have been created in a lab to sound as vulnerable as possible? Also, why is Jerry Sandusky directing radio advertisements for charities? Anyway, the young kid gets lines again and starts yelling information, with some of the worst writing you could possibly devise. This kid uses the phrase "what's more" within a breath of saying he doesn't understand what a tax deduction is. Seriously, this commercial is an abomination. Admittedly, if it weren't for their ads, I would have never heard of the organization, which would theoretically make it effective, but I sure as hell don't want to donate a car to Kars 4 Kids. If I win the lottery, I'm buying a new car and I'm taking my current one to wherever the Kars 4 Kids headquarters is. I'm then going to proceed to take an ax to my car and render it as useless as possible for these assholes. Just to prove a point. That or maybe I'll just offer to donate my entire winnings to children's charities if they stop these commercials which destroy America.