This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
Um, I guess.
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?
Nope, I'd lie my ass off. "No, I didn't cheat." "But John, I saw you cheat. Hell, I have it on camera." "Wasn't me." Thanks for the life guidance, Shaggy. Appreciate it!
The last time you felt honestly broken?
I haven't. I had to get stitches in my head when I was four so that's probably the closest I have come to feeling broken.
Are you craving something?
No, I just ate some tortilla chips with salsa. Tasted okay. Not great but serviceable. I'd give it a 7/10. Thanks for your concern!
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Something better to do than this survey, probably.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
None. I hope I never meet the kind of person who would answer "ten." Like, that's horrifying. If you want a kid or two, that's fine, but ten? Why do you hate yourself?
What do you hear right now?
Dan McLaughlin's voice. As I was typing that, I started hearing Al Hrabosky's voice. I hate my life.
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
I think it's only against one. Honestly, I spend so little time in my bedroom that I'm not positive. I'd go check but I can't fathom how this fact would be relevant. Like, if your bed is against two walls, does that make you more likely to be a serial killer? Because I could see that.
What’s on your mind right now?
Thank God these questions are such softballs. If I get to the end of this survey and they start asking questions about subliminal sexual desires or something, this is going to get uncomfortable. I guess if you're making a survey for teens, you probably don't want to get too, um, intense with it.
Are you there for your friends?
No, I'm in my living room right now.
Last person to see you cry?
Shit, I can't remember the last time I cried. I'll go with my mom. This seems like a reasonably safe guess. I guess if I were really a teenager answering this question, I would have just cried myself to sleep listening to Senses Fail or some shit last night. Oh well. I am what I am.
What do you do when you get nervous?
I do shit. If I'm nervous because I have some sort of daunting work assignment, I do it. If I'm nervous because I'm in an awkward social situation, I leave or I try to make the situation better.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
I hate everybody. Especially people who read my blog.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
22. This is going to be a challenge since I'm 24 and, to my knowledge, do not have any children at this present moment, but I'm going to go with 22. Gotta figure the odds are pretty long--worth putting a buck down on.
Does anyone completely understand you?
Fuck, I don't completely understand me.
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. Ty Wigginton just recorded the final out of an inning by throwing a ball to Matt Adams. As a fellow fat person, seeing positive role models such as these men succeed makes me know that the younger generation of lardasses will have positive self-images.
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
Yeah, when I was five and had to hold a parent's hand when walking through parking lots.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
No. Because a rewind button doesn't change what happens. And I'd probably fuck up like I do with TV rewind buttons and go back too far. Like I'll hold it and somehow wind up in 1998 and I'll have no idea how to get back because I won't have the internet. Also I won't be able to check Twitter, and fuck that.
Do you tell your mum or dad everything?
Well, no, but mum? I'm taking a British people survey? No wonder these questions have no resonance for me.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?
Yes, it matters a lot to me. Especially because I don't have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) and frankly, whether they smoke or not, I'm pretty goddamned curious who they are.
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?
How the fuck would I know? Seriously, how would I have even the slightest capacity to know the answer to this?
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Let's see--April 7, 2012. Lance Berkman. I was a big Lance Berkman fan.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
No.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
I average about 7.42.
Are you easy to get along with?
You people know better than I do.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
The last girl I had a conversation with was my mom. She's okay.
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
Diet Mountain Dew. Though I'm curious what the interesting answer to this would be. Is this where high school freshmen try to sound cool and pretend they're drinking a lot? I was never that guy then, and I'm definitely not that guy now.
What size bed do you have?
That kind where you could fit two people but not very comfortably. Double? Is Double a type of bed?
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
After, because I'm not a psychopath. If you start water in a shower that you aren't in, you are a wasteful sack of shit and please don't tell me you're this person because if I know, I will defriend you on Facebook, block you on Twitter, and possibly seek a restraining order.
Do you like the rain?
Oh, and not really.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I just tweeted a couple of minutes ago so it seems possible. If somebody who isn't on Twitter is thinking of me, that's just weird. If you were, deny it.
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
Of course I did; I went to Truman State.
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?
People who know me in real life would probably say goodie goodie because I obey the rules. People who know me online only probably just think I'm a friggin asshole.
Who were you last in the car with, besides family?
Oh damn, it's been a while. Let me think here...I was in the car with people on the way back from my friend's bachelor party. That was like a month ago almost. I live a sad life. *Turns on Boys Don't Cry by The Cure*
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
You want to know how much I don't go to theaters? The Hangover, with my sister. I'm going to listen to Boys Don't Cry again. I'm not upset or anything; I just like the song, assholes.
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
Do car accidents count?
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?
Probably not. Then again, I don't live with my parents and I have the option to throw massive parties pretty much every night and don't.
Do you regret a past relationship?
I've never been married, so no.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
I'd rather spend my Friday night at work than at a crazy party. So I guess the concert.
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
Yes. I tend to fall for women a lot.
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
No, but shit, that sounds fun. If any of you have any recently deceased pets, let me know.
Do you care too much about your appearance?
Lol.
Are you a jealous person?
No. My life rules. What am I going to be jealous of that I can't go out and have if I don't want it?
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
I don't think I've bought any clothing items in the last year.
Do you miss anyone?
I miss my dog. I haven't seen my dog in a month. Does that count?
Last person who made you cry?
Do I have to post the link again?
Does your ex piss you off?
Everybody pisses me off. I thought this was covered.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Good money says I'm going to work. But maybe I'll try to relate to the people this survey was designed for by writing poetry on my Xanga page all day.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
Oh yeah, these people exist when you aren't an adult.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Yeah sure. Come on by if you're reading this.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Again, this survey is designed for fourteen year olds. How many goddamned relationships did everybody but me apparently have when they were fourteen? You've been cheated on, you have an ex you still think about, are you an O.C. character or something?
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
Repeat my previous answer here.
Do you like cotton candy?
Well, this was a dramatic departure from the previous question. And the answer is not particularly. I liked cotton candy and then I hit puberty and started eating actual foods primarily.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
The woman at Mobil on the Run this morning. Regarding my 50 cent large soda. It was a "serious" conversation.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
Yes.
Do you have siblings?
Yes.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
My mom, when I was three.
How has the past week been for you?
Aite. This is starting to bore me
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
No, absolutely not. Not one. You know, this is actually a benefit to being an adult is that you can speak to the opposite sex as a person and not like they're some mutant life form. But the answer is yes. Actually, better question--how can you have a friend of the opposite sex (or same sex, really) that you can't talk to? How the hell are you defining friendship? Or is this a literal thing? Like, you can talk to them because they have vocal chords.
What’s on your mind right now?
Didn't this question come up earlier?
What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching TV in basically the exact same seating position I'm in right now.
What is your current mood?
Annoyed.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
My sister.
Will this week be a good one?
Maybe?
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?
Ask me in a few minutes when this goddamned survey is over.
Who were you with last night?
The coolest guy in the world.
Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Yes, I have been to a sleepover before.
Next time you will kiss someone?
Today. Yes, today. I'll be home all day, ladies.
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?
Nobody. They should just jump straight into the fornications.
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
For it to end in a few hours?
No comments:
Post a Comment